What's the difference between a parakeet and Donald Trump?

About 5 IQ points and the ability to tweet.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet. That fucking thing never shut up.

Bird was pretty cool though.

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I once dated a girl that had a parakeet. That fucking thing never shut.

But the bird was cool.

Credit: Anthony Jeselnik. If you havenโ€™t seen this guyโ€™s specials you need to fix that.

Why did the pastry chef poison his pet parakeets?

He was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 scone.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

[NSFW] Have you ever owned a parakeet?

Because you look like you love a Cockatoo

Why is it called a parakeet..

if there's only one of them?

Did you hear about the man who did it with a parakeet?

He contracted chirpes. And the worst thing? It was untweetable.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A woman comes running into the ER

A woman comes running into the ER with both arms in between her legs.

When she eventually gets seen by the doctor, he's surprised to see both hands stuck .. up there.

"So, what exactly is the problem?" The doctor asks.

"I was holding my pet parakeet when it suddenly just flew...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Kid goes to the local pet store...

A 10 tear old boy with a bad lisp goes to the local pet store and asks "Ethuse mne, thir, do you haff any birth sneed?"

The shop keeper says "Go away kid, I'm busy."

The boy leaves and comes back a couple of days later and says "Ethuse mne, thir, do you haff any birth sneed?"


Moms are great

I had a pet parakeet when I was little.
But then, it died.

My mom brought another one, just the same.
So that, I don't notice.

But I knew.

And I killed that one too.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Saying goodbye to mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the hou...

My visit to the pet store

A man walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The owner replies, "I'm fresh out, but I do have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too mu...

I was a secretary in an office...

And one of my coworkers, Herald, had a beautiful parakeet that he kept on his table in his office cubby. It was named "Dimes" after his love of small shiny objects.

Anyways at the office one day, I get a call from Herald's table and it was the parakeet. He was tired of being the only one in t...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Bob was a carpet installer

and one day he installed this beautiful wall to wall carpet for Mrs. Smith. He spent all day and did a great job. As he finished he was thinking "I'm ready for a cigarette now!". They weren't in his shirt pocket, and they weren't in his vest pocket. They weren't in his pants.

As Bob was goin...

Asking for a friend...

Please, I am very lonely and have nobody to talk to but my parakeet, Humphrey.

The state trooper is driving down the highway when...

he sees a truck driver pull over, walk to the side of his truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck several times, and then drive away. Two miles down the road he does the same thing. Another two miles, same thing. The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the truck driver to explain and...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

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