Patient: Doctor, I have accidentally swallowed the “DO NOT EAT” packet from my new shoes, will I die?!!

Doctor: Well, everyone’s going to die eventually.
Patient; Everyone?!.. Oh my god, what have I done?!!!

I saw a packet of Jamie Oliver sausages

On the back it said prick with fork, I thought yeah that's him alright

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy...

There was this beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered.

“No, this is my first time”

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned ...

[Long] Tom arrives home to find his notoriously perverted roommate Matt holding a packet of ice to his cheek.

Curious Tom pulls Matts hand away to find that the right side of his face is completely red and swollen.


"Goodness, what happened this time?" He asks.


"I met a hot girl at the bar with a perfect pair of 34 Es. She caught me sneaking a peak a few times." Matt replied.

...

Two packets of crisps are strolling down the street when a car pulls alongside them...

The driver asks if they would like a lift.

The crisps say, "No thanks, we're Walkers."

A man has been stuck on a desert island for 10 years

when he notices an unusual speck in the distance.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, is a beautiful blonde woma...

A TCP packet walks into a bar

A TCP packet walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer."

The bartender replies, "You want a beer?"

The TCP packet replies, "Yes, I'd like a beer."

A man rushes into the doctors' office and says "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The Doc says, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually"

To this, the man shrieks and responds "Everyone? Oh lord, what have I done?"

Cigarette packets says “smoking kills” so I stopped smoking them

I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried sharing a packet of chips with a homeless person in a street

He told me to fuck off and buy my own

Once the night watchman received a pound too much in his pay-packet

But he didn't mention it to his boss. But his boss found out and deducted it the following payday.

'Hey, ' said the watchman, 'I am a pound short this week.'

'You didn't say anything last week when you were paid a pound too much, I noticed'

'NO', replied the watchman. 'I can ove...

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just caught an Alien in the freezer masturbating into a packet of frozen veg!

"What the fuck are you doing?" I shouted.

"Please don't hurt me." He replied. "I cum in peas."

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

A UDP packet walks into a

I would tell you another UDP joke but you might not get it.

I read on my cigarette packet that "smoking causes baldness"...

Then I realised it said "blindness". Thank god! But now I'm not sure if it is the drinking or the blindness that is causing my misreading.

And my baldness.

My little sister hated that our mother was addicted to cigarettes so she took a fork and stabbed the packet repeatedly.

Mom was not pleased. Holy smokes!

^(Based on a true story)

I want to dress up as a UDP packet for Halloween

but I don't know if anyone will get it.

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

http://imgur.com/2TKdb

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my favorite old jokes

Juan works in a supermarket.

A man came in and asked Juan for half a pound of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 lb packets of butter, but the man was persistent.

The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

Juan walked into the back room and said, "There's a crazy as...

A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked an...

A sanguine tale

Jake and Ruth were blood analysts in a hospital. Given the proximity of the hospital to the highway, really gruesome motor accidents were quite common. So the hospital decided to house a huge supply of blood for emergencies, and these two were employed full time to analyse blood which they got, and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor is useless.

I went last week to see what he could do about haemorrhoids. He prescribed me a packet of the weirdest pills I ever saw. They tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

Nobody tells me what I can or can't eat

Least of all some guy whose job is labelling packets of silica gel.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

A bear walks into a bar

He says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint of beer and a.......... packet of peanuts."
The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?"

Where's the fire.....

A firefighter’s wife suspects the hubby is getting some on the side. Being non confrontational , she plays it close to the chest. One day she goes through the hubby’s car and discovers a packet of unused condoms.

With a knowing smile, she soaks ‘em in jalapeño for an hour before putting the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman wanted to spice up her sex life

So she went down to the local sex store, and asked the the clerk "Do you have any dildos?".

"Why, of course" replied the guy behind the counter. She was shown around the store, and finally she was shown the magic dildo. "If you say, 'magic dildo' and the hole you want fucked, it will fuck it"...

When my lady is on her period...

I love to squeeze her because she’s my little ketchup packet

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect

dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please .....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During the Second World War ...

During the Second World War ...


In an attempt to show that the Nazis were not so bad, the German generals who took over the concentration camps decided to create a position where one of the Jewish prisoners would be named spokesman of all the prisoners and once a month would have oppor...

My grandfather was a prison guard.

He told me a story one day about an inmate he knew back years ago. He said

“On my first day of work I spotted this guy who had the nicest cell in the joint. TV, silk sheets, food whenever he wanted it. I had no clue why.

I eventually found out that everyone there - the other guards, t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Family of three were watching TV on evening.

The young son was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, fiddling with a yogurt packet. He couldn't get the lid off.

"Stupid fucking yogurt," the son muttered while he was struggling with the yogurt lid.

The mother was appalled, knowing that her husband too has a horrible mouth. Sh...

Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?

Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet

A student arrives late for an exam...

A large lecture hall of students is taking the final exam for their course. Halfway through the hour, a student arrives late. As he picks up a copy of the test, the professor looks disappointed and says, "Young man, I wrote this test to take an hour. Because of your tardiness, it it unlikely you'll ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a Chinatown apothecary

He tells the proprietor that he has a date with a gorgeous woman that night. The woman, however has an incredible sex drive, and she has left every man she had ever been with after a single night because they could not satisfy her.

The proprietor nods his head and asks the man to wait. He g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was t...

Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

"That will be $0.05 please sir".

"Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too"

"Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir".

"Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps".

"0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together".

...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer....

The barman says to the customer 'Sorry, I've got to change the barrel' and disappears into the back.

Whilst he's waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he's about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, 'You're a handsome chap! Have...

The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.

The Queen was desperate to remove this terri...

Goku gets into a car accident

and has to be rushed to the E.R. He has a piece of shrapnel stuck in his arm and is in extreme pain. He gets to the front desk and yells at the nurse "Help! I'm in extreme pain! I have shrapnel in my arm!"

The nurse looks at him calmly and says, "sure, but first you have to fill out this ins...

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three nuns are talking...

The first one says, "Do you know what I found in the Father's room the other day? A stack of pornographic magazines!"
The second nun says, "I can top that! I was in his room the other day, and I found a whole packet of condoms! I poked holes in all of them!"
"Oh shit!" the third nun says.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Smart Boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store,

but the man insisted on buying only 1/2.

So the boy went inside to the manager’s room and said “An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of bu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...

A lot of people think that IPhone X price is too much, and no one will buy it.

But over the last week people paid over $800 for a packet of sauce, so anything must be possible.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a $1.70 a packet and deer nuts are under a buck

A man went in for an interview...

A man went in for an interview for a job as a sales man. The interview went quite well, but the trouble was that he kept winking.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we are looking for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers off."...

When I was a kid -

My mum used to send me to the corner shop of our street with a ten-bob note, and for that I'd bring back 6 eggs, 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, 5lb of potatoes and a packet of sweets for me. Trouble is, you can't do that today.....

Too many cameras.

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen...

A police officer is doing his patrol when he sees two men arguing.

He goes to approach, when suddenly it gets physical. The first man throws a packet of sodium chloride at the second, and the second responds by throwing a bunch of 9 volts at the first.

The officer arrests them for a salt and battery.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Junior Builder....

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you’re 60 who cares?

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."...

A man with vision problems...

A man and his family have had a long history of problems with their eyesight, most remedied by prescription glasses. He's in his forties now when he starts to lose the overall quality of his vision and starts going to various doctors.

He gets prescribed a pair of prescription glasses and to n...

TIFU While drinking coffee during jury duty.

We were in the jury room deliberating the verdict. I was drinking a coffee, and dumped some packets of sugar into my beverage. Unfortunately a few were actually salt, and I ended up spitting hot coffee all over the woman next to me.

I tried to help clean off her dress, but accidentally hit h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage

So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the condom and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband res...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once, a man ordered a penis enlargement kit through a website

He was furious when he opened the packet which was delivered. All it had was a magnifying glass.

But he started laughing when he saw a note along with it: "Avoid using in direct sunlight."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the corner shop earlier to get some cigarettes.

The shopkeeper handed me a packet. The warning on it said, “Smokers Die Younger”.

I said, “No, not this one. My parents wouldn’t like that.”

He handed me another. The warning on it said, “Smoking Causes Cancer”.

I said, “No, not this one either. My doctor wouldn’t like that.”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lad goes for a job in Homebase.

Boss says "let me show you how its done."....... A customer walks in & asks for a packet of grass seed, the boss says "sir, when the grass grows you'll need shears, and after that you'll need a lawn mower." Customer says, "I never thought of that" & leaves having spent £200. "That's how its ...

A bear walks into a bar...

... goes up to the barman and says "I'd like a gin and tonic .............. and a packet of peanuts". The barman says "Sure, but why the big pause?". The bear holds up his hands and says, "These? Hey, I was born with them".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Friend, Ving.

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother takes her little son to the doctor for a check-up.

After some time, he leaves the doctor's office with a little packet in his hand.
"Doctor said I should take this." the boy explains disinterestedly.
"What is that?" the mother asks him.
"Dunno."
"Well, go back in and ask the doctor what exactly that is."
So the boy goes back into the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy is buying his first motorcycle

His mother is mortified that after saving up all through highschool he's going to risk his life and
buy a motorcycle in college. She asks him why he wants to ride and he replies "Because it's cool,
I'm an adult now, I want to feel free for once in my life"

His mum took that to heart. S...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Moth Problem

A sales assistant walks up to an old lady in his store and asks if he can help.

The lady says, “Yes please. I have a bit of a moth problem at home and need something to get rid of them.”

The assistant points out where the mothballs are and the lady thanks him and buys a packet.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gurkhas

The Falklands War had begun. Britain was unprepared, and as she had done so many times in the past, Britain called up her toughest military unit, The Brigade Of Gurkhas. The Brigade commander was called in to Army Headquarters to be briefed on their mission.

"You will need to get your force...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The origins of the ornamental angel atop the Christmas tree

It's almost New Year's Eve and Santa is getting ready to get to work and bring presents to everyone that has been good this year. So there he is at home, taking a shower and preparing for the big night. Opening his closet, he sifts through his clothes and finds his favorite red coat and trousers, bu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

Nerdiest joke I know.

I'd tell you a joke about UDP packets, but I'm not sure you'd get it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Brit working in New York meets a friend for lunch on his first day at work.

The friend produces a packet of cigarettes and promptly begins to light one up.
The Brit grabs the cigarette throws it to the floor and stamps it out. “Are you insane”, asked the Brit, “don’t you know how insane the health laws in this country are?”
“What do you mean?” asked his friend.
“We...

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a Pork pie.

The barman gives him his pint, and a nice fresh pork pie. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie, puts it on the top of his head and walks out, carefully balancing it on his noggin.

About 10 minutes later, he returns and goes to the bar. Again, the man asks for a pint and a pork pie.
<...

A man suffers from Blepharospasm (constant, uncontrollable winking) in one eye...

he complains to a friend that it gives him the most awful head aches. His friend asks, why don't you just get some aspirin from the pharmacy. He replies, I do, but every time I ask the pharmacist for an aspirin he gives me a packet of condoms.

A very drunk man walks into a bar

He yells:

two large beers and a packet of crisps please!

Lady: sir, this is a library.

Man, whispering: two large beers and a packet of crisps please!

How strange...

Last night my flatmate only popped out for milk wearing no make up and instead came back with 4 packets of Haribo, 4 fun size Snickers and a 'Best Costume' trophy.