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Pets Jokes

A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walked into a pet store.

After greeting the store owner, she strolled through the aisles, browsing through the various pets they had on sale. A bulldog with a 50% discount sticker plastered on the kennel containing it caught her eye. She beckoned the shop owner over.

"How much do you want for this little guy?" she a...

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went into a pet shop

to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

"Well,"said the clerk, 'I have a huge bullfrog i...

I bought some pets online, and just had them delivered.

Turns out they need their liver.

Bob Barker was dedicated to getting pets spayed and neutered

Say what you want but that took alot of balls

I'm really tired of seeing "treat your pets like a member of your family" parroted all over the internet.

I would never treat my pets that badly.

My landlord assured me that pets will get me evicted.

But I don't think they're that persuasive.

Man goes to a pet store to get his wife an anniversary present.

He walks into the store, owner greets him and asks how he can help him. He glances at the pets I the store and sees birds, guinea pigs, fish and stuff.

Husband: "Today is our anniversary and I'm looking for something real special for my wife."

Owner: "Boy do I have something special fo...

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.



Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.



Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope said pets should not replace children in Italy

I guess he doesn't like priests practicing beastiality

My wife suggested that we should share our bed with our pets.

I finally gave in. After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

Why do dinosaurs make bad pets?

Because they’re all dead.

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

What do you say when your pets sneeze?

Dogblessyou! Catsundheit!

The penguin joke (my favorite joke)

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man ag...

I asked my Dad if we could get any pets...

He said pets are just a step backwards.

It's tough looking for a rental that allows pets

No one seems to have the right claws in the contract.

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

All my pets are vegan by choice and I know you can't change them!

Say hello to my goat, rabbit and cow

All the pets decide to play poker

The hamster cuts the cards. The dog deals them. Everyone picks the cards up but the cat.

Everyone antes up but the cat.

The fish looks at the cat and says, "Are you in or out?"

Cat:

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

Why are cats better pets than dogs?

You don't hear about cats collaborating with the police.

Where do rappers go to get pets?

Tha Dogg Pound

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple were out walking their pet skunk...

A couple were out walking their pet skunk and came across a nice pub. The door had a “no pets allowed” sign so the husband said “just put it down your pants, no one will know”. The wife said “what about the smell?” The husband replied, “If it dies, it fuckin dies”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People turn into their pets

That’s why your mom’s such a bitch.

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