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Newspaper Headline Jokes

Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said…

STOLLEN STOLEN!!

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The Preacher and the Donkey

A preacher wanted to raise money for the local church and, upon hearing that there was a fortune to be found in horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter himself. Unfortunately, the going price for a horse at the local auction house was too high so he ended up getting a donkey instead. He d...

Spiders are making newspaper headlines.

Well, the ones in my house are.

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub...

The Scotsman shouts out "drinks for everyone in the house, all night, on me! Drink your hearts out boys!" The pub erupts with cheers and everyone has a great drunken night.

The next morning, the front page of the newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind loca...

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The Royal Newspaper

The King and Queen decided to get pets, so the King issued a decree: "Handsome reward for finest Royal pets."

The Queen immediately falls in love with a white, long haired kitten, bred in a faraway land. After payment, the kitten disappears and the distraught Queen sends the entire staff to l...

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An Irishman, a Scotsman, and a Jew are all drinking together.

The Irishman says "Well, I bought the first bottle. Who'll be getting the next?" Without hesitation the Scotsman says, "It's no problem. I'll pay for it."

The next day the newspaper headline read "Ventriloquist Jew Beaten to Death!"

Woman driving down the freeway topless, causes a multi-car pile-up.

Tomorrow's newspaper headline;

Bears 2, Rams 7

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next mornings newspaper headline reads, "Worlds Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

Someone stole the enclosure that was built to hold the animals in the ark.

Newspaper headline: “Noah fence taken.”

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“Grizzly found causing mayhem at a BBQ”

First, he mauled dad in the back garden. Then he cooked up some burgers, urinated in the punch and downed the lot of it.


The newspaper headline read: “Bear grills, drinks his own piss”

Metal detectors are valuable archeological tools.

A Brit with a metal detector dug up a chunk of land along the Thames and found a few stray pieces of jewelry and copper cables buried 10 feet deep. The newspaper headlines read "Excavation proves telephony in Britain was widespread 100 years ago."

Not to be outdone, an Irishman dug up a secti...

Eight mexicans drowned in the lake over the weekend.

The newspaper headline was "Ocho Sinko"

Psychics

A young psychic dwarf escapes from prison.
The newspaper headline the next day:
"Small Medium at Large".

A Married Woman is Unhappy

A woman named Mel was married to a man named Ralph. Ralph was very rich, but Mel was unhappy in the marriage and wanted to leave him, but still wanted his money.

She started to have an affair with a man named Arty.

Mel: "Arty, you'd do anything for me, right?"
Arty: "Sure, within re...

Irish bank robbery

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers c...

There was this homeless man named Arty

There was this homeless man named Arty, always down on his luck, would do anything for a dollar.



One day a rich man came up to Arty and said he needed his business partner killed and would pay Arty a dollar for the trouble. He informed Arty that this business partner always shopped at...

The Murder at Walmart

There was a married man who was coming to poor terms with his wife and he decided a divorce was too troublesome so he was going to have to kill her. He also decided to get a large life insurance plan that would give him $500,000 after she was killed. However he didn’t want to do it himself, so he as...

A man named Arthur gets in deep with the mob....

So this guy, Arthur, is in some serious debt. He's tried everything he can think of to make some money but can't seem to break even. Out of ideas, he makes contact with the local mob boss, Big Sal and says he'll do Sal's dirty work for some cash. The mob boss agrees and says he needs three rival mob...

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

Hitman

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefa...

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