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Pounds Jokes

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

What's heavier? 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The answer is the feathers. Not only do you have to carry 200 pounds of feathers, but you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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An Irish man bursts into a bar and demands a beer. He pounds it and slams it back and demands another. The bartender asks what's wrong?

The Irish man angrily slams the second beer and says, "You know, you build 100 roads for the community. But do they call you Seamus the road builder? No!"

He orders another beer and slams it back. "You build 1000 walls for the villages. But do they call you Seamus the wall builder? No!"
...

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

What’s the fastest way to lose 150 pounds?

Get booked at the Fulton County Jail

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A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads "Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"

Curious, he enters the gym. He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs $100. The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back.

The guy shrugs and lays $100 on the counter. He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats. ...

I made a New Year resolution to lose 20 pounds !

Only 24 pounds to go !

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds…

Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answ...

A man walks into a grocery store and says, "Three pounds of potatoes, please."

The cashier responds, "Sorry, we only sell kilos now."

"Ah, too bad. Three pounds of kilos, then."

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Five people have been found guilty of conspiracy to supply millions of pounds worth of counterfeit Viagra.

The judge described them as hardened criminals

I’ve lost seven pounds this week…

or, as my girlfriend calls it, ‘the baby’.

I lost 40 pounds in a day;

but I also lost my babysitting job.

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It’s the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

How much does 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh?

Won Ton

Day 1 at the gym and I already lost 3 pounds!

Now it's time to get off the toilet and start my workout.

If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

I can bench press 300 pounds.

Not at the same time, but still...

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Did you know the average blue whale has a 6 foot long penis and can produce more than 20 pounds of semen?

Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!

Just invest in the British stock market

I lost 50 pounds in the past month

Investing money in the London stock market wasn't a good idea.

My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.

He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.

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There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.

That was an *Imperial* fuckup.

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

What is the hardest way to lose 6-14 pounds?

Having a baby!

Happy Mother's Day!

I would love to lose a few pounds.

But I never lose. I'm a winner!

What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds?

The Steam summer sale

A man proposes to a beautiful young girl and attempts to entice her by telling her that his father is 100 years old and possesses a fortune of several million pounds. The girl asks for two weeks to consider the proposal ...

Two weeks pass and the man calls the girl for her decision 'I can't sorry' she tells him 'I'm your stepmother'

I lost 100 pounds!

I guess the casino really does always win.

My son said: "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.

Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

I lost 15 pounds

But in my defense, babies are easy to misplace.

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

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I lost 450 pounds!

I accidentally added an extra zero on venmo and Nigel still hasn't given my money back.

Fuck you Nigel.

A man is working out with a blonde nearby

He gets hot while doing his sets so he takes off his shirt. The blonde winks and says "Wow, you've got some nice pecs there."

The man smirks and says "100 pounds of pure dynamite, babe." and returns to his workout. A few minutes go by and he gets hotter so he takes off his pants.

The b...

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

A British tourist visits a brothel in America [NSFW]

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a lit...

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

I lost over 300 pounds in 2004 - 2006

It was a long divorce, but I do feel so much lighter now!

How did Jared Fogle lose 40 pounds?

He broke up with his girlfriend.

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

What's the difference between Yo Momma and a water buffalo?

About 25 pounds.


How do you change that?


Force-feed the buffalo or shave yo momma.


(I almost feel bad for trotting out a joke older than most Redditors but I can't.)

Heisenberg weighs 145 pounds.

He's a welterweight Walter White.

Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

I recently adopted an African child. He, was just 7 pounds!

Plus shipping, of course.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

What's a fast way to lose ten pounds of ugly weight?

Cut off your head.

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a haircut and wore nicer clothes, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

I've lost 8 pounds in the last fortnight.

For the Americans amongst you that means about 10 dollars in the last two weeks.

I lost 216 pounds.

Never going to another British casino again...

A fully loaded tractor-trailer carrying 80,000 pounds of Tylenol skidded off an icy bridge, and ended up in the mighty Mississippi.

...Resulting in river failure.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and can now predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

I lost 13 pounds by walking yesterday

To you americans thats about $17

I lost 40 pounds this year.

On an unrelated note, if you see a 6 year old boy with brown hair and brown eyes. Please contact me.

How To Lose 250 pounds of ugly fat in one day

Get a divorce.

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

What do you call a mark hamil when he weighs 2000 pounds?

Hamilton

I lost 100 pounds with this one weird trick!

Exercise

How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month?

He started a swear jar.

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