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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

An husband and wife are on a holiday in Jerusalem

Unfortunately, the husband dies of a heart attack during the holiday.

The person from the funeral company says to the wife "We have two options- we can bring his body back home to the US, but because of the flights et cetera, it will cost you an expensive $10,000. Or we can go with the nice, ...

Mother of God

There were four women bragging on their sons. The first woman says, “Have you heard? My son is a priest. He’s very well respected that when he enters a room or a building, everyone greets him, ‘Hello, Father.’”
“Psh! That’s nothing,” the second woman answers. “My son is a bishop so when he enters...

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This wealthy couple are employing a housemaid. She decides to ask for a raise.

She goes to the lady and asks: “Ma’am, I’d like a raise.”

The lady responds: “A raise? But why on earth? I see no reason why.”

The housemaid says: “Well, for starters, I cook better than you, ma’am.”

The lady gets annoyed and replies: “Where does that come from?”

“Well, M...

A Mom and Her Daughter ...

A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a ...

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A general approaches hitler

“Sir, our mining operations are overwhelmed, we aren’t able to ship what we produce. We are simply producing far too many tons of ores!

Hitler responds: “Just mine less”

A grammar nazi interjects: “Mine fewer”

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The Grammar of F***

Transitive Verb: "I want you to fuck me until I can't walk."

Intransitive Verb: "We fucked until my dick fell off."

Phrasal Verb: "I'm going to royally fuck you up."

Noun: "That guy is such a dumb fuck."

Pronoun: "Look who fuck-face over there brought to the party."
...

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch. One day...

They notice a small tree has sprouted up inbetween them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!"

The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!" So, they start arguing back and forth "son of a beech" and "son of a birch".

Eventually, a woodpecker ...

Two men walk into a bar and see a sign behind the bar...

the sign reads "FREE Drinks if you complete the 'Task'"

They call the barman over and enquire about the sign

"It's true" say the barman, "free drinks all night if you complete the Task"

Curious, Man 1 asks "so whats the Task?"

"If you look directly up, you'll see two Sirl...

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

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philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And mathematics is just applied philosophy!"

The laughter roars even loud...

let me out

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 a. m. and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang." What time do you open up in the morning ?" he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.

The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. ...

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

An astronaut fell into a black hole...

After, a NASA official was explaining the situation to the dead astronaut's, now widowed, wife.

"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.

The official replies, "I'm sorry. Your husband has... Pasta way..."

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Three Men are on a Journey Through the Desert ...

A Generation X'er, a Boomer, and a Millennial are embarking on a desert journey. They have each been allowed to bring one item for survival.

The X'er was asked, "What did you bring?".
"I don't lack in intellect. I brought food so that we can eat if we are hungry

The others nodded ...

A police officer stops a speeding car and walks up to the driver

"Do you know you were going 20 km/h over the speed limit ?"

The guy respond : "How am I supposed to know ? I don't have a license".

His wife, sitting on the passenger seat, interjects : "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

Their kid, on the backseat, sighs "I knew we weren't goin...

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Four men walk into . . .

Four men walk into a **<social establishment>**. Inside the **<social establishment>**, they have a conversation about **<topic>**. Eventually one of them leaves the group and goes to the bathroom. After he left, the conversation shifts from **<topic>** to the well-being of t...

A cop pulls a motorist over on the highway

"Do you know your lights are out?" asks the police officer.

"Yup," answers the driver. "But I don't care."

"And do you know how fast you were going?"

"Oh, probably about 20 miles over the limit."

"Can I see your license, sir?"

"I don't have one."

"Well, wel...

A wife's husband and her lover end up at the same backyard party.

They are actually talking to each other, though somewhat unacquainted. The wife wants to somehow interject and separate the two.

"Honey, do you want a beer?"

"Yes."

"Yes."

She hustles off. flustered and embarrassed at **both** of them responding.

The husband looks...

A fisherman took his boat far out to sea. He hooked a huge fish, and fought it for hours.

Unfortunately, as he wasn’t strapped into his seat, he was yanked overboard, and began to drown. Suddenly, he was rescued and brought back to his boat by a pair of dolphins. Without thinking, the fisherman thanked them.
They replied, “You’re welcome!” Aghast, the fisherman said, “You can talk! Th...

A man is severely depressed.

Joke:

His wife left him, took the kids and due to all the stress and pressure in his personal life, his work performance took a dive and he was fired. Without a job, he lost his home, his possessions and whatever was left of his dignity and hope. He decided to end his miserable life.

...

In the Oval Office

Donald Trump and Rudy Guiliani are in the Oval Office and are arguing about the weather. Trump says it's snowing, while Guiliani says it's drizzling. Melania enters the room, and sees the argument in full display. Finallly she interjects by saying, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear," and leaves the ...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

The Detroit Lions have almost assembled a team to win the Super Bowl...

All that’s missing is a great quarterback. A scout has been looking everywhere for someone good enough, but cheap enough to keep them under the salary cap.

The scout, after a long day of searching, comes home defeated. He slumps down into his chair and decides to watch the news.

As h...

One Ticket for Three

Three engineers and three lawyers were going to a convention. At the train station to the convention, one engineer said, "We can get on the train with only one ticket."

The other group laughed, but did not interject when the first group bought the ticket. When the conductor went around on the...

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Three conspiracy theorists are sitting at a bar.

“Man, I can’t believe NASA thinks we’d eat up that moon landing bullshit,” one of them says.

“I know, right?” says another. “Everyone knows deep down that it was fake.”

“The moon is way too far away for anybody to realistically land on!” the third one interjects. “If they could do it, ...

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William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, and a Redditor all meet up in heaven one day

Eventually, the conversation turns to the impact their literature had on the world.

Herman Melville starts boasting. He says “I wrote 15 books, and my book “Moby Dick” is still studied in schools and famous to this day”.

William Shakespeare interjects: “That’s nothing! Why, I wrote 192...

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A man runs out of gas while driving through rural Iowa...

His cell phone dead, he walks along the highway until he finds a farmhouse. He knocks on the door, and an old farmer offers to fuel up his car after they finish dinner, which he kindly invites him to.

While enjoying his meatloaf and company of the farmer and his wife, the man looks out the wi...

Accident Elle

Elle grew up as an only child of an older couple, as all of her brothers and sisters had moved out by the time she was born.

One day, she asked why they had waited so long to have her.

Her mother told her they had decided not to have any more kids, so her father got a vasectomy, but th...

A young married couple are out golfing together...

The man heads up to the first tee box with his driver and takes the biggest, hardest swing he can muster. As you'd expect from an amateur golfer, the ball slices hard right and off the fairway, breaking a window in a nearby house. Slightly embarrassed, the man says to his wife, "Well I feel bad. We'...

A Halloween Joke

A skeleton, a jack-o-lantern, and a scarecrow are hanging out in a corn field.

The skeleton fancies the jack-o-lantern and says, “Never have I seen eyes shine as bright as yours, only adding to the beauty of such a glowing smile.”

The jack-o-lantern, however has a crush on the scare c...

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Drunk driver

A cop pulled over a man who kept swerving in and out of lanes for no apparent reason. The officer goes up to the man and requests that the man take a breathalyzer test.

"I can't do that, officer," the man replied, "I'm an asthmatic. If I take the test, I might have an asthma attack."
...

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A farmer travels to the nearest town to see the doctor.

The doctor diagnoses the farmer and hands him a jar of pills, explaining, “these are suppositories, take one a day for a month.”

The farmer thanks the doctor, adding, “Doc, I’m not an educated man. What is a sup-pos-it-ory?”

The doctor humbly answers, “they’re just like any pill, excep...

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A man walks into a pub and sits on a stool at the bar.

The bartender asks him, "Would you like a drink?"

The man says, "Thank you, I'll have a scotch and soda."

The bartender serves the man his drink and says, "That'll be four-fifty."

The man looked surprised. "Four-fifty what?"

"Four dollars and fifty cents. That's the pr...

A bully and his gang walk into a Subway store

He then sees the sandwich artist (that's what they are called) is a skinny, young, inexperienced kid- a perfect target to bully while ordering some subs. He walks up to the kid and starts his order of his 6-inch sub

The kid then proceeds to cut a footlong sub bread in half for a 6-inch sub wh...

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A man is driving down the highway when he is pulled over by the cops

The cop goes up to the window and asks a question.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No Officer."

"Ah, well you're being pulled over because of your exemplary driving! You just won 1,000 dollars! What are you planning to do?"

"I'm gonna finally get my license!"
...

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Three old men sitting on a bench (xpost from r/funny)

Theres three old men sitting on a bench, the first one says "I think I have the worst life here because I wake up at 8:00 and I can't piss!" The second one then says "I think my life is worse than yours because I wake up at 8:30 and I can't shit!" The third one finally says "Gentlemen I think my lif...

A man brought his son to a grocery store...

A man brought his son to a grocery store, but as soon as they walked in the store the young child began to throw a temper tantrum. While they went down each aisle the child would yell, throw items in and out of the cart, and overall just be an annoyance.

Despite the scene his son was causing...

Another golf joke

A man and his wife are golfing. The wife hits a beautiful drive right down the center of the fairway. Trying to outdo his wife, the man overswings and slices the ball into the woods. As the man is about to safely punch his second shot out, his wife interjects,

"Now wait a minute! Ther...

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An old farmer is drinking his morning coffee when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees a stranger standing there with an empty jar in each hand.
“What can I do for ya, feller?” The farmer asked.

“Well, I was just passing by yesterday when I noticed you had some Honeysuckle vines growing on your fence row over there, and I was wondering if you might...

A cheerio walks into his boss's office...

And he says to his boss, “Boss, I want to be more delicious than a plain old Cheerio.” The boss shuffles his papers around a bit, and replies. “Okay, I tell you what. If you go out and work for a year, I’ll upgrade you to a Honey Nut Cheerio.” The Cheerio thinks on it, and quickly agrees. He goes ou...

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A woman goes to buy some ice cream

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor looking to buy a few gallons of ice cream for her child's upcoming birthday party. She walks up to the man behind the counter and begins giving her order, "I want 2 gallons of chocolate, 1 gallon of vanilla, and 1 gallon of strawberry". The gentleman behind ...

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An American man and his son went on vacation to Finland.

When they arrived, a cab driver greeted them at the airport. "What should we do on our first day here," the father asked his son, excitedly. The driver interjected, "Well, if you're not natives, I'd suggest the roller coaster that teaches your or language." Confused, the father and son look at one a...

Lord of the Rings: What did Galadriel say to Celeborn when he asked what her ring was called?

"Nenya Business."

Gandalf choked out "Narya kidding me?"

To which Elrond interjected "Vilya please be quiet?"

Shamelessly taken from lotr sub (links not allowed, sorry.)

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of cats and mustard

Three diplomats are discussing international politics while enjoying brunch in the crisp spring air.

"No more can Middle East be made peaceful", says the Russian diplomat, "than can cat be made to eat mustard."

"But a cat would certainly eat mustard." says the German diplomat. Spying a...

A brunette at the doctor's.

A youthful brunette visits his doctor and reports that his body hurt wherever he touched it.

"Impossible," the skeptic doctor mumbled, "show me."

The brunette took his finger, it on his left shoulder and screamed. He then jabbed at his knees, and let out another cry, then his an...

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An art joke

A couple found a painting in an art gallery, the painting showed 3 black men, 2 eating sandwiches on a bench, all naked, yet the man in the middle had a white penis and had no sandwich.

The couple looked at this painting, puzzled, they asked the curator what it meant.

"well, you see, ...

So in a program on the BBC about WWII, the host is interviewing a surviving member of the Dutch Free Air Force.

The geezer says, "So there we were flying in formation over the English channel, when Suddenly these four Fokkers come out of the clouds. So I get behind the first Fokker and shoot him down. Then I do the same with the other three Fokkers."

The host interjects," For clarification, I think my ...

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It's my birthday today

It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today."

"Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker. "33," says the man. "Well, have a g...

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A man approaches a woman at the bar

He flirts with her, chats with her and is very friendly. Yet, the woman refuses to go back to his place with him. He says, "What if I paid you $1 million to have sex with me?"

The woman has never had $1 million before, in fact, she's never come close. She mulls it over, thinking about how ni...

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So a blonde gets on a plane bound for NYC...

And sits down in the first class section. The guy whose seat she had taken, he goes up and tells the flight attendant there's someone in his seat. So the flight attendant goes over and says

"Miss, I'm going to have to ask you to go to your proper seat"

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, ...

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The generals' stroll

Two generals are walking through a military base when they notice a pile of dog shit in front of them. They stop, examining it ponderously and begin to debate. The debate stretches on and on until the taller and thinner of the two calls out to a nearby soldier:

"I say, private! Tell us what t...

An American man walks into a bar...

An American man walks into a bar and grabs a seat. While ordering a pint, he can't help but overhear an obnoxiously loud but indiscernible conversation from three massively large ladies down the bar.

The man calls out to them,, "Hey babes, are you from Scotland?"

Quite rudely, one lad...

A man is sitting on an airplane...

and one of the flight attendants takes his drink order and comes back promptly with a coke and some peanuts. As he's sitting there sipping his drink and looking out the window, he hears a chorus of tiny voices: "*hey man, nice tie!*"

Puzzled, he looks around a bit, fails to locate the source ...

Bear Attack

An elderly man visits his doctor one day.

"I have some exciting news, Doctor!", exclaimed man, with excitement.

"What is it?", asked his doctor.

"My wife took a pregnancy test last week and, well.. we're expecting a child! Isn't it great!?"

"What!?", expressed the doct...

A frog is sitting alone on the Jordan River's banks...

A Frog is sitting alone on the Jordan River's banks, when a long comes a Scorpion.

&nbsp;

The Scorpion says "Frog, I wish to cross this river, would you please carry me across on your back?"

&nbsp;

The Frog responds, "We are natural enemies, why should I do that? ...

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A kid asks his mother about his cousins...

"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"

The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."

The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"

"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.

"So why is my name-"

The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat y...

Some people were taking a tour of a rubber factory

On the tour they stop by where the factory made baby bottles caps. Everyone could hear the machine working: "Shh, pop, shh, pop, shh, pop". One of the tourists asked the guide what the noises were.
"well you see, the shhing sound is the rubber filling the moulds and the popping is the machine p...

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A Finnish WWII air force verteran was about to give a talk to an American high school.

He was stereotypically Nordic: pale skin, fair hair, and a heavy accent.


He introduced himself and began with a vivid description of his first dogfight in the Lapland War. "Literally the moment after we take off and got through the fog we saw them. Eight pesky Fokkers were spread out an...

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The Boy from Toronto

A boy stopped by a deli one early morning in Brooklyn hoping to get a job.

* "How are you with people, kid?" The owner inquired.

* *"Great," said the boy. "My previous job at a grocery store had me working cash registers and facing clients all day."*

* "Perfect," replied the...

An inmate in a prison is about to be released for good behaviour.

The prison guard walks into the cell to inform the inmate of the good news.
At first, the inmate speaks to the prison guard and is almost immediately interrupted.
The prison guard interjects, but before he can tell the inmate he is soon to be released for good behaviour, the inmate loudly shou...

Checks and pants

A middle aged man and a hot young girl step into a jewelery store. The man asks the jeweler to show the girl his finest rings. The jeweler obliged does so and after some consideration the girl picks one of the most expensive ones. At the point the man proceeds to write off a check for the ring; the ...

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So the M25, the M40 and the M1 are drinking in a bar ...

They've had quite a few jars and things are getting pretty rowdy. "Do you remember that time we beat up all those crappy little A-roads?" says the M25 "the A14 had to have engineering works for a week!"

"Yeah, and that time we rumbled with the M5 and M6, that was classic!" pipes up the M40...

Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering

The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name.

“Why,” I asked. ‘I don’t need a warranty.”

“I have to have it for our records,” explained the cashier.

Fed up with practice of companies gathering as mu...

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David wanted a set of of twins very badly, so he asked his friend Mike for advice.

David asked him, "You have three sets of twins, three! Tell me, what is your secret!"


"I'll tell you," replied Mike, "but you gotta do exactly as I say."


David nodded his head fervently, "Okay, okay, tell me!"



"So, it's a four day process," Mike started, "The fi...

A woman is sick and tired of having bad relationships...

She's had the worst of the worst. Men who would run out on her, beat her, and men who were downright terrible on bed. In an attempt to better future relationships she decided to give online dating a try.

She filled out her profile and specified she was looking for a good hearted man who wo...

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The man with the small head.

A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old timer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the bloke and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?"

The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... bu...

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Historians recently discovered evidence that Hitler was a ventriloquist.

Apparently he would sneak out some nights with his dummy who was a violinist. He would bring the dummy to small concert venues and ventriloquize the violin music, interjecting humorous anti-Semitic remarks in between songs. To avoid being recognized, we wore a fake mustache, and called his act A Dol...

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