Paddy And Mick Jokes

Paddy and mick were having lunch together.
Paddy opens his lunch box
"Feck me Mick, that's chicken sandwiches every day for the third week running. If I get chicken again tomorrow I'm gonna go jump off the roof and kill myself"

Mick opens his lunchbox and has a ham sandwich,
"Fecki... read more

Paddy asks Mick. "Who is the one person you would want to be stranded on a desert island with?".

Mick replys. "My uncle Harry because he has a boat".

...when they see a sign in a shop window
> TREE FELLERS WANTED

> Great Pay
> Flexible Hours
> No Experience Necessary

Paddy turns to Mick and says "What do you reckon?"

Mick replies "It's a shame there's only two of us"

.. and they're not catching anything.
As they're about to give up for the day past them walk two Englishmen with huge baskets of freshly caught fish.


"BEJEYZUS!" Paddy exclaims, "How on Eart did ya catch soo many fish?"
The Englishmen explain that it's a life-hack they've been... read more

Paddy: I have bought a Puppy.

Mick: Oh nice, what breed have you bought?

Paddy: A Labrador.

Mick: You bloody idiot.

Paddy: Oh! why is that?

Mick: All Labrador owners I have seen go blind....

Paddy: "Ahhh, Mick look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"

Mick says: "Herd of Cows, Paddy... Herd of Cows"

Mildly infuriated, Paddy replies:

"Of course I've heard of Cows, Mick: there's a bloody flock of them in the next field!!"

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "O... read more

Mick takes a left onto a cobbled road. The car shudders and shakes violently.

Paddy: "Mick!! Slow down ya crazy man, you're gonna set the bomb off!!!"

Mick: "Oh calm down Paddy, I've got a spare one in the back!"

**Best read with an Irish accent**

between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Mick said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Paddy said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money ... read more

Paddy and Mick, have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.

The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and Mick takes his gun and shoots a man.

"What are you doing Mick" said Paddy, "It's only a quarter to eight!"

"That... read more

Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
 
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs."
 
The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and f... read more

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.

The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot ... read more

Apparently they thought it was a whiskey business.

Paddy: "Mick, ye alright? Whadd'ye see down there?"

Mick: "I'm fine aye, but it's too dark to see. Have ye a match?"

Paddy: "Aye, here you go."

Mick: "... This match isn't working!"

Paddy: "That's funny, it worked when I used it."

Paddy, Mick, and Seamus were from a small village in Ireland. Every Sunday they used to go to the local pub, sit at the bar and order a pint of Guinness each. This tradition went on every Sunday for years until Seamus emigrated to England. Before he left the 3 made a pact that, wherever they were in... read more

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6.  As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last ... read more

Two Irish men were doing an MOT on a cars indicators. Paddy and mick were like it’s werkin, it’s not werkin, it’s werkin, it’s not werkin

Paddy and Mick are blind drunk and going home from a night out and realize that they don’t have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus Depot and steal a bus. … Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stands as a lookout. …

After a while, Paddy decides to see what is keeping Mi... read more

...and they see a man leaning over a bridge...on closer inspection they see he's holding the feet of another man who's arms are dangling in the river below. "What are you doing?"asks Paddy
"Fishing," replies the man.."...we wait for a big fish to come along then tickle it....as it is tickled it ... read more