What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste

I'd love to have oral intercourse with my girlfriend, but...

... I don't want to hurt her fillings

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What is the difference between oral and anal sex

One makes your whole day the other makes your hole weak

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A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes, we have verbal sex everyday.” the woman answered. “Verbal sex? I think you mean oral sex!” the doctor laughed. “No, I mean verbal sex.” the woman persisted...

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’"

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I saw two rodents giving each other oral sex

Mice

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A group of fighters from the Roman Colosseum were hired out to rich Romans as prostitutes. One so impressed an influential Roman noble with his oral skills that she began to work on getting him freed.

In the end he was gladiator.

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I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

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My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn't stop making jokes about oral sex.

I said "That's hard to swallow."

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Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

Me and my girlfriend tried oral for the first time today

She sucked at it

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What does oral sex taste like to senior citizens?

Depends

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Oral sex using telekinesis

Mind blowing

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How is giving oral sex like being in the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

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What do oral and anal have in common?

Thinking outside the box

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside


External :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?


Student :- I will open the window.


External :- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 1.5 sq.m and the ...

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What does Snoop Dogg call it when he receives oral sex?

A blow jizzle.

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Oral sex might just work!

A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a comatose woman. She is gently sponging her nether region when suddenly the monitor blips.

“Doctor!” she exclaims, “look at this!”

The doctor comes in, she does it again, and the monitor blips again.

“Interesting,” says the doctor. “Call her h...

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Did you hear about the number of sexual assault allegations against Bill Clinton involving coercive oral sex?

It's jaw dropping.

What do you call a Catholic girl who loves to give oral?

Sacrilegious

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A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.

The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The...

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Man’s wife is on life support and the only way to bring her back to normal is oral sex.

A man’s standing by his wife on life support as the doctor walks into the room.

“Sir, the only way you can get your wife back to normal is oral sex”

“Are you sure about that? That seems odd doesn’t it?”

“I’m afraid we looked at all the options and it’s the only way”

“For...

I was dating a dentist.

I was really confused when she recommended Oral-B.

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I was amazed to learn that one quarter of women dislike giving oral sex.

25%. Mind blowing.

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John comes home and tells Mary he will perform oral sex on her

Mary really excited goes into bed. John gives her oral sex and after they noticed that John had a pubic hair stuck in his teeth. They struggle to get it out but they do not manage to do it. Then John says:

J: Mary I will go to the dentist to help me.

M: If you think this is the best id...

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What's the difference between an outdoor cleaning machine and a person who likes to give oral sex to Canadian men?

There isn't one. They're both leafblowers.

What do you call a guy who finds out a one night stand got pregnant, but is relieved to remember that they only did oral?

Gladiator.

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An old couple are sitting on a seat in a park, side by side...

... the husband leans over to his wife, says "Fuck you" and smiles.

The wife turns to him, also smiling, and replies "Fuck you too, dear."

They both sit in silence for a few minutes, before the wife turns to her husband.

"Dear, I can't say I'm a big fan of this oral sex."

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

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Mrs. Clarke has been in a coma for 18 months..

A nurse is giving Mrs. Clarke a wash when she notices that the patient moves a little when she washes her genitals.

Again the nurse brushes over her genitals with a cloth and again Mrs. Clarke, disturbs gently.

The nurse calls the patients husband and he immediately goes to the hospi...

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What did the web developer say after oral sex?

</head>

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Drinking non alcoholic beer is like giving oral sex to your sister

It tastes similar, But you know it's wrong.

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What do you call a guy who is skilled in the art of oral sex?

A cunnilinguist.

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Oral sex is overrated

I've tried it and it sucks

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PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

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Jack suffered from terrible unrelenting migraines. He'd been to all kind of doctors with no avail.

Finally, he consulted a very controversial migraine specialist.

Doctor: "I know what you're feeling. It's a throbbing sensation in your temples that just doesn't quit. I used to suffer from such headaches too. The best thing for this is oral sex.!!
I would go down on my wife and as she org...

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My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than oral Sex."

So that's what she gave me.

Nothing.

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Masturbation is a touchy subject...

...whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.

I thought it would be hot to wake my girlfriend up with oral.

But she woke up before I could even get her mouth open.

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One of my coworkers is always bragging about how much oral sex she gets.

She really likes to rub peoples' noses in it.

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After 25 years of marriage, my wife and I have only oral sex....

...We shout, "Fuck you!" as we pass each other in the hall.

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An old guy wants to surprise his old wife in bed for her birthday

He grabs her, and they start making out. He slowly makes his way down, and starts giving her oral.

A few seconds later, he gets back up, and says “I’m sorry, I can’t stay down there anymore, it smells awful!”.

“No, it’s ok, I’m sorry... I think I have arthritis” says the wife.

...

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Only Oral can Save Her

Courtesy of the great Norm Macdonald......

A man's wife goes into a coma.

The doctor says "Theres only one way of reviving your wife but it's a little unconventional. You go in there and have oral sex with her"

The man says"my god...."

Doctor says "I know I know, but I'v...

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What do you call a chick who won’t perform oral sex.

You don’t.

The professor and student

The professor goes to the university canteen for lunch, a student sits across from him at the same table.
The professor gets annoyed with him and said: "A pig and bird do not eat together".
Student: "I apologize. Then I'll fly to another table".
The professor is very frustrated about the...

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What's the difference between a tire, and receiving oral sex every day for a year?

One's a Goodyear, the other's a fucking great year.

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Where did the oral sex addict go as soon as he got out of rehab?

The liquor store.

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Modern Medicine (Shoutout Norm)

My wife recently went into a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to wake her up.
He said, "There is one way. An ancient method. You must have oral sex with her."
I say, "Doc, I don't know if I'm comfortable performing oral sex with her unconscious body."
And he say...

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What kind of night is it, during which you get satisfying oral sex?

A suckcessful one!

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My girlfriend said she hates giving me oral sex...

At least I think that's what she was trying to say...

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What does Miss Piggy call oral sex?

Having a frog in her throat.

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Reciprocating Oral Sex is Important

So I get 1/10th of a blowjob every day.

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A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.

He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish.

The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish."

The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the...

A lot of people are injecting this new drug called "Jesus", but I've started taking it orally...

...because I'd never take the Lord's name in vein.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer.

The taste.

Posted this because one daughter just tried to take her temperature with a rectal thermometer and asked why it tasted funny.

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I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

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Doc

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman."That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'...

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I'm currently working on an oral sex joke.

I'll give you a taste of what's to come.

Did you hear Oral-B and Queen Latifah are making a toothbrush together?

It’s called clean-ya-teefah!

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A man walks up to a bar and sits down. He puts a frog on the bar next to him.

A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog sits next to him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "what's with the frog?"

The man looks at the woman and says, "this is my pet frog. He's very spec...

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Two pensioners are having oral sex with each other.

The man says, "I can't do this any longer. It stinks down here!"

"Sorry," The woman says. "It's my arthritis."

"Arthritis in your vagina?" He exclaims.

"No, in my shoulder. I can't wipe my ass."

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Two teenagers are on a date...

The date is going well, and after some making out towards the end of the evening, the guy asks if he can get a blowjob. "I'm sorry, but if I do that for you I feel like you won't respect me after" she says. After a year and a half of dating, they get married. On their wedding night, the new husband...

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On the first night my girlfriend and I stayed togather overnight, we made a deal that whoever woke up first had to surprise the other with oral.

I dont understand why she was so pissed when she woke up with my Dick in her mouth.

The physics professor in the oral exam asks the student

"What is faster, light or sound?"

"Well obviously light"

"Alright, why?"

"Well, when I turn on my TV, I first see the picture and then comes the sound"

The professor of course fails the student. The next student he asks the same question.

"What is faster, light or ...

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TIL lions perform oral sex on each other.

Talk about swallowing your pride.

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