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Missiles Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Soviet joke about two missiles

So USSR and the US finally go to nuclear war. They each fire a missile at each other to while the other out. The two missiles meet each other over half way to their destination.

"Comrade US missile", the USSR one says, "We are about to kill millions of people, let's stop and have a drink."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are nuclear missiles called ICBMs?

Because people shit their pants when they see those missiles flying!
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^*credit: somebody else; google&...

North Korean missiles can now reach mainland U.S.A...

WE WILL BUILD A ROOF! AND N. KOREA'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT! SAD!

What did Trump say to the Tomahawk missiles?

"You're fired!"

3 men are bragging about their countries

The American speaks first.

"Our missiles are so advanced that they cannot be detected by radar!"

"Ha," said the Russian. "Our missiles are so powerful that they can level Washington in 1 hit!"

"That's nothing," said the German. "Our missiles can hit Paris before France surrender...

Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have missiles being fired Un-supervised.

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven...

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Did Bush do 9/11?"

God replies, "Bush did not plan the attacks. 9/11 was perpetrated...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend and I were in Hawaii, we both got messages saying ballistic missiles were closing in on us, and thought we had minutes to live.

I asked "What are you going to do?" He said "I'm fucking the first thing that moves. What are you going to do?" I said "Try to stay perfectly still".

what does donald trump do with the nuclear missiles when he doesn't want to have them anymore

fire them

Radio Yerevan was asked

Radio Yerevan was asked: the western puppet Zelensky and his military still resisting in Ukraine armed themselves with anti tank missiles provided by western nations. How is our army dealing with those missiles?

Radio Yerevan answers: No need to worry. Our ingenious army commanders came up w...

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian defence minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet defence minister, was quite embarrassed about the scorecard from L...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea's long range missiles can't reach that far

Three guys are flying in a plane, and it starts to go down.

They all run to the door. The first guy fires 3 arrows, the second 3 bullets, and the third 3 missiles. Then they jump and parachute down into the jungle below.

Upon landing, they decide to walk their way out. They come to a clearing, where a little girl sits on a rock, crying. The first guy...

Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

What's the difference between a war drone and a commercial plane?

I dunno man, I just operate the missiles

Pakistan has shot down 2 Indian Jet fighters.

Using sophisticated Sikh - Heating missiles.

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*Y...

An unidentified aircraft gets intercepted by the French Air Force

The French Air Force calls the aircraft- "AIRCRAFT 20 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND IMMEDIATELY"

No response.

They call again-
"AIRCRAFT 22 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND NOW OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO SH...

I liked it better when Donald Trump used to say "you're fired" to people

instead of to inter-continental ballistic missiles.

What's the difference between CNN and Al Jazeera?

CNN shows the missiles taking off and Al Jazeera shows them landing.

Trump and Putin sit down for a game

Putin offers Trump to play a game.
-Lets say something and guess if its true or false.I'll start.I have submarines in the chinese sea.Truth or False?

Trump replies-False!

-Nope,Truth!1-0.Your turn.

-Trump thinks and says-I have missiles aimed at Russia,ready to launch!Truth o...

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