UPJOKE

Paddy And Murphy Jokes

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the road when Paddy falls down an man hole with the cover missing.

Murphy yells 'Jesus Paddy, have you broken anything '

Paddy shouts back 'No, there's nothing down here to break'

Paddy and Murphy are in a dark cave.

Paddy says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?"

Murphy hands Paddy a match, which Paddy strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.

Paddy says to Murphy "This match doesn't work."

"That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earli...

Paddy and Murphy are walking down the road

And paddy falls down a manhole

Murphy says to paddy "paddy is it dark down there!”

Paddy says "I don’t know, I can’t see!"

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Paddy and Murphy are chatting.

Paddy: "My mate came off of his motorbike today."

Murphy: "Oh really, Is he okay.?"

Paddy: He has brain damage, 2 broken arms & he is blind in one eye.

Murphy: "Fucking hell, no wonder he came off"!!!!

Paddy and Murphy

...are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home". So he leaves the ...

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Paddy and Murphy

Paddy and Murphy are sitting by a river in the jungle when they spot someone's head sticking out of a crocodile's mouth. Paddy turns to Murphy and says, "Look at that posh bastard in his Lacoste sleeping bag!"

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Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

Paddy's and Murphy's Pigs

Paddy and Murphy went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Murphy and said, "Murphy, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

Murphy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says ...

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Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them.

Paddy says “I’ve an idear” and goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says “are ye mad? Now we’re skint!”
“Come on” says Paddy, “follow me”
They go into a pub, order two pints, and drink them.
Before they pay Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get...

Paddy and Murphy go fishing

Paddy and Murphy decide one fine, sunny day to take their boat out and spend the afternoon fishing. For a time, all is well and the weather is calm.

All of a sudden, Paddy and Murphy sail in an absolute unit of a storm, and water begins to pour into the boat.

"Paddy, quick!" cries Murp...

Two Irish fellas, Paddy and Murphy are looking for a job

They are walking down the road when they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted - apply within"

Paddy says "Hey Murphy, if we find another person we can apply for that".

Paddy and Murphy find a mirror

Paddy and Murphy find a mirror. Paddy picks it up, has a look and says to Murphy " that bloke looks really familiar ". Murphy grabs it off him " Its me you idiot "

Paddy and Murphy walking down the street, paddy falls over, paddy says 'Murphy, call me an ambulance' Murphy says..

PAAAADDY IS AN AMBULANCE!!

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An Irishman is walking home in Belfast, after a long day of alcohol filled festivities

His walk proves to be longer than he anticipated and nature starts calling. He keeps walking, hoping he'll make it home but he can't hold it in anymore. He looks around but can't see a place to conceal his inevitable colon loaf. He stops in the middle of the footpath, lowers his trousers, squats dow...

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An word play fancy dress party is in full swing [nsfw]

The host walks up to a lady who's completely naked apart from pink ribbon covering her modesty

He says "what have you come as?"

She says " I'm tickled pink, of course"

The host then walks over to a man in a green Lycra suit with the initials N and V on his chest

He says "...

Paddy And Murphy Are In The Pub

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It...

Paddy and Murphy were walking back from the pub together when they saw a job flyer posted on telegraph pole. It read “Tree-Fellers Wanted”

Paddy turned to Murphy and said “it’s a shame Seamus isn’t here, we’d be perfect for that job”

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He'll never make it

Ireland on lock down due to the virus!! Paddy and Murphy have just been signed up by the army. They are given a rifle each and told...‘ Martial law has been declared! Anyone caught out after 6 pm it's SHOOT TO KILL!!!
On their first day, they are sitting on a rooftop when Paddy lets off 3 rounds...

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