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Quit Smoking Jokes

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A man goes to the doctor to try and quit smoking

"Doc, you've got to help me, I have tried all the conventional methods of quitting smoking, and none have worked. Do you have any drastic cures?"

The doctor replies "well, there is something I know for this. Every night before bed, take a cigarette from the packet and put it up your rectum, a...

I don’t know why people say it’s so hard to quit smoking…

I’ve done it like six times

My grandma quit smoking.

And we got a nice little urn for her.

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to quit smoking my wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex

I haven't smoked in month and she's up to 2 packs a day

I quit smoking cold turkey.

Hot ones finish faster.

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

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NSFW. A guy is trying to quit smoking

He tries out nicotine patches and they work great. He goes into a public restroom and sees another guy at the urinal with the same brand patch on his dick. He asks the man "Does that actually work?"

The man looks at him and replies, "Yes! Im down to two butts a day!"

I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative...

It sure is hard to keep lit.

TIL ~10,000 people quit smoking every year

By dying.

I'll ^show ^^myself ^^^out

My grandma said that she quit smoking weed

Me: Why?

Grandma: My Cholesterol is getting too high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to quit smoking

Friend: My new year resolution for 2018 is to quit smoking.
Me: That’s great, I might have a tip for you.
Friend: What is it? Most tips online don’t seem to work for me.
Me: It’s pretty simple actually. Try to limit your smokes to only after sex. As you get older, you’ll smoke less and less...

I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.

I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...

I quit smoking cold turkey.

I now let it sit at room temperature for 30 minutes first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quit smoking. Use Aversion Therapy!!

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it compl...

Now that I have quit smoking i see more and more each day how its like an old relationship...

You smell her perfume, see her out with another man
and all you can think of is the good times and
not how she took part of your life away.

I recently quit smoking meth

I've been having vivid dreams of using again. the upside is it's a free high with no real life consequences, the down side is, now I'm addicted to sleep.

I quit smoking once for six years after buying a forty two cent box of toothpicks...

...after six years they were pretty gross so I started smoking again.

Help me reddit. I've quit smoking and I'm gaining weight

Before, I only had to reach into my pockets to feel a little lighter.

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I ...

I'm trying to get my wife to quit smoking.

Maybe I should slow down and use a lubricant.

Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking

It's as hard as it is to start flossing

- Mitch Hedberg

I miss this man every day :(

Ex called to say the Dr wants her to quit smoking because of her heart and lungs.

Me: What one did he say is blacker?

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A whole pack

A friend told me:
"I can't quit smoking because i need a cigarette after an orgasm."
I asked her:
"How many orgasms do you have during the week with your husband?"
She: "To be honest, i don't have any!"
Me: "Then why do you smoke a whole pack?"
She: " Because i have 20 ...

The doctor had finished his examination of the patient and was ready to give his professional advice. "Quit smoking and drinking, go to bed early every night and get up at the crack of dawn" he said. "That's the best thing for you"

"Frankly Doc" the patient answered, "I don't deserve the best. What's second best?"


Citation: "Our Town" in White Plains, N.Y., Reporter dispatch (Reader' Digest Treasury of Wit and Humour 1958)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"One cigarette each time you have sex" was the doctor's prescription.

That's how I quit smoking.

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My Dad was always trying to get me to quit smoking marijuana, but I found it strange that he would only encourage me when I was using the toilet.

He'd be screaming from outside the bathroom door, "Shit or get off the pot!" Decisions, decisions...

3 Guy Talking About the Zombie Apocalypse

These 3 guys are driving on the highway at night, and begin having a conversation about what they would do if there was a Zombie Apocalypse .

The guy in the passenger seat says, "I quit smoking years ago, so I make sure I keep a cigarette hidden in my trunk. I would re...

Classic joke from Norm MacDonald: I quit smoking and nothing much is different. Except I can taste my food. I went to a friend's place for dinner and I was like... What's this zingy, zangy thing you're serving me here? Never tasted anything so zingy and zangy.

... A boiled potato, eh? Huh.

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A man is late for work, and desperately tries to find a parking space...

His boss has already told him before that if he is late one more time, he'll be fired on the spot.

The man is circling around the parking lot, but still all the spaces are completely full.

Suddenly, the man stops his car, puts his hands together and looks towards the sky.

"Dear ...

I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy

I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking

I'm proud to say I've been clean for one year.

But all these showers aren't helping me quit smoking crack.

A man is smoking two cigarettes at a park

Another man walks up to him and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"

He replies: "I'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother, he is in a no-smoking prison."

Satisfied with the answer, the man walks away.

A few days pass and he sees the same man at the park, but he...

My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey

Two men are standing on the pavement...

Two men are standing on the pavement smoking cigarettes. The first man turns to the other and asks, "Why are you smoking two cigarettes?" The second man responds, "One is for me and the other is in honor of my brother who is in jail." The first man nods his understanding and leaves to get on with...

People often tell me I have no willpower or self-control

Rubbish I say. I've quit smoking loads of times

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner,

"How much for that TV set in the window?"

The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."

So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.

A week later, the stoner come...

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Doctor: I'm sorry but your heart is going to fail... probably within next month.

Patient: oh!! Is there anything I can do?

Doc: well you have to quit smoking, no alcohol, only eat vegan food, absolutely no exercise at all, do not take any exciting activity, also try not to meet your friends, no internet, no computer games, and obviously no sex.

Pat: would I live lo...

I saw a guy smoking two cigarettes today

I was walking down the street and saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, I asked him about it and he said that his friend recently went to jail and that he swore upon his life to always smoke on his behalf as long as he is in jail.

A month later I walk by the same street and spot the same ...

You can reach 80 years

Doctor: Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years.

*But doctor, I am already 80!*

You see - I told you to quit smoking.

I approached my house earlier to see that it was up in flames

I approached my house earlier to see that it was up in flames I’d left the gas on this morning, just to check if my wife had quit smoking like she’d promised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A touching story my father told me when I was a lad,

So I was walking down the street one afternoon and a particularly dirty, broken down, beat up, sorry looking, shabby homeless man asked me for money,

I says, "why if I gave you money, surely you'll just spend it on booze!" I says!

He says, " no sir! I quit drinking years ago!"

....

A factory burned in a fire

One of the survivors, a worker from the factory, goes home to his wife
“Honey, there was a fire, the factory burned down and many of my coworkers died”
“That’s horrible!” She replied
“Tragic... The company is insuring the families of the deceased with hundreds of thousands of dollars”
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