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Recounts Jokes

A guy visited his friend with a broken foot in the hospital

He asked him what happened and the guy recounts his story.

He said that he was in the pet shop when he saw a parrot he liked. He asked the owner about it and the owner said that the parrot could do karate.

The way this worked was when one said "Parrot karate [object]", the parrot wou...

Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"

Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machine...

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Two old southern bells are having iced tea

They are reminiscing of their younger years on their wraparound porch of an 18th century plantation home.


The first lady recounts in a charming antebellum drawl: "You see these earrings? These 24k gold diamond earrings? My husband got me these on our 5th anniversary."


The seco...

My mother-in-law can murder any joke.

After the 2000 Presidential elections with the multiple vote recounts in Florida, she came home and told us the funniest joke she had just heard:

Have you seen the new Texas quarter?

<holds out a nickel>

You count it five times!

A prolific composer dies and is buried in him hometown.

Weeks after the funeral, one of the townspeople gets drunk and tries to find his way home. In his drunken stupor, he finds himself lost in the graveyard. When he comes across the composer's grave, he begins to hear a strange, haunting melody. This terrifies him, and he runs out of the graveyard scre...

A man and his wife got married...

They went on their honeymoon and spent a couple weeks away before returning back home. The man goes to work and one of his co-workers asks him about his honeymoon! He wants all the details. So the man recounts it all to him:

"Well we got to the resort and put our stuff down, had a... A perfor...

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My favorite "pearly gates" joke.

Three men arrive at the pearly gates, and, one at a time, St. Peter asks them to recount their deaths for him.

The first man replies, "I just knew that my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early from work to catch her in the act! I searched the apartment, and sure enough, there he was h...

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A Talk With Dad

A father and son are talking after the son has been away for a long time in the Air Force. The son recounts his tale as the father listens intently:

"I was so excited to join the Air Force. I'm sure you remember, Dad," the son says.

"Yup," the father says, remembering.

"But wh...

Three Englishmen

Three Englishmen were sitting at a bar having a drink and chatting it up. Suddenly, one guy spots an obviously Irish man having a drink by himself a few seats away, and they start making snide comments about him.

After a couple of drinks, one of the guys decides to confront the Irish man. He ...

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Two Blondes in Heaven [Fixed]

The Version as I know it.

Three men are standing outside the pearly gates and out comes St Peter.

"Sorry Guys, but Heavens pretty full today, so I can only let one of you in. So for this reason, who ever of you had the worst death gets to come on in."

So the first guy steps for...

A man walks into a pub...

... And orders his regular ale from the landlord.
The landlord duly pours him the pint, places it on the bar, but as the man reaches for it a dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs out the door.
"That's very strange" exclaims the landlord, "let me get you another".
So the landlord ...

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Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to k...

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