George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

My wife got a new job at a vet clinic, and almost killed a dog her first day. (Oc)

But she’s getting better at euthanasia.

[OC] What do you call an Orc on a bike?

A Mordorcyclist

[OC] Why isn't it special when your stormtrooper boyfriend says he misses you?

He misses everyone.

[OC] A crossdresser walks into a pub and takes a seat at the bar..

The man sitting next to him says "You can't sit there."
"Oh yeah," replies the crossdresser, "What are you, the *bar police*?"
"No," he says, "I'm the transit authority."

OC Joke: How do chefs flirt with each other?

Hot behind

(OC) I always wanted to be a ghost for Halloween

Mom thought it was a good idea because when I was up to something she could see right through me, but Dad said I was too dense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] These con artists tried to sell me a glass dildo.

Fortunately, I could see through the hole-fucking thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man discovers he has been in a cult for the last year. OC

“How did you not know?” Asks his friend

“Well when everything happens bit by bit it all makes sense, the drugs, the robberies, the shrines.” He replies

“But what about the murder?” Asks the friend

“Well we were so high on acid that it just made sense, he was the King in Yellow t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park.

The punk has a mohawk 14 inches high with all sorts of different colors. The punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair.

After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says: "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything crazy before?"
<...

What do a new business and an explorative couple have in common? [OC]

They are both accepting all positions.

(OC) How do you greet a Greek Muslim?

“As salaam malaka”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

\[Not OC, but when I tried to give credit to the originator, whose name you'd never repeat in church, It got pulled immediately\]

(Not OC) A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...

He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."

The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.

The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so so...

What do roundworms and a toad with no iron have in common?

They're both anemotodes.




Not technically OC, my mom came up with it

[oc] Why do you never invite a DJ to fishing

They always drop the bass

[OC] Three British people were arguing about who drinks the hottest tea.

The first person says: "The moment my tea is ready, I pour it into the cup and drink it all up".
The second person laughs and says: "That's it? I drink my tea straight from the Kettle".
The third person scoffs and says: "You both are amatuers. I just put all the ingredients in my mouth and...

What do you call a tattoo’d rat? [OC]

Tattatouille

(My first post here, hope I did okay)

Why don't drag queens drown? (OC)

Because they're flamboyant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

[OC] I'm gonna name my daughter Vaccine...

That way she will have to explain to her nieces and nephews why she is Auntie Vax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] I came up with it on the toilet

My personal trainer told me eat healthy like he does. I eat healthy, but not like him. He eats super clean and that is hard for me. I asked him what would be the benefit for me? He said he eats so clean he doesn’t even have to poop anymore.

I think he’s full of crap.

Why is Reddit named Reddit? [OC]

Because all the posts are reposts and you've already read it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] An airline captain is holding interviews for a new copilot after the former one retired

He holds a series of back to back interviews, each one going seemingly better than the last. On the last scheduled interview for the day, a man walks in holding a human turd. He places the turd in the chair facing the captain. Seeing the captain's confused look, the man explains that the turd will b...

[OC] Justin Bieber wanted to go on vacation and not be recognised by anyone, so he totally changed his look. He even legally changed his name:

Justin Case.

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?

Tootin' car man. (My friend swears she made up this joke so I'm pretty sure this is actual OC)

OC Dad joke

Farmers say that when all the cows are standing up in the field, it’s going to be rainy weather.

When all of the cows are sitting down, it’s going to be sunny weather.

What is the weather going to be if half the cows are standing and half are sitting?

Partly Cowdy.

<...

[OC] How did the old man get inside without knocking on the door?

The boomer-rang

[OC] What do you call it if I wash a classic Chevy and make a TV show about it?

The Fresh Rinse of Bel Air.

[OC] Why are hairdressers suicidal

They just want to dye.

(My first oc please don’t hurt me)

Did you hear Mike Tyson got a concussion? [OC]

Doctors say it was blunt fourth trauma.

In before the comments: How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

Also, May the 4th be with you.

got a job at the bakery [oc]

cause I knead the dough

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

A husband and wife are driving down the highway after getting the car repaired. The husband says, “The ride sure is quiet since we installed the new muffler, isn’t it honey?”

“Mmmfff mmf MMMFFF!”

[OC]

A very fit and healthy president died unexpectedly

This was a shock to the country

Nobody had imagined anything like this would happen

He situation was indeed *unprecedented*

(I guess this is OC, thought of it in the shower)

How do you turn the NICEST thing into a terrible thing?

Switch the n with the i.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex took the plunger when she left. (OC)

I found out at the shittiest time.

[OC] Which road is most favourite of reddit mods ?







The Autobahn .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) A Russian sailor was constipated.

He said to the cook, “I like the cooking but I can’t use the washroom.” The cook said to the sailor “oh you don’t know the rope trick? All the sailors do it.” The sailor asked about the trick and the cook replied “just tie up the string and swallow it and you’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

The next...

[OC] Hey girl, are you a keyboard?

Because you're something I might just smash out of frustration.

OC I came up with last week

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tum...

I’m looking for a sign language practice partner…

Could somebody lend me a hand?

OC by myself.

[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?

She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.

[OC] Horoscope Compatibility

As per your zodiac sign, the zodiac sign you are likely to be compatible with, is as follows :

Aries - Cancer

Taurus - Cancer

Gemini - Cancer

Cancer - Cancer

Leo - Cancer

Virgo - Cancer

Libra - Cancer

Scorpio - Cancer

Sagittarius - Cance...

OC: Why did I get kicked off the Hogwarts track team?

The hurry and run hurt my knee.

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

A 4’6” woman walks into a matchmaking service…

A 4’6” (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.

She says to the man behind the counter, “I’m really insecure about my height, so the only thing I’m looking for in a partner is that he’s shorter than me.”

The man replies, “You’ve got really low standards.”

.

[OC, ...

[OC] What did the first bee to try a flower think of it?

It was beyond bee leaf.

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

[OC,not a repost] What do you call a Chinese farmer working far away in a field ?

Far"ming"

What Do Drunk Drivers And Pokémon Go Have In Common (OC)

Frequent crashes

What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? [oc]

A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

[OC] A man wakes up one morning not feeling well.

He decides to go and see the doctor because he has some symptoms he’s heard are related to the virus all over the news. On the way to his appointment, his car breaks down and he has to walk the rest of the way. He’s exhausted by the time he finally arrives at the Doctor’s office, 15 minutes late....

Have you ever noticed the tags that you can use when posting on r/Jokes?

For some reason, people can't use the OC tag in their posts.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide! My 5 year old told me this. I'm sure it isn't OC, but I got a chuckle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.

I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night.

I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”

(OC) Arthur C Clarke was watching Star Wars with his family when he began ranting and raving.

“What is this film?” He snarled. “All they do is lay lands, tap them to produce mana and use that mana to summon creatures and cast devastating spells. I was expecting a space romp.”

“Arthur, come now,” his wife said, “that’s not what this film is about at all!”

“Ignorant woman,” he re...

My 8 year old son's [OC] - "How do cannibals make popcorn?"

They just feed their dinner a bunch of popcorn kernels before cooking them.

For Sale. [OC]

I have a pair of 2020 Vision glasses for sale.

Only worn for the first 3 months of this year.

All the rest is just a blur.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

(OC) Why don't giraffes have stripes?

Because God took one look at them and said, "You know, that thing's so tall, it'll be easy to spot."

[LONG][OC] An American tourist visits Russia and finds ...

An American tourist visits Russia and finds out there are way way more firearm stores than in Texas where he's from.

At every store, there is a firearms dealer license prominently featuring the proprietor's photo, their name and license number. He's very surprised that many of the proprietor...

[OC] I just spent my morning break writing this joke.

Jeff had spent most of his adult life in prison for a string of drug offenses and theft. He is finally being released at 28 years old after a decade in prison.

He approaches his jailhouse lover, Vince, a former English teacher and schoolboy fondler. Vince was a little sad to say goodbye, and...

(OC) guy at work doesn’t like tomatoes, so I asked him,

What’s it like, to-hate-o to-mah-to?

(OC cuz I thought of it myself but I’ll admit I’m sure someone somewhere has said this before)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The adventures of Bob and Frank... (real horrible OC)

Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing o...

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

How do you know if a Vegan joke is a re-post?

[OC]

It's been on "Here Bivore."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

EAT! [OC]

One day ,a guy comes from work,his wife offers him something to eat.Buy the guy rejects her offer kindly, because he ate the same thing for lunch.The wife starts reacting like crazy and yells “GET THE FUCK OUT, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN”.After the guy leaves,he goes to his friend and starts expl...

‌‌I w‌‌a‌‌s i‌‌‌‌n V‌‌enic‌‌e B‌‌eac‌‌h i‌‌‌‌n J‌‌anuar‌‌y a‌‌n‌‌d t‌‌her‌‌e w‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌omeles‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n w‌‌it‌‌h a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌ig‌‌n t‌‌ha‌‌t s‌‌ai‌‌d "‌‌‌‌1 d‌‌olla‌‌r f‌‌o‌‌r d‌‌irt‌‌y j‌‌oke."

Seeme‌‌d l‌‌ik‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ g‌‌oo‌‌d i‌‌nvestmen‌‌t t‌‌‌‌o m‌‌‌‌e s‌‌‌‌o I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ladl‌‌y h‌‌ande‌‌d o‌‌ve‌‌r a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ollar.

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Alrigh‌‌t s‌‌i‌‌r w‌‌hat‌‌s y‌‌ou‌‌r n‌‌ame?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌Bobby"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌S‌‌o Bobby, t‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌lac‌‌k r‌‌ooste‌‌...

My mate has invented an invisible vehicle (OC)

I asked him 'What, like a car?'

'Not really' he replied 'It's more van-ish than that'

What sound does a witch's vehicle make? [OC]

Brrrrroooom brrrrroooom!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couples coffee (OC WIP)

A priest, a marriage counselor, and a notorious playboy are all at of a romantic breakfast for couples event when the announcer gets on stage and pulls back a curtain to reveal a coffee-making robot with hundreds of robotic arms. He announces that this robot automatically makes coffee for both the p...

Well, No Sale Today. (Co-worker says it's OC, I doubt)

Many animals are waiting in line in front of a store in the forest: bears, foxes, wolves, hedgehogs etc. A rabbit pushes through the queue. He pushes the other animals with his elbows, and jumps to the beginning of the queue. At this point, a bear catches him and says, "You, bunny, no cheating! To t...

[OC] What's the difference between Grade A and Grade B beef?

One studied harder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why aren't pregnant women lonely in Japan?

Because they get to hang out with all the edemames.


You want OC? That's fresh off the dome

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets pulled over for swerving

Officer says, "sir do you know why I pulled you over?"

*"I have no clue". The man replied.*

"Have you been drinking, sir?"

*"Not any alcoholic drinks, officer".*

"Then what is that in your cup holder?"

"*that's a half-drank Smirnoff Ice.*"

"I thought you sai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A criminal organization is planning an art heist (OC)

The boss says: "Tuesday's the day we steal the painting. There are two possibilities for how it's going to go down, and we won't know which plan we'll need to use until the day of the heist. I'll be wearing one of these two hats..."

He shows everyone two hats, one red and one yellow-green....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Einstein's Catholic Friend (OC)

Einstein's Catholic friend was constantly pestering Einstein to attend church services with him.

"Albert, why can't you come this Sunday? You wouldn't want to miss mass."

Finally, Einstein agrees to attend service with his friend.

After the service, his friend asked what Einstei...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, “Look at that ass tho.”

After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved ...

OC joke: How to differentiate if a person is a genetics expert or a BDSM enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'dominant'

Dyslexics Beware! (OC)

Tomorrow is Friday the 31st!

[OC] What do you call a medieval jouster recently released from prison?

>!A Free lancer!<

[OC] What did the farmer say after getting a headache from people stealing his wheat

Migraines!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) A Hippie walks by a businessman...

A Hippie is walking by and sees a businessman looking over some construction that had been started on a plot of land. The Hippie is alarmed and exclaims "What are you doing?!"

The businessman responds by saying that this piece of land was bought by his company. The land was good and the found...

Why did Mick, the French baker, have to self-isolate? [Genuine OC, I promise]

...Because he told everyone he had the pain de Mick at his boulangerie

A drummer got a tattoo of their drum kit... [OC]

...it was very cymbalic

[OC] Why cant milk cartons walk?

Because they lactose.

[OC] How did the Mexican doctor double a patient's medicine?

He gave him a dosage

One for the classical music fans [OC]

For those who aren't, Herbert von Karajan was an acclaimed symphony conductor in the 20th century. You need to know that his name is pronounced approximately "KAHRY-on."

Not many people know it, but the maestro actually had a second career outside of music, he was a successful luggage designe...

[OC] How do you get a chicken egg to hatch?

The hen plans the "egg-sit" strategy

(not OC) I truly believe that Allah is the one true God.

The universe started with an explosion, didn't it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) Mother's day is a mother loving holiday.

But Father's day is a mother-fucking holiday.

[OC] My kids seem to magically only get sick on school days...and quite a lot of them.

It's like they've got weekend immune systems.

[OC] Did you hear about the serial killer going around killing good-looking people?

It's good to know we're safe.

[OC] You millennials are always complaining that we ran up trillions of dollars of debt for you. Why can't you just pull yourselves up by your bootstraps?

After all, we pulled ourselves up by your bootstraps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] Why did i laugh at the blind girl that jerked me off?

She couldent see it coming

The little man in the hat. (OC)

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.

This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the tim...

I witnessed a suicide. [OC]

I was hiking up a fairly large hill, could be considered a small mountain, that had a steep cliff near the top. I saw a man standing there with a noose tied around his neck, the other end was tied to the cliff.

I told him that he shouldn't do it, theres more to life than this. He started clim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) A teenage girl came across an old man sitting next to his radio, tapping his cane in time to a Lil Wayne song.

"Holy crap! I didn't know you'd like rap music?!"
"I didn't, either," the old man replied. "It all started after my hip op".

There was once a man named Chondria [OC]

There was once a man named Chondria in prison. Even though he was in prison, he was actually a very kind and generous man who had an accident due to his enormous strength. Because of this, he always helped his fellow inmates finish their various chores faster and better. One day, one inmate said to ...

Here is an OC joke for you

3 boys are at a pool talking about their dads
The first one says:"my dad can hold his breath under water for 50 seconds, bet your dad's can't beat that"

The second kid says"piff, your dad is nothing compared to mine, he can hold his breath for 2 minutes"

The third kid laughs at the ...

Justin and I are taking a course on hosting the news [OC]

"You know, Justin and I are taking a course on hosting the news"

"you don't say! Wait, which Justin?"

"*This* Justin!

(OC: I thought on that while commenting on another Justin pun, but wouldn't be surprised if I'm not the first one to think of that)

[OC] Life is like a game of Tetris...

When you fit in, you disappear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a confession booth

Man: “I need to tell you something father, I slept with a gorgeous blonde last night. We are not married.”

- The priest can tell the man is holding back.

Priest: “is there anything else you would like to confess my son?”

Man: Ok father, I can’t hide it, I slept with two beautifu...

[oc] Why was the devil exercising so hard?

He wanted to get a 666 pack.

(OC) An American chemist, a German chemist, and a French chemist are hanging out on a beach.

“Americium is the best element” brags the American chemist, “it’s used in smoke detectors and saves lives.”

“No way, germanium is way more awesome.” counters the German chemist, “without it, most electronic devices wouldn’t ever work.”

“Watch this, amateurs!” Says the French chemist, h...

A Limerick (OC)

A man was once offended

By a pun writing contest he entered

He submitted ten

Sure that one would win

But alas no pun in ten did

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is OC just made it up 2 minutes ago

So a teacher starts class by talking about responsibility, and says, “As you know, we’re all human, and we all make mistakes, but...” and just then, Johnny raised his hand, and the teacher called on him.

“Actually, I’ve never made a mistake.”

“There’s no way on earth Johnny, everyone ...

[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

[OC] Why do they call it the liver?

Because without it you'd die!

How do you get mice out of the church? (semi-OC!)

A priest, minister, and Soviet are discussing the subject of vermin.

Priest: "I have tried everything to keep the mice out of the church. I've tried traps, poison, cursing them to Hell, everything!"

Minister: "I baptized them and made them members of the church. Now I only see them o...

[OC] A farmer was wandering around the ranch

He stopped at regular intervals along his wire fence, mumbling to himself.

"Hey Howard, what's up?" His neighbor cruised by on a pickup truck.

"Bill, there's something wrong with my fence." He points to the vertical piece of wood which held up the wire.

"This is exactly identi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Blind Monk [OC]

In a monastery in Tibet I met a blind old monk.
I was looking for spiritual enlightenment, and he was willing to help me on my search.

He introduced himself as Yu and spoke only in third person.
We would sit together for long stretches saying nothing, before he would tell me stories fro...

Posting OC before bed is like waiting for the tooth fairy

You're always disappointed when you wake up

[OC] My mother has been tracking this mosquito for a while...

When it finally landed, she smacked it and exclaimed, “HA!


GOTCHA YOU MOTHERSUCKER!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] A sketchy looking guy asks a stripper if she'll join him on a spiritual quest in the Las Vegas desert.

She knows she would be dumb to accept the invitation, but she asks her manager for advice first just in case. His response is simple:


"There are no stupid quest shuns; only stupid dancers."

What dessert always comes back to you when you throw it away? [OC AFAIK]

A Blue Meringue

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