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A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes, we have verbal sex everyday.” the woman answered. “Verbal sex? I think you mean oral sex!” the doctor laughed. “No, I mean verbal sex.” the woman persisted...

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’"

A man is verbally abusive to his wife, but

she always keeps her cool.

He asks her "I'm always so abusive to you, how come you're always so calm?"

"I scrub the toilet" his wife replies

"I don't get it?!" He says

"I use your toothbrush"

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A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

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I was walking through the local park when I was verbally abused by two unruly kids.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

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I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

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As I expected, my therapist told me that I have problems verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

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"The average woman will receive verbal abuse six times a day," said my wife.

I said, "Honey, you're not the average woman. You're a million times what the average woman is."

"Aww, thanks babe," she replied.

I said, "It wasn't a compliment. Lose some fucking weight."

The cashier got my wife with this at the store just now then she got me at home with it. It only works verbally, but I wanted to share.

Cashier: Did you hear about the famous actress that stabbed her husband today?

wife: No who?

Cashier: Reese...um...

Wife: Witherspoon?

Cashier: No, with her knife!

If I hit you with a dictionary...

...is it physical or verbal abuse?

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

DEA Officer at my farm

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear...

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Soviet Russia. Verbal history exam

The professor asks the first student

"Comrade, what ideology does your father follow?"


"He is a monarchist" replies the student


"And when was our great nation established" asks the professor.


"Tsardom of Russia was established 1547" replies the student ...

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry!

(Works best verbally)

I don’t think there are many instances where British royalty get into verbal altercations.

But if they did they’d have to duke it out somewhere.

Tell me why you wish to divorce your husband.

"He treats me like a dog!"

"You mean he abuses you physically? Verbally?"

"No, he wants me to be faithful!"

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My therapist just told me I had some serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Credit: u/Porichoygupto

Verbal Battle

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. "My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared.

"No, he's not!" Johnny responded.

"My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said.

"He is no...

How many A's in Canada?

4, cAnAdA, eh?
My dad told me this and it's much easier to tell verbally, so sorry for bad formatting.

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My wife hit me with this one last night [NSFW]

Me (jokingly): I need you to fill out a consent form before we have sex

Her: Nah, Alexa records everything so verbal consent will do

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One ticket to Boobston

The year is 1993 a young upstart business executive has to take a quick trip to Boston for a board meeting.

Running late he didn't have time to have his administrative assistant call ahead and book his flight, so he decided just to do it himself once he got to the airport.

After being ...

Covid-19 has damaged the Italian economy so much that they have placed a lien on the Tower of Pizza.

Sounds better verbally

A man walks into a bar.

The bartender greets him with, "How about a drink?"

"Thanx. Vodka."

The bartender brings it. "That'll be $5."

"Wait! You offered me a drink and I accepted. Nobody said anything about money."

The man next to him speaks up. "I'm a lawyer and, technically, you entered i...

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Guy goes to a prostitute and asks what she can do

She asks him how much money does he have?

Guy: "Only $10."

Prostitute, "For $10, I can give you a penguin."

The guy figures this is new lingo, so he pays her the money.

In an alleyway, she pulls down his pants and starts blowing him. Just as he tells her he is abou...

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A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

Stop complaining!

My daughter recently went on a trip with some friends. While she was out, they went to the museum, attended a wedding (the reason for the trip), and went to see a movie, Frozen 2, as long as she promised not to spoil it for our family.

When she got back after her weekend, it seemed that bein...

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There are certain lines you don't cross.

One morning a few days ago, my wife and I were sitting at our kitchen table, enjoying a bit of verbal sparring while we ate. During one particular exchange I made the comment that if she kept up with her smart mouth, I was going to give her a "Rick James Special". She looked at me quizzically, pausi...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

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A man wins an online lottery of $5000 but finds out her entered the wrong email address.

He comes home disappointed and tells his son to send an email kindly requesting him to transfer all the money to his account, since he is the rightful recipient of the cash prize. However, his panic attack kicks in as he realizes he probably won't accept their request, and he tells his son to just s...

A woman walks into a pet store...

And eyes a beautiful parrot with a muzzle on its beak. She's curious about the muzzle and asks a clerk why the parrot was muzzled. The clerk tells her that the parrot once belonged to a very salty pirate and that it has the filthiest mouth he's ever heard.
She sees the possibility of a discount ...

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A hermit, a clown, and a witty comeback...

FULL DISCLOSURE: This is a shaggy dog story...

An old hermit has been living alone in the wilderness for many, many years. He decides that it is finally time to rejoin society. He sees in the local paper that the circus is coming to a nearby town and decides that a circus would be a wonderful...

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A dominatrix walks down the hallway of her brothel...

...into one of the many rooms. Inside, there's a man blindfolded, handcuffed, and chained to the floor. She walks up and slaps him as hard as she can and says, "Who's my little bitch?"

The man screams and yells, "What the fuck are doing?"

The mistress was confused, she'd been prepped f...

Serena Williams was fined $17k

Verbal abuse of the umpire: $10,000

Being warned for coaching: $4,000

Breaking her racket: $3,000

Stealing the moment from Osaka by calling the umpire a thief: Priceless

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An American man and his son went on vacation to Finland.

When they arrived, a cab driver greeted them at the airport. "What should we do on our first day here," the father asked his son, excitedly. The driver interjected, "Well, if you're not natives, I'd suggest the roller coaster that teaches your or language." Confused, the father and son look at one a...

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Naming daughters

This is one of those jokes that is better told verbally (you'll see why later) but anyways:

A little girl goes up to her dad one day as asks, "Daddy, how'd you come up with my name?"

"Well," says the dad, "me and your mom were driving home from the hospital, you were tuckered in the ba...

The Silver Woman [Long]

One dark night a Frenchman by the name of Guillaume was hiking through the forest. Enraptured by the natural beauty of the world around him, he paused for a moment, taking in the cool breeze blowing through the trees, the sparkling ceiling of stars, and sighed contentedly. Looking up he saw a bright...

Estonian drinking games.

**First game**
5 Estonians drink 10 bottles of vodka. One of them hides in the closet. The others have do figure out who is in the closet.

**Second game**
3 Estonians drink 3 bottles of vodka and 9 beers. One of them hides in the closet and the others keep on drinking. At the en...

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The Clown Joke

**Preface** - *I did not write this joke, but it has been my favorite for twenty years and remains the only long joke that I ever bother reciting irl. I hope you enjoy it:).*

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact t...

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A Black Soldier vs. An Indian

Some black soldiers and an Indian tribe are in a war. A black solider has dug in and is on the front line in a foxhole. The Indian is out patrolling to make contact with the enemy. The two soldiers come across one another and hold their ground. There's obviously an inability to verbally communic...

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