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Carnal Jokes

A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office

The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."

In honor of, and with apologies to, Tony Bennett

Two close friends, Sam Frank and Frank Sam, pass away on the same day. Frank Sam, having led a good life, went to heaven and played a harp in the celestial choir. Sam Frank, having led a somewhat less noble life, wound up in hell running a disco. Frank Sam really missed his old friend and asked perm...

3 generations of males went to an old-fashioned store...

The young man asked for a pound of raisins from the pretty lady behind the counter. She had to climb a ladder to fill the order, revealing her naked flesh under her short skirt. Then, she asked his dad what he wanted.

Wanting to see a panty-less beauty climb the stairs again, he too asked f...

I just found out my mom had an affair.

The worst part is I found out in the most blunt way possible. I was playing Call of Duty when I was informed by another player that he had carnal relations with my mother. The worst part is he sounded so young.

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I used to live in a place with crazy thin walls.

I used to live in a place with super thin walls, which came with a lot of pros and cons

A big con was that at all times of day, you can hear people have nasty, carnal sex right next to you through the wall.

A pro, however, was that was if you knocked on the wall, and asked very nicely...

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First Day in the Navy

It was a young man’s first day on assignment in the Navy, and he was getting toured around the ship, his new home. His supervisor was rattling through his spiel,

“Here’s the bow, here’s the stern, mess hall, sleeping quarters, blah blah blah”,

The young guy says,

“great great,...

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A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously ver...

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Hippy and the bus driver

So a hippy gets on a bus and sees a beautiful nun sitting there. He tries to talk to her but she refuses saying she has devoted her life to god only.

The nun gets off at the next stop and the hippy decides he wants to have sex with her. The bus driver, seeing the hippy perving on the nun, wa...

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A man goes out for cigarettes

After an uneventful dinner with his wife, a man realizes he's out of cigarettes and decides to stop at his local bar for a pack. The bartender says they just started selling a new micro brew and offers him one on the house, so he decides to stay for one drink.

When he's just about finish...

A choir boy goes to confession...

He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks, "What is your sin, my child?"

"I've had carnal knowledge of a girl, Father."

"My son, it is good that you have confessed this to me but wasting your innocence on these base acts is a sin. In order to fully redeem ...

A game develper goes to H*ll

A young game developer is killed before his time, and stands before Saint Peter.
"Because you died so young, we cannot properly judge you on your sins and virtues. Therefore, you will be allowed to choose between going to Heaven or Hell."
Before the developer can express his dismay, St. Peter ...

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A ship went down on a reef...

There were only three survivors; a 25 year old man, a dog, and a cat.

They were washed up on a deserted tropical island. Food and water were no problem, but after a month the man started to get the urge to have sex. As there were no other people, he was forced to choose between the dog and...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

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A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...and spends many months alone. Just as he's reaching the point that he's starting to go crazy, he spots a ship in the distance and, all excited, lights a fire on the beach that he'd prepared for just such an eventuality.

He's overjoyed when he sees the ship change course and start heading f...

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Golf genie

In this tall tale reminiscent of the 1001 Arabian Nights, Across the seven Seas and the seven Mountains and the seven Rivers; We find a typical suburban couple playing golf.

The man is teaching his wife to play golf, and she pulls off a very powerful shot, however, in the completely unintende...

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