This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking through the local park when I was verbally abused by two unruly kids.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son is taking part in a social experiment.

He has to wear a support Arsenal. T.Shirt for 2 weeks.

So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused.

It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

DEA Officer at my farm

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear...

The cashier got my wife with this at the store just now then she got me at home with it. It only works verbally, but I wanted to share.

Cashier: Did you hear about the famous actress that stabbed her husband today?

wife: No who?

Cashier: Reese...um...

Wife: Witherspoon?

Cashier: No, with her knife!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions?

Me: Can’t say that I’m surprised.

Therapist: Exactly.

A man is verbally abusive to his wife, but

she always keeps her cool.

He asks her "I'm always so abusive to you, how come you're always so calm?"

"I scrub the toilet" his wife replies

"I don't get it?!" He says

"I use your toothbrush"

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry!

(Works best verbally)

Covid-19 has damaged the Italian economy so much that they have placed a lien on the Tower of Pizza.

Sounds better verbally

Tell me why you wish to divorce your husband.

"He treats me like a dog!"

"You mean he abuses you physically? Verbally?"

"No, he wants me to be faithful!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to a prostitute and asks what she can do

She asks him how much money does he have?

Guy: "Only $10."

Prostitute, "For $10, I can give you a penguin."

The guy figures this is new lingo, so he pays her the money.

In an alleyway, she pulls down his pants and starts blowing him. Just as he tells her he is abou...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Clown Joke

**Preface** - *I did not write this joke, but it has been my favorite for twenty years and remains the only long joke that I ever bother reciting irl. I hope you enjoy it:).*

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Black Soldier vs. An Indian

Some black soldiers and an Indian tribe are in a war. A black solider has dug in and is on the front line in a foxhole. The Indian is out patrolling to make contact with the enemy. The two soldiers come across one another and hold their ground. There's obviously an inability to verbally communic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Naming daughters

This is one of those jokes that is better told verbally (you'll see why later) but anyways:

A little girl goes up to her dad one day as asks, "Daddy, how'd you come up with my name?"

"Well," says the dad, "me and your mom were driving home from the hospital, you were tuckered in the ba...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.