UPJOKE
46octobernovemberseptemberjulyjanuaryjunefebruaryaugustaprildecemberfolvellul

Oc Jokes

[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal

They just want to dye.

(My first oc please don’t hurt me)

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?

She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.

[OC] I went shopping with my wife yesterday....

She looked at lipsticks for over 30 minutes but she didn't buy any

She tried 20 kinds of perfumes but none of them were good enough

She tested 10 different kinds of mascaras but she didn't like any of them

She read the labels of all the blushes just to finally walk out empty han...

[oc] What do you call a non aggressive Bruce Lee?

Friend Lee

oc

my roommate said the neighbors across the street were calling me inwards... I'll agree I'm not that outgoing, just a black dude that likes watching TV and playing video games...

An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.

I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”

[OC] My nickname is Subway.

I advertise 6 inches but you get a bit less.

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist [OC]

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a man meets his fiancée's father (not OC but my father's favourite joke)

A man is invited to meet his fiancée’s father for the very first time and is understandably nervous.
Unfortunately, he is also a little gassy from some food the night before.
He is sitting in the living room, right next to the dog and directly across from his future father-in-law, when sudde...

[OC] What animal never tells the truth?

A lion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] Three married women are discussing blowjobs.

"My husband always asks for them," the first woman complains, "but I can't stand the taste."

"Make him swallow whole chunks of pineapple," suggests the second woman. "It will change the flavor of his semen."

The third woman perks up at this. "Wait, the taste changes depending on what m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] What do you get if you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) A Hippie walks by a businessman...

A Hippie is walking by and sees a businessman looking over some construction that had been started on a plot of land. The Hippie is alarmed and exclaims "What are you doing?!"

The businessman responds by saying that this piece of land was bought by his company. The land was good and the found...

Lightbulb Jokes (OC)

There is a large number of lightbulbs jokes that go, "How many X does it take to screw in a lightbulb?", with X ranging from blondes to bolsheviks. But why is it that the answer never equals one? Grandma knew why: Many hands make light work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Who in Middle Earth (OC AFAIK)

The drummer from The Who exposed his buttocks while visiting Middle Earth, causing Treebeard to catcall.

Basically, Keith's moon caused an ent whistle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

[OC] What pronouns are widely embraced by the folks in Texas?

Heeee / haaaa

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

[OC] Everyone talks about being an "Alpha Male"...

I definitely consider myself a Beta male, lots of fun features, but I don't always work correctly...

The Factory (OC)

"Jenkins!" the boss screamed. "I need you to go to China. The factory reports that they are turning out product as fast as they possibly can, but that just can't be right. I need you to go see what's going on."

So on Tuesday, Jenkins flew to Shanghai and drove to the factory, where he persona...

(OC) A horse walks into a bar...

So a horse walks into a bar. He sits down and notices that the bartender is a very large lion who's having trouble picking up his comparatively tiny liquor bottles because he doesn't have fingers.

The lion bartender says "Hi," then stares at the horse for an entire minute.

The lion bar...

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

[OC] What do you call an emotional most-visited french monument in the world

iFeel tower

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Joke Walks into a Bar. [OC]

A Joke walks into a bar and the Bartender says "Wait... this isn't right."

The Joke says "Listen, quickly! I have little time to explain! You and I are but characters living in a hypothetical reality, being puppeteered by some inconceivable monster telling a joke! It's not even a good joke ei...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the true story of Cinderella (oc)

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her mom said she had work to do.

So she finished all her chores and asked "please, please, let me go to the ball!"

But mom said no, she had nothing to wear.

"Oh, i sewwed this dress out of old scraps. Isn't it beautiful?" Cinderella ple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] What colour is a dick after getting a blowjob?

Blew

[OC] Some call me the cheetah…

And some call me the lion…

But my ex-wife calls me a lion cheetah!

Note: I just thought of this, so as far as I can tell it is original.

[OC] i just realized Dwayne Johnson was living above my appartment.

i was living under The Rock for a very long time.

[OC] Hey girl, are you a keyboard?

Because you're something I might just smash out of frustration.

[OC] Why did the IT guy abandon the horse cart and switch to a bicycle?

Because he couldn't handle the "buggy" rides anymore!

[OC]When my wife’s podiatrist left a message saying he wanted to speak with her about something,

I knew something had to be a foot.

how did the doctor cure the invisible man? [OC]

by taking him to the I C U

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a plate of bamboo

When he’s finished with his meal, he hops up onto the table, pulls out two Glock 45s and unloads both magazines, blasting everything in sight.

When the guns are empty, he throws them down and starts walking towards the door. The bartender looks up from behind the bar and yells, “Hey! What th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Russia is the second most powerful military nation

... in Ukraine.




(Just thought about it, sorry if it's not OC)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) why did the pornstar go to the therapist

To get a load off her chest

[OC]What do death eaters eat for dessert ?

Cornelius Fudge

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

OC I came up with last week

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] I just made this joke up - be gentle

A small breasted woman was walking along the sidewalk in New York City on her lunch break, going to get something to eat. As she passed by a nearby constuction crew, they started cat-calling her.

Normally, she would just ignore them, but one guy in particular kept making fun of the fact that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

[OC] Did you hear about that new Anatomically Correct Elmo doll they're working on?

Before they sell it to the kids, they're gonna give it two test tickles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a shitty job and a dirty job? (OC)

A shitty job has a micro-manager and a dirty job has Mike Rowe as the manager.

^(I'll see myself out.)

[OC] In my day we used to use subliminal advertising to sell candy.

And, buy gum, it worked!

Why is Reddit named Reddit? [OC]

Because all the posts are reposts and you've already read it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] These con artists tried to sell me a glass dildo.

Fortunately, I could see through the hole-fucking thing.

[OC] Why do French teeth break more readily than English teeth?

Because they‘re *les dents*

[OC] Whats a mountain goats favourite name?

Cliff

(OC) What did Tua Tagovailoa have for supper Thursday night?

Little Seizures.

In all seriousness I hope the guys ok

[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

Two postmodernist academics stumble across an antique oil lamp.

(OC)

One of them sees a little grime and rubs it off. Suddenly, a glorious genie springs forth from the lamp.

“I am the great genie of the lamp! Since I see you are insufferable postmodernist academics, I will grant you each one META-wish.”

The first academic ponders for a mome...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[oc] Tarzan wants to propose to Jane

So he looks for other couples to understand how to do it.

He sees a man bend down on one knee, pulls out a ring and asks "Will you marry me?"

Tarzan thinks it’s a bit odd, but he goes to Jane, gets down on one knee, pulls out a ring and says "Jane you Tarzan me"

[OC] What do you call a moron who’s actually quite smart?

An oxymoron.

[OC] Why did the pirate say he had cute kitten bandaids?

“To treat me owies…”

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

OC Dad joke

Farmers say that when all the cows are standing up in the field, it’s going to be rainy weather.

When all of the cows are sitting down, it’s going to be sunny weather.

What is the weather going to be if half the cows are standing and half are sitting?

Partly Cowdy.

<...

OC: How did the pirate announce he'd banned Kanye from the treasure hunt?

“There be no gold for Ye here.“

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] A gorgeous bartender puts up a sign that says “Men: ask me about your beards”

The first day a man walks up to the bar, orders his drink, then inquires about the sign. “What did you wanna know about my beard?”, the man with a long fluffy beard asks.

“Well darlin, I’m lookin’ for a special kind of man”, the bartender says. “The kind that can tickle the inside of my thig...

[OC] from my 5 year old foster kid tonight: Why did the Chicken cross the road?

To get to the oven slide.

(OC) What do you call a doctor that works with Colons?

An English professor.

Why doesn't Superman need a boss? (OC)

He already has supervision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is this OC? I thought of it in the shower. Help with making it better would be appreciated.

A farmer is eating dinner with his lovely daughter. The local merchants son, known for being honest and trustworthy, walks in and says "sir I'd like to lay with your daughter." The farmer in a rage asks "Why the hell would I let you do that?" To which the merchants son reply's "I was just diagnos...

Why don't drag queens drown? (OC)

Because they're flamboyant.

(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes?

Because God took one look at them and said, "You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot."

(OC) A Killer Dies, And Meets His Victim In The Afterlife...

The killer stares awkwardly at the victim, the victim stares back. Unsure what to do, the killer finally says, "Well... This feels pretty tense."

The victim replies, "Oh, we're past tense."

[OC] What do you call an Orc on a bike?

A Mordorcyclist

OC (I hope) Did you hear about the guy who died chewing tobacco?

He had diphtheria.

[OC] I'm gonna name my daughter Vaccine...

That way she will have to explain to her nieces and nephews why she is Auntie Vax.

What do you call a tattoo’d rat? [OC]

Tattatouille

(My first post here, hope I did okay)

Dyslexics Beware! (OC)

Tomorrow is Friday the 31st!

(OC) one I thought up this morning

What did the vegetarian lion say before going hunting?

"Lettuce prey"

A handsome duck walks into a bar [OC I hope]

The bartender takes one look at the duck and says “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”

The duck asks “Why not?”

“Because you have an outstanding bill.”

A Limerick (OC)

A man was once offended

By a pun writing contest he entered

He submitted ten

Sure that one would win

But alas no pun in ten did

OC from my 10 yr old son: Why do women like roses?

Because they are pretty and hurt you.

OC - What's the binge show of choice for chubby pre-med cows

Graze Anatomy

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

For Sale. [OC]

I have a pair of 2020 Vision glasses for sale.

Only worn for the first 3 months of this year.

All the rest is just a blur.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] What do you call an audiophile who is into furry porn and BDSM?

A subwoofer

OC - I saw a line of delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.

Someone bumped into one of them and it topples over, and knocks down the next one, which knocks down the next one, and the next one.

It was the Domino's effect.

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

(OC) I always wanted to be a ghost for Halloween

Mom thought it was a good idea because when I was up to something she could see right through me, but Dad said I was too dense.

OC Joke: How do chefs flirt with each other?

Hot behind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] Inspector Gadget is sitting in his therapist's office, ranting...

“no, I actually love to be the center of attention, I love being able to say ‘go gadget rocket shoes’ and catch up to a car on foot, the super powers are great. It’s the tedium of life as a cybernetic man outside the spotlight that get to me. I’ve got four separate bowel systems to maintain and ever...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) A Russian sailor was constipated.

He said to the cook, “I like the cooking but I can’t use the washroom.” The cook said to the sailor “oh you don’t know the rope trick? All the sailors do it.” The sailor asked about the trick and the cook replied “just tie up the string and swallow it and you’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

The next...

got a job at the bakery [oc]

cause I knead the dough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couples coffee (OC WIP)

A priest, a marriage counselor, and a notorious playboy are all at of a romantic breakfast for couples event when the announcer gets on stage and pulls back a curtain to reveal a coffee-making robot with hundreds of robotic arms. He announces that this robot automatically makes coffee for both the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.


She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks t...

[oc] Why do you never invite a DJ to fishing

They always drop the bass

Possible OC??

What's the difference between a demolition derby and some drunks on a bus?


One's a bar-crawl. The other's a car-brawl.

What's the difference between a surgeon and a comedian?

A comedian has a successful day if his jokes kill, and he leaves everyone in stitches.

A surgeon can afford to move out of his parents' house.

(OC)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, “Look at that ass tho.”

After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Einstein's Catholic Friend (OC)

Einstein's Catholic friend was constantly pestering Einstein to attend church services with him.

"Albert, why can't you come this Sunday? You wouldn't want to miss mass."

Finally, Einstein agrees to attend service with his friend.

After the service, his friend asked what Einstei...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] I came up with it on the toilet

My personal trainer told me eat healthy like he does. I eat healthy, but not like him. He eats super clean and that is hard for me. I asked him what would be the benefit for me? He said he eats so clean he doesn’t even have to poop anymore.

I think he’s full of crap.

[OC] Life is like a game of Tetris...

When you fit in, you disappear

OC: A girl named darling

A girl named Darling had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name.

Darling always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, after she had grown up and was married, she realized that the teasing actually made her stronger, and that having a unique name was actual...

[OC] Why isn't it special when your stormtrooper boyfriend says he misses you?

He misses everyone.

How do you get mice out of the church? (semi-OC!)

A priest, minister, and Soviet are discussing the subject of vermin.

Priest: "I have tried everything to keep the mice out of the church. I've tried traps, poison, cursing them to Hell, everything!"

Minister: "I baptized them and made them members of the church. Now I only see them o...

What sound does a witch's vehicle make? [OC]

Brrrrroooom brrrrroooom!

(OC) An Irishman

goes to the pub every evening to drink a few pints with his mates. One day he sits down and orders four glasses of champagne for everyone.

Barney wonders why so he asks, “Paddy, why the champagne? What are we celebratin’?”

“Nothing,” answers Paddy, “‘tis not a celebration, ‘‘tis med...

Did you hear Mike Tyson got a concussion? [OC]

Doctors say it was blunt fourth trauma.

In before the comments: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Also, May the 4th be with you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Blind Monk [OC]

In a monastery in Tibet I met a blind old monk.
I was looking for spiritual enlightenment, and he was willing to help me on my search.

He introduced himself as Yu and spoke only in third person.
We would sit together for long stretches saying nothing, before he would tell me stories fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex took the plunger when she left. (OC)

I found out at the shittiest time.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.