I took my dog to the local talent agent yesterday.

We walked through the door and I handed him our card:

"Barney. Talking dog."

The agent chuckled, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Alright, show me what you got."

"Hey Barn, how was work this week?"

"Rough."

"What goes on top of a house?"

"Roof."

"...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

A man and his son are walking by a recycling center when the son notices how forlorn all the workers seem to be.

“Dad, why do they all look so down?”

“Son, you would be too if you had to smash pop cans all day long. It’s soda pressing.”

Sorry

A forlorn jazz musician, lost relatives.

Two jazz musicians meet passing on the street one day. But one looks forlorn, and almost on the verge of tears. His friend asks, "What has the world done to you, my old friend?"
The sad fellow says, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."
"That's n...

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A man's yatch capsizes and he is about to drown in the middle of the ocean

Loudly he proclaimes "Nothing to fear! My lord will save me!"

A tug boat comes by and the sailor spots the man

"It's your lucky day mate, jump in and I'll take you to shore"

The man replies, "thankyou for the kind offer but I have no fear, my lord will save me!"

"Suit you...

Once, long ago, there was an Indian princess.

She was called Princess Happybottom, but she was very unhappy. She wanted more than anything to just be a normal girl.
One day, a magician noticed her forlorn appearance, and asked how he could help. “I just want to be normal, with a normal name, and be treated like a normal person.”
“I would...

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What do you call sex when you're just not feelin' it?

Forlornication

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, s...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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A few guys always used to meet up on Fridays after work for a drink.

One Friday, Pete showed up late, sat down forlornly at the bar and knocked back his first beer in one gulp.

‘You OK?’ asked Bill, another of the gang.

‘Not really,’ sighed Pete. ‘This morning my wife told me that she’s rationing our sex life – she’s cutting me back to just once a week....

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This is a long one that requires audience interaction. It’s always given me great return.

To preface this joke: you may alter the story as you see fit. Make it personal and use elements of your real life to make this a convincing story. The only key points that must be consistent will be highlighted in the text. The audience interaction will be italicized.

_________

The Cat...

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph

,looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 155. Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up to him.

The officer walked up to him, looke...

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A man had a problem...he was a virgin because he had a 25 inch penis...

After seeking consults from all the Doctors in his town and being told no one could help him, the man sulks and starts walking home. A homeless man sitting on the sidewalk noticed his forlorn appearance and asked him what was wrong.

"I have a 25 inch penis and none of the Doctors in town are ...

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Bill, Steve and Jim are discussing when they get in arguments with their wives

Bill says "When I get in an argument with my wife, I tell her I'm sick of listening, heres the way it is, and that's the way its going to be. Then that's the end of the argument."


Steve replies "Hmm. Well, when I get in an argument with my wife, I calmly explain to her why she is wron...

I’ve just got home to find that the turf I laid last week has been stolen.

My girlfriend is outside now, looking forlorn

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the hospital. You see, inside was his dear wife, about to give birth to their first child. The Chicken was, of course, rather excited. "I'm about to become a Dad!" he thought to himself, racing down the white, squeaky corridors of the hospital.

He burst into the maternity ward's wai...

There was a male engineer on a cruise ship...

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew n...

The adopted bunny

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate a...

A nomad had been wandering the desert by foot for many years. He has saved up some money on his travels and decided that his walking days were over and it was time to buy a camel.

He went to the nearest camel ranch and asked the ranch owner what type of camel he could get for the money he had.
"I am sorry," said the rancher "that's not even enough for the cheapest camel." The nomad looked forlorn until the rancher said "we do have this one camel though, we weren't going t...

The Make-A-Wish foundation and a child

*Offensive*

A cheerful child is diagnosed with a fatal cancer and doesn't have long to live even with modern treatment, making the child extremely melancholy. As such, the Make-A-Wish foundation approaches the child and his family to provide a single wish. When asked what the child wants, he ...

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A fellow is standing at a urinal, doing his business.

A second person enters the mens room and quickly approaches the urinal next to him, then proceeds to just stand there. The fellow casts a glance sideways to see what is going on.

He sees a young man with no arms standing and looking forlornly at the urinal. His little arm nubs stick out of hi...

Dating Advice from a Rabbi

So it's Friday night in the synagogue and during the course of the service the rabbi standing at the pulpit is looking out over the back to the congregation. In the very back he sees a young man who's got his head in his hands for the entire service. He's very concerned about this so after the servi...

My dad told this to me years ago

Three guys die in a car accident and are now waiting at the Pearly Gates to get into heaven. St. Peter walks up to them and says "Welcome to heaven. You have all made it to heaven however your eternal companion will be determined by your sins."

The first guy walks up and sees this really ho...

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Sell that dog

A guy walks into a bar with a forlorn look on his face.

A regular sees him and says "Hey guy, you doing alright?"

"I'm doing terrible" the guys says "I'm having money troubles and the only option I got left is to sell my beloved dog. So, I'm just traveling around town asking if anyone...

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Three criminals meet in a restaurant...

Three career criminals, each of them burglars, were meeting in a restaurant to discuss recent developments in their work.

The first thief shook his head a little bit, giving his water glass a forlorn frown. "The market for gems has dried up. What little I manage to get my hands on is hard to ...

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