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An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis.

"What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"

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A guy dines alone…

A guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward...

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A woman is getting her home remodeled.

On the final day, she meets the designer on her front porch. He says, "Bonjour madam, are you ready to see your new home?"

They enter the house, and into the living room. It's stunning, but she's distracted by the coffee table.

"Everything is perfect," she says, "except for the c...

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Make sure the intercom is switched off!

The plane lands and the pilot gives his usual speech, but he forgets to switch off the intercom.

The co-pilot asks the pilot what he has planned for the evening.

The pilot replies, “first I am going to shit, then I am gonna bang the shit out of the new stewardess”

The stewarde...

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Man goes to a doctor and sees the patient is looking very embarrassed.

The doctor says, "So why did you come to see me today?" The patient says, "Well, I have a problem, but it's kind of humiliating. Please promise you won't laugh!" The doctor assures the patient that he won't laugh. "I'm a professional and have seen a lot throughout my years."

The patient r...

Jhingalala

Two explorers in a jungle were caught by fierce tribe for encroaching their sacred land. The first guy was brought before the high council and given an option jhingalala or death. He chose the first option. All the men of the tribe took turns screwing him till he lay crumpled at the end of the ordea...

I went to my son’s parent teacher conference today

An unkept older man walked out and yelled to me I can go in after the trans.

I was mortified. I started saying in this day and age anyone can be whoever they want. It’s disgusting people like you who make this world a horrible place.

That’s when I saw the Vietnamese family walk out. ...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his father...

Meeting the Parents.

Mortified doesn't describe how Jane's parents felt after meeting her boyfriend. He sported vile tattoos, swore and just had a hostile air about him.

After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person."

"Mom," Jane said, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be do...

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A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the ...

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A woman is going through labor on April 1st

Her husband is driving her to the hospital and when they get to their room, he tells the doctor that he can’t watch up close but he asks if he can stand and watch outside the window. The doctor agrees.

As the baby comes out, the husband gets excited as he sees his new child. The doctor grabs ...

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A Woman goes to a tattoo Artist

“On my right inner thigh, I want a tattoo of John Lennon,”she says. “On my left inner thigh I want a tattoo of Paul McCartney.” The tattoo artist agrees to it and they settle on a price and a day to do the piece.

The day finally comes and the woman arrives early. Although she’s super excit...

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

Buckin' Bronco

Late one evening a mother and father were feeling frisky and started to go at it. They didn't hear little Johnny sneak into the room. The father was on top, and little Johnny hopped on his back, and yelled giddy up horsey. Immediately the father froze, absolutely mortified when he realized what was ...

A classic by my grandpa.

It was funnier because he spoke broken English and cracked himself up every time.

Two Czechoslovakian friends were visiting the zoo. One leaned over the edge of the polar bear pit and fell in. He was quickly gobbled up. The zoo keeper came over mortified and asked the crowd what happened. On...

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

NSFW a young man is in his room

Discovering himself, pulling his pud, jacking off, choking his chook or whatever. His dad busts in unannounced and mortified yells”SON DON’T DO THAT YOU’LL GO BLIND!” To which the son replies “.....um dad, I’m over here.”

A Man Runs Over a Woman's Cat

Mortified. He picks up the cats body and knocks on the woman's door.

Seeing the cat, she bursts into tears.

"I'm sorry." Said the man, "I didn't see him until it was too late."

Feeling bad for the distraught woman shedding tears, he tries to make it right.

"I'd like to re...

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Little Johnny and his dad.

One night little Johnny wakes up to hear some banging on his bedroom wall and his mom sounding like she was in pain. He jumps out of bed and runs to his parents room, opens the door to find his dad on top of his mom giving her a good seeing too.
Little Johnny is horrified and shouts at his dad,<...

A man is being interviewed for a job (Long)

-What do you drive right now sir?

-An old food truck

-Well, if you are hired here you'll be driving a brand new BMW; Now, where do you live?

-In an old house in a dangerouse part of the city

-Well, if you are hired here, you would be livin in a three story mansion in the ...

a guy thing..

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I
was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in
between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of course, I che...

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A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis...

that he could never work up the courage to have sex.
Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse....

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know if they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a litt...

Three people die and go to Heaven.

When they arrive, Saint Peter tells them, "We have one rule here. It's fairly simple: don't step on the ducks."

The three guys enter Heaven, and the first thing they see is that Heaven is *OVERFLOWING* with ducks. It is literally impossible to not step on a duck. Despite this, they try their ...

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A man visits a female doctor

He is feeling very awkward about it and she notices. She is quick to assure him she is a professional and there is nothing to be ashamed.

“You don’t understand doctor. I’m so ashamed of my body, and the problem is... er... in my lower parts. If you were to laugh, I would die of shame.”
...

A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of...

THE EPSTEIN FART

Dr. Epstein, a world- renowned physician, was invited back to his hometown to give a public lecture. On the evening of the talk, the auditorium was packed with friends, acquaintances, and people who were proud of their native son. He walked onto the stage in the big auditorium and placed his papers ...

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Punctuation

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at the bowlegged man." Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, th...

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His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.

The whole week that she visited, she ...

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A guy who used to work for me said he and his wife could pick me up at my house so we could drive to an office party together.

About an hour before they were supposed to arrive I got a text from him.

*Love - what are you wearing? Would you like me to bring you a dress?*

I read it twice before realizing he obviously meant to send it to his wife and not to me.

He was mortified.

I would not have tea...

A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".

Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...

...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

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Freudian slips

Jeff and Bob were talking about Freudian slips

Jeff: Man I was trying to order two tickets to Pittsburgh from this big breasted woman and accidentally said "Two pickets to Tittsburgh!" I was mortified.

Bob: Oh, that's nothing. I tried to ask my wife Karen to pass the salt at dinner th...

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My parents walked in on me having sex

I was embarrassed, but my sister was mortified.

3 Secret Service agents are on their final day of training

They’re led into a darkened room. The commanding officer has them facing the opposite way of him. He walks up to the first potential agent from behind and speaks to his ear; loudly enough so all 3 can hear, but in a smooth, calculated tone, almost whispering:

“You’ve passed every test up to ...

The Horse, the Cow and the Pig.

There once was a barn with 3 best friends who happened to be a Horse, a Pig, and a Cow.

They are together listening to the radio through the window of the barn and the Horse hears am the guitar and he says “ hey I really love the guitar, you know what I’m gonna learn it”, so he goes off and l...

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Little Johnny overheard a couple of girls in school

The kids were whispering "Purple flowers, purple flowers," and giggling. Curious what this meant, Johnny asked his friend.

"Jimmy, what does purple flowers mean?" Johnny asked.

Little Jimmy looked at Johnny in horror and said "I'm not gonna be friends with someone who says stuff like t...

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

A priest goes golfing with his nuns....

A priest who typically goes golfing with his friends every Thursday afternoon gets a call saying his buddies won't be joining him one morning. Still wanting to go, he asks three of his nuns to go with him for company. They agree, somewhat hesitantly.

On the first tee, the priest's shot lands...

There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...

His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man’s sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;

What did you choose for the girl?

Denise...

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Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

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Man goes to buy a house

a man goes to buy a house, and he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like it is everything he coud want, big, cheap and great view. when they arrive to the bathroom th...

Johnny walked into his parents' bedroom...

He was surprised to see his parents were naked and his mom was bouncing on top of his dad. Mortified, his mom tells him to go to his room. After a few minutes of quick thinking she goes to Johnny to try to explain what he had witnessed.

"Johnny, your father's belly is so big that every on...

A Girl gets on the bus holding a baby...

...and the bus driver sees her and says

"What an ugly baby!" The girl is mortified.


She pays and sits in the back, crying. And old guy is there and asks her:

"What happened, dear?"


She answers:


"That damn bus driver was SO rude to me!"


And ...

Corny joke

So a local state corn production and manufacturing company had an open house complete with free samples of their in house sweets and confectionery made from their finest corn.

The reception was fantastic and everything was going great, until one of the over zealous freeloaders (you know the ...

It's only Ice cream!

A penguin decides he was sick of living in the antarctic and wants to go see the world.

So he decides he's going to drive through the Americas. Anyways he's been driving up from South America and he makes it to Arizona when he gets a flat tire.

He finds a garage to take his car to an...

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Arthritis

I've got an old friend, late 80s, who lost his wife about a year ago and can't take care of himself anymore. Anyway, we made the call to put him in a nursing home.

He was actually pretty excited about it. Thought maybe he'd meet a new girl since he hadn't had sex in over a year now. Anyway, w...

Drug store advice

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.


T...

A guy brings his pet duck with him to the movies.

The ticket seller tells him "You cant bring a duck in here, sir!"

The man, feeling dissapointed, walks away with his duck.

He thinks "Maybe I can sneak him in!"

So the guy takes his duck and stuffs him into his pants and returns to the ticket window to buy his ticket.

...

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle...

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Little Billy loved to visit at his uncle’s junkyard

Even though he ran a junkyard, uncle Stu was a very bright man who loved to teach and answer all of his beloved nephew Billy’s questions. Over one particular summer they restored a classic old car. Each step was a learning experience. When a part was rusted, uncle Stu would explain all about the pro...

Time of weakness

Rosy had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.
Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Robert, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
He picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.
Robert had also bee...

At the beach

(When I was growing up, my father used to tell this joke at every thanksgiving gathering of friends and family. I was mortified each time. Now it's one of those memories that makes me smile, regardless of the joke quality...)

Me and my buddy were out along the beach one weekend looking for c...

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I was on an airplane

and the Captain was doing his usual spiel, "We're cruising at so and so feet, over the Pacific Ocean, yada yada".

When he was finished, he turned to speak to his co-pilot, forgetting that he was still broadcasting to the entire plane, saying, "You know what I could use right now? A cup of cof...

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Freudian Slip

Two friends are at a bar talking about embarrassing situations they've had. The first friend says "Man, last week, I had a really bad Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my fiancée and her mother and our waitress at the restaurant was really curvy and attractive. While ordering I meant to ask...

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Two fleas in a bar

So, there's a flea bar in Florida, and every year there's two fleas that meet there to enjoy the summer together. Flea A is sitting in the bar, enjoying his drink, when Flea B walks through the door. And Flea B is fucking frozen. Iced up, shivering, shaking, and not looking so good.

Flea A...

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A man finds himself in pure darkness...

Attempting to search for a light source, he waves his arms around.

Feeling a button, he clicks it and a television screen activates. A creature in a strange mask appears.

The strange being then opens it mouth, saying,"I want to play a game."

The man, in horror, can merely stare ...

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The king of england had a beautiful wife..

The king of England had a beautiful wife who he loved, but the king was needed to command his armies in a far away land. The king knew that he would be gone for months and did not trust any of the men around not to have sex with his wife. The king ordered Tybalt to meet with him.

"Tybalt, you...

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My wife was wearing a short skirt as she stood at the top of a Christmas tree...

My wife was standing on a set of steps wearing a short skirt as she placed the star at the top of the Christmas tree.

I couldn't resist, I shoved my head up, slipped her pants to the side and gave her fanny a right good licking.


Everyone else in the ...

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The Tale of the Magic Dildo

A woman is married to a great man, and they are perfect for each other. They love each other dearly, have almost no marital issues, and their sex life is especially great. Well....when he's there. You see, this guy makes a lot of money, but has to travel a lot for work. So, naturally, they start to ...

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A mother cleaning her adolescent sons room finds a stash of hardcore German S&M porno mags...

Mortified, she puts them back so he won't know, but hides one in her apron to show her husband. Later that night they're in bed and she shows him the magazine... The father chuckles at first, assuming it was a Playboy, or Penthouse, but quickly becomes horrified at the images of whippings, and ball ...

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NSFW: Little Johnny's Grandma is visiting the family for the weekend...

After a nice dinner and chatting, everybody goes to bed; Johnny to his room, his parents to theirs, and Grandma to the guest bedroom.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny bursts into his parents' room exclaiming,
"Mom! Dad! Grandma's got a shrimp!!"

Bleary eyed, they both wake...

Lieutenant Dan has to deliver bad news.

One day, from the office of the General of the Army comes a letter for Lieutenant Dan bearing bad news. Private John's wife had passed away in a horrible car accident.

The General strongly suggested that breaking the news lightly to John would be course of action.
Lieutenant Dan, with hi...

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

"Doc,' he says, 'I really can't help it, but I've been having this problem with these silent farts for a long time now. In fact, the other day, the wife and I were having dinner with neighbors and qui...

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A man walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender for six shots of vodka. As soon as the bartender gives it to him, he downs them in four seconds flat.

"Rough day, huh?" Says the bartender.
"Yeah," coughs the man, "I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the man comes back in, asks for six mo...

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A boy is buying his first motorcycle

His mother is mortified that after saving up all through highschool he's going to risk his life and
buy a motorcycle in college. She asks him why he wants to ride and he replies "Because it's cool,
I'm an adult now, I want to feel free for once in my life"

His mum took that to heart. S...

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A little hedgehog and an ass

A little happy hedgehog walks through a sunny forest, carrying an apple on his spines. Birds sing, sky's blue, and the apple will be delicious, so the little hedgehog sings happily on his stroll.

But suddenly a cold wind rises. Sky darkens, veiled by black clouds. Rumble of thunders is heard,...

The Good Date Potato Pancake Joke

Was recently told this joke by my professor.

A boy is going on a date. Nervous, he asks the father for tips. The father runs the basics down and stresses one thing. "Now son, there are only three things you can talk about : Food, Family and Philosophy".

The boy has no reason to doubt h...

So a man is walking in a field...

...when he comes across an incredibly deep hole. Wondering how deep the hole is, he picks up a near by anvil and drops it down the hole. The anvil makes a long whistling sound as it falls but it never hits the ground. "Holy cow!" goes the man. "That is a deep hole." A few moments later a goat charge...

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Elderly woman wants a pet to keep her company

so she goes to the pet store to get a new friend.

She tells the shopkeeper she would like something she can talk to and possibly bring to church with her, and he suggests a parrot.

She agrees and the next day brings the parrot to church with her.

In the middle of the service, th...

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I was on the bus with my friend the other day...

When I told the joke: "What do you do if you see an epileptc having a seizure in the bath? Throw your laundry in with him!"

Unfortunately, there was a man sitting behind us when I told this, and he leaned over the seat and said "That's not funny at all, my Son happened to die from having a se...

Little Charlie was walking down High Street with his mother...

...when they stopped outside a woman's clothing shop. Charlie's mother knew it would embarrass Charlie to go inside, so she told him to wait outside.

Before Charlie's mother had a chance to go inside, little Charlie saw a used condom lying on the pavement.

"What is that mummy!?" he a...

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Tasteful Palette...

My girlfriend's mother was born and raised in another country, so she cooks a lot of exotic dishes. The first time I ate dinner with my girl's family, her mom prepared a huge pot of soup. Although I couldn't identify the exact contents, its smelled pretty good, and I hadn't eaten all day. Everyone ...

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Jeffrey vs. Clown (long)

Jeffrey is a young man growing up in a small, mid-century town. He's a sensitive, bookish type, but overall Jeffrey is a nice guy with a good heart. One day, the circus comes to town. Having nothing else to do (as there was no internet or video games in that time), Jeffrey decides to buy a ticket....

The President's birthday

A few days before his birthday, the Senate realizes they forgot to get the President a present for his birthday.

They get together and someone remembers he's been talking about how he wants a new customized Presidential limo, and so they all pitch in to buy him a new one.

But as they...

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A lady had to walk to work one day...

....which meant she had to walk past a new pet store.

As she passed it a huge parrot on display in the front window squawked out to her

"HEY LADY! You are SURE AS UGLY!"

The woman was offended and mortified but continued her way.

At the end of the day she passed it again...

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A man with a speaking problem walks into a bakery...

A man with a speaking problem walks into a bakery, and asks the chef ''May I please have a bum?'' the chef has no idea what he means, so suggests ''Did you mean bun?'' The man nods and buys a bun.

The man then walks into a hardware store, ''One fuckit please!'' he exclaims. The shop owner is ...

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Mike is about to have dinner at his girlfriend's parents' house for the first time...

and he wants to show up in style, so he decides to buy a motorcycle. After searching ads online he finds one that looks excellent. He gets to the seller's house and looks at the bike. It is in pristine condition! Not a scratch or rust anywhere. He asks the man "This bike must be 10 years old, how do...

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This husband and wife had been driving for nearly 20 hours

and decide its time too get a room too relax and get a little sleep. They find a nice hotel and get a room for the night. They go up stairs too there room,shower,eat and sleep.they wake up,eat breakfast ad go down stairs too check out. The receptionist tells them there bill is 350 dollars,the husban...

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I was walking by this young couple...

And the husband rips a really loud fart. His wife looks at him with wide eyes and she is mortified. The husband looks at her and says, "Oh don't worry. It's just my ass talking shit behind my back again."

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