My son said: "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.

Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

I lost 100 pounds!

I guess the casino really does always win.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

Heisenberg weighs 145 pounds.

He's a welterweight Walter White.

My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.

He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.

That was an *Imperial* fuckup.

How did Jared Fogle lose 40 pounds?

He broke up with his girlfriend.

Coos busted a thief who stole 42,000 pounds of pistachios

But the thief will plead not guilty due to insanity because what he stole was nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ...

... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument.

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

What do you call 2000 pounds in Chinese?

Wonton.

What's a fast way to lose ten pounds of ugly weight?

Cut off your head.

I recently adopted an African child. He, was just 7 pounds!

Plus shipping, of course.

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and can now predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

A fully loaded tractor-trailer carrying 80,000 pounds of Tylenol skidded off an icy bridge, and ended up in the mighty Mississippi.

...Resulting in river failure.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One weighs 3.500 pounds, the other is a little lighter.

I lost over 300 pounds in 2004 - 2006

It was a long divorce, but I do feel so much lighter now!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?

Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I ...

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

An American wins 2000 pounds gambling in Britain.

As he receives his winnings, all he can say is:

“That’s a ton of money”

I lost 216 pounds.

Never going to another British casino again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost 450 pounds!

I accidentally added an extra zero on venmo and Nigel still hasn't given my money back.

Fuck you Nigel.

A guy runs into a bar says to the bartender

"Quick! Give me 50 shots of your best whiskey!"

The bartender lays out 50 shot glasses and fills them with the best whiskey he has.

The man pounds them down, one immediately after another.

After the last glass, the bartender says "Wow! I've never seen anyone take that many shots...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy is sitting on a park bench,

Eating 5 pounds of chocolate. He's eating, eating, eating, really having the time of his life. As he finishes the bag, an old man walks up to him and says "Son, you know it's really not good to eat so much chocolate! You'll get diabetes, high cholesterol, it can really cause serious medical issues."...

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at t...

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?"

The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

A small town in Ireland solicits bids to build a fountain in the town square. Three builders respond.

The town clerk schedules all three interviews for the same day. The builders arrive and are escorted into the clerk's office. There's a builder from Galway, a builder from Mayo, and finally Casey, a master builder from County Cork.

The first to be interviewed is the builder from Galway. "How ...

What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?

The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.

The misunderstanding (joke)

One day, a man from America who has recently moved to Britain, is meeting with an employer. The employer says “ hi, it’s nice to meet you! So what did you do for a living in America?”. The man replies “oh,I was a baker”, but because of the different accents, the employer heard “ oh, I was a banker “...

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is this dude who's in a lift going down from the fifth floor of a hospital

When the lift reaches third floor it stops and a woman he knows gets in.

He goes like "Hey Meg what you doing in the hospital?"

Meg "oh!! hi Carl I just come to sell some blood, they pay you here you know? 50 pounds each time I come! But tell me about you is all okey??"

Carl " Y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

I lost 15 pounds

But in my defense, babies are easy to misplace.

Once, there was a man

Once there was a man, this man had a problem. Because of this problem, he decided to go to a psychologist. He got in the car and went to the psychologist. She went inside and sat.

Psychologist: "tell me. What kind of trouble are you having?“he said. He said, " Every time I try to sleep, I ca...

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

Good old buddies...

John saw his old buddy Bill and smacked him in the back saying "Hey Billy boy, remember your old buddy John.., man you have become taller, and shed down few pounds and what about this beard?"

The guy said "excuse me, I do not know any Billy boy, my name is Peter"

John smacked again on ...

A man was arrested for having 5 pounds of cocaine stashed in boxes of Lucky Charms.

The police found the whole ordeal as "magically suspicious".

I lost 13 pounds by walking yesterday

To you americans thats about $17

I lost 200 pounds at the gym this year.

I forgot to cancel my membership after January.

Not fat, just short.

According to the BMI chart, at the doctors office, I don’t need to lose 25 pounds! I do need to grow about six inches but hey, it beats dieting!

Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

What do you call a mark hamil when he weighs 2000 pounds?

Hamilton

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

I've lost 8 pounds in the last fortnight.

For the Americans amongst you that means about 10 dollars in the last two weeks.

“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!”

The colombians disagree.

I lost 225 pounds!

I don’t know how or why anyone hacked into my bank account

A man is sitting in a train

and watches the guy on the other side of the aisle take an apple out of his pocket, cutting it open, picking out the seeds and chewing them.

“Why are you chewing the seeds?”
“They make me smarter”
“Really? Could I have some?”
“Sure, dollar a piece”

The man agrees and gets thr...

One night I paid £20 pounds to see the Prince

But I partied like it was £19.99

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes


The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account...

I’ve found an easy way to lose three hundred pounds quickly!

Well... that’s the last time I bet large sums at the casino.

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an American prostitute and a British prostitute?

You can have sex with 200 pounds.

Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

I lost 30 pounds in a single day!

All it cost me was an arm and a leg.

It's never too late to lose weight.

My dad lost 130 pounds moments before we spread his ashes.

How to weigh a pig

A farmer is out in the field with his client, who is there to buy a pig, as they are walking along the client asks him, "how much does this pig weigh?"

The farmer pulls the pig out, puts his tail in his mouth and says, "she's 245 pounds easy."

Astonished, the client thinks he's being f...

My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was born with a baby-sized penis

It weights 6 pounds

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.