My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.

Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

85 Year Old Man Getting His Physical

Old man is in the room with his wife and doctor says: "We're gonna need a blood sample, a stool sample, and a urine sample."

Old man says to his wife "What'd he say?"

Wife: "He wants your underwear."

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A man goes to get a physical

Doctor: okay sir, you seem to be in pretty good condition. I just need three things from you. A urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample.

Patient: Can't I just leave you my underwear?

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man expla...

A 60 year old man named Bill goes to get his physical.

When his doctor is finished, he shakes his head. "Bill, you're a 60 year old man, you have the body of a guy in his 40's. You're in better health than most patients I see. I have to ask - how old was your dad when he died?"

"WHAT?", Bill bellows, "Who says Dad's dead?" The doctor starts t...

I could explain to you quantum physics and you wouldn't understand a thing.

Not because it's hard but because I'm bad at explaining.

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins,

so he asked, "Do you play hockey?"

"No."

"Do you play soccer?"

"No."

"Do you play any other physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

My friend found out that Albert Einstein was a real guy

He thought he was just a theoretical physicist

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I am trying to remember a very long joke my high school physics teacher told me.

First off I know there’s TOMT for things like this, however since this is a joke I figure it gets pretty hard to track these sorts of things down. I remember the jist and punchline of this joke, however I also remember it having a very long and intricate setup, so long I remember getting pretty bore...

What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

"Oops!"

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I was working on my quantum physics homework when my mom came barging in...

I switched to porn because it was easier to explain

Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff? (Original joke)

Because that’s where students have the most potential.

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A guy goes to the doctor for his physical. The doctor says to him, “Well, for starters, you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”

The guy asks, “Why?”
And the doctor replies, “Because Good God, man! I’m trying to give you your physical!”

Obligatory Cake Day post. Thank you.

Laws of physics vs the law

Heisenberg, Shrodinger and Ohm were driving down a highway when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop asks Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going, as you can surmise, he claimed he didn't know because he knew exactly where they were. The cop, finding this suspicious asks them to open the t...

Physics joke

A physicist and his son go to a petting zoo. They come up on this animal and of course the physicist asks his son what it is. The son says "Daddy thats a rooster!", the physicist shakes his head "Son, its a lambda".

What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class?

Sum bodies

A physics professor retires and buys a lake house.

The first thing he does is build two long wooden platforms out over the lake. Every day he goes out with a bow and some arrows and stands on one of them while shooting arrows into the lake. One day a curious neighbor goes up to him and asks "what exactly are you doing?". The physicist replies "well ...

Albert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics.

His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.

A college student slowly walks into a bar and orders a beer. He starts talking to the bartender.

"What a day. Our physics professor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus." The student complains. "If she wasn't so drop dead gorgeous I would've dropped the class already." The bartender looks at him and says "So you could say she's easy on the eyes, but hard on the pupils?"

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

Gravity is the most important topic of physics.

If you remove it, you only have gravy.

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Two women are playing golf...

The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed towards a group of men.

It hit one of the men and he immediately doubled over in pain clutching his groin. The women rushed over and began apologizing vehemently.

The man said, still in pain, said it was ok and told th...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.

The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make ...

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.


After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember thing...

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

At a frat party, a young man fell off the balcony and tragically passed away

His physics professor came to give a eulogy. He said “He was such a brilliant student. Right at the end of his life, he had so much potential.”

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

Did you hear about that new physics institute?

It’s so big, there is a dedicated infrared-light district!

Why is quantum physics so much harder than regular physics?

Because in regular physics, if something can go wrong, it will.

But in quantum physics, if something *could* go wrong, it will.

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Golf balls

*A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell ...

Quantum Physics jokes

I don't always make jokes about Quantum Physics, but when I do, I don't

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What do you call a physical therapist that hates women

Massageynist

What is the worst you can say when you are a physics teacher and see a student about to jump from a building?

"You have so much potential, use it"

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

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Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

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How do you feel about sex?

A handsome bawa and an attractive bawi were good friends. They decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the bawa decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How ...

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My physics teacher asked me how much a church weighs with and without people in it.

I had to consider mass.

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Speaking of people with unusual physical traits:

I once knew a girl who actually had developed her breasts on her back.

She wasn't what you'd call all that good looking, but man she sure was fun to slow dance with!

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

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The boy got his ass kicked by his bully after he followed his father’s advice.

The boy thought forsure that playing a nice tune on his violin would dissuade his bully from attacking him through the power of music.

He didn’t understand why it didn’t work, his father was a wise man. The father’s advice advice to the boy was:

“Son, sometimes you must respond to a ph...

What's the difference between Quantum Physics and Politics?

In politics, the results won't change no matter how you measure them.

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Favorite porn genre of physical trainers?

Step-Aerobics

TIFU by going to my PCP NSFW

So I go in like an every other time of physical I've had, get through the whole shpeal with the doc and he turns to me and says "You're due for your prostrate exam. Go ahead bend over the chair and drop your pants"

Nervous as I was getting my pants off I asked "Where should I put my pants?"...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”
The li...

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

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I had my annual physical, today.

My doctor put on gloves and said he had to check my prostate. He pushed two fingers into my rectum and said, “ok, that feels good.”

And I agreed with him.

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Doctor is giving a physical exam to a lady

he asks her to remove her shirt, when he then noticed she had a bruise in the shape of the letter "H" on her chest.

When he asked about it, she said that her boyfriend attends Harvard, and that he's so proud of it that he never takes off his school sweater, even when they have sex.

So ...

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I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places

He told me to stop going to those places

I will name my son Physics.

So that I will be called Father of Physics.

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A joke I thought of when doing physics homework

What happens when distance gets a boner? It get a direction. Sorry for the bad joke.

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

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The Physics Professor says "Explain the Uncertainty Principle."

The student stand up. He says:

There's four nuns and they want to know about a penis so they ask the vicar and he says "Okay each of you have a feal."

Afterwards the first nun says: The penis is soft like the flowers in a meadow.

The second nun says: You are wrong my sister, ...

Physics vs Philosophy

The physics department of a college seeks funds to buy a cyclotron.
"This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean.
"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."
"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?...

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One of the Saddest Stories I’ve Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team’s plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.

Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a wor...

A flat earther snuck into a physics seminar

While the speaker was giving speech on recent development about gravity, flat earther shouted


" Why do you even think that gravity is real? "



Speaker dropped the mic.

Life has 3 levels of existence...

Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.

Physics

Theoretical Physicist: You have a great potential, why don't you use it?

Me standing on a rooftop: @@

The relationship between the Physics teacher and biology teacher in my brother's school didn't last long...

They had no chemistry et. al.

A young busty girl was having a physical exam with her doctor.

Doctor: OK now, big breaths.

Patient: Yah, i know, and i'm only thixtheen

At my physics exam today, I was asked who discovered the black hole.

Apparently, Ron Jeremy was not the right answer.

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

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Was always of the opinion that bad posture didn't pose a threat to my physical well-being.

But after an appointment with my physiotherapist, I stand corrected.

An old man goes to the doctor for a physical.

The doctor tells the man the results are fine and asks him how he is doing.

"I feel great!" he replied, "God and I have made a really strong connection lately."

The doctor find this a little odd, but is respectful and asks "How so?"

The man says "Well, when I wake up to pee in t...

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

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A woman came home from her annual physical smiling happily.

"What are you so happy about?" her husband asked.

"The doctor finished my physical and told me I have the breasts of an 18 year old!"

Her husband snorted derisively at her.

"Oh yeah? Well what did he say about your 45 year old asshole?"

"I dunno," she replied, "you never ...

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"As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation"

Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"

Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

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Getting A Physical

The Doctor's office called and said there was a problem with my blood work. The Doctor wanted to see me immediately.

Doctor: We need to draw more blood. We found some disturbing problems with your first sample.

Me: It is okay Doc. I've been injecting myself with blood from a rooster an...

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I paid a physic prostitute last night

She blew my mind

I keep asking my physics teacher

I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"


But he just keeps responding with "yes."

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

After learning physics I finally got it

You know how when things heat up, they expand?

That means I'm not fat, I'm hot.

Women defy the laws of physics...

They are easier to pick up the heavier they get...

Physics says "We can't touch anything"

So technically I'm not jacking off, Officer

My physics professor took an entire class to lecture us about Cole’s law

Turns out, it’s just thinly sliced cabbage

Physics is oppressive

All it does is keep us down.

Why can Einstein rank only 2nd among all physics?

Newton's first law

I had a female Physics teacher in my school.

One day, a guy asked her, "What is the unit of power?"

"That's watt", she said.

I mixed up the temperature units when doing my Physics test

As a result, I got an absolute zero.

I just learned that my college physics professor had a heart attack and died after climbing Mount Everest....

It’s so sad. He had so much potential

My physics teacher asked what I think it’d be like to walk in a town at night only illuminated by candles

I said it would be pretty lit.

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With quarantine over, I decided to book a flight, and foolishly hoped that Delta’s customer service would’ve improved after the down time.

Instead, when I got to the airport, I waited forever in a line while a Delta employee physically assaulted each and every customer who approached the desk. When my turn came, the employee gave me a right hook to the jaw and waved the next customer forward.

“What the fuck?!” I shouted. “I w...

Complicated Concept!

A professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does ph...

Ignoring all that baloney that it might have nanomachimes or something, I took my first vaccine shot into my arm.

Now it hardens in response to physical trauma.

This kid in physics class was being mean to me

So I called him the derivative of acceleration.

I went to the doctor for a complete physical

He asked for a urine, blood, stool and a sperm sample. So I gave him my underware......and a sock

They're serving mystery meat at the cafeteria in the physics lab again.

I've been asking what the main ingredient they put in their heisenburgers was, and nobody knows.

A physics teacher writes a question on a board

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"



A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:



"In a foste...

My wife told me, “Every day, you should do at least 20 sit-ups.”

I said, “That sounds like physical ab use.”

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My highschool physics teacher always used to say "Time will pass."

"Will you?"

My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy

Then i fell down the stairs and lost it all

I think I might have accidentally angered my doctor during my physical...

He told me, "That does it! The gloves are coming off!"

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A woman went to get a physical for her 40th birthday...

When she got home, she was telling her turd of a husband how it went. “The doctor said I was in great shape. As a matter of fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old. “
“Oh yeah?” Said her grumpy husband-“what he say about your 40 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.

Hey girl, are you my Physics examination paper?

Because I can stare at you for 3 hours and not understand a single thing

The frequency of bad physics jokes in this sub...

It Hertz

Physicist Joke

That is an oldy we told told each other while doing our master in Quantum Physic :

Q: what does a physicist with job tells to a physicist without job ?

A: Sir, do you want french fries with your order ?

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

An elderly couple goes into the doctors office for their annual physical

A nurse asks the elderly man for a stool sample, a sperm sample and, a urine sample.

The man, being hard of hearing, puts a hand up to his ear and says “what did she say?”

His wife looks at him and tells him, “they want your underwear”

I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation".

But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

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An older man is having a physical and the doctor says

Doctor: “you’re going to have to stop masturbating”

Old man: “what?! Why?!”

Doctor: “so I can do this damn physical!”

My friend asked me "what I would do if I met a physic?"

I replied with "he would know"

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

Did you hear about the physics student who committed suicide by jumping of a building?

A shame, really. He had so much potential.

Ghandi walked around barefoot most of the time, so he had rough feet. And he fasted a lot for spiritual and political reasons, so he’s not very physically strong. And because of the fasting, you could say that he did not have great breath, it didn’t smell great.

So to sum it all up, you could say that Ghandi was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

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Louis CK might not physically have had sex with any women

But he came close.

Physics teacher: James, what do you call the standard measurement of power?

James: What?

Teacher: Oh, I guess you were paying attention.

Why did the physics teacher only allow 3 VIPs to his party?

Because he only wanted 3 significant figures.

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Two students are taking a physics exam

One of them enters and the professor says:

-Imagine you are riding a train and its really hot inside. What would you do?

-Well,i'd open the window.

-Excellent. Now, the windows surface is 1,5m^2, your compartments volume is 12m^3, train is going west at the speed of 80km/h, the ...

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

Electronic Arts should release physical analog day planners.

DLC for Months.
.
Literally.

I just had a physical. The doctor said: “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “Like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything!”

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