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Old Soviet joke about two missiles

So USSR and the US finally go to nuclear war. They each fire a missile at each other to while the other out. The two missiles meet each other over half way to their destination.

"Comrade US missile", the USSR one says, "We are about to kill millions of people, let's stop and have a drink."...

I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

A spy has infiltrated an enemy military base in search of illegal weapons. His coordinates for the expected weapons are a little off and he ends up in the ventilation shaft above the toilets. Command contacts him and asks if he’s found anything incriminating yet.

He replies hastily.. “Well, possibly something biological and I don’t see any missiles but.. I C BMs.”

Why did the United States send missiles to me after asking me not to leave?

Because I ran.

Apparently Kim Jong Un supervised the testing of a new missile weapon system.

I don't know, but it seems quite dangerous to have missiles being fired Un-supervised.

What's a similarity between babies and missiles?

Both make loud noises when launched in the air

Missiles

They don't sound very accurate

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My friend and I were in Hawaii, we both got messages saying ballistic missiles were closing in on us, and thought we had minutes to live.

I asked "What are you going to do?" He said "I'm fucking the first thing that moves. What are you going to do?" I said "Try to stay perfectly still".

3 men are bragging about their countries

The American speaks first.

"Our missiles are so advanced that they cannot be detected by radar!"

"Ha," said the Russian. "Our missiles are so powerful that they can level Washington in 1 hit!"

"That's nothing," said the German. "Our missiles can hit Paris before France surrender...

North Korean missiles can now reach mainland U.S.A...

WE WILL BUILD A ROOF! AND N. KOREA'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT! SAD!

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Why are nuclear missiles called ICBMs?

Because people shit their pants when they see those missiles flying!
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^*credit: somebody else; google&...

An unidentified aircraft gets intercepted by the French Air Force

The French Air Force calls the aircraft- "AIRCRAFT 20 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND IMMEDIATELY"

No response.

They call again-
"AIRCRAFT 22 MILES AWAY FROM TOULOUSE AIRPORT - YOU ARE BEING INTERCEPTED - RESPOND NOW OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO SH...

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Two missiles

North Korean and American nuclear missiles meet in the air, going in opposite directions, obviously.

"How's things in your homeland?" Asks American missile.

"Ah, it's awful. The fuel is shitty, the Uranium is barely enriched, and the ground crews don't do any maintenance at all."
...

What did Trump say to the Tomahawk missiles?

"You're fired!"

what does donald trump do with the nuclear missiles when he doesn't want to have them anymore

fire them

Trump: Siri, how many miles did i ran today?

Siri: Sending missiles to Iran today.

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*Y...

What's the difference between a war drone and a commercial plane?

I dunno man, I just operate the missiles

An old joke I heard from an Israeli fighter pilot...

According to him, flight school is hard. Most recruits wash out early. Some... Not so early. The training lasts years, and you can wash out at any time.

It was the last day of training, right before graduation, when the news came down, one of the cadets was being kicked out.

By this ...

A conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven...

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."

Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Did Bush do 9/11?"

God replies, "Bush did not plan the attacks. 9/11 was perpetrated...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea's long range missiles can't reach that far

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A japanese pilot was getting ready for war.

He approached his commander, and asked what will be loaded into his plane.

The commander said 'Your plane will be equipped with 20 missiles to fire at ground troops'.

The pilot replied 'That's a bit much. I don't think I'll need all 21 bombs'.

I liked it better when Donald Trump used to say "you're fired" to people

instead of to inter-continental ballistic missiles.

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The Snail

Two nations get into a pissing contest, each boasting it's military might. A third nation notices them, and being fed up, challenges them. Whoever wins this secret challenge will be known as the greatest nation.
Willing to show off around the world, the two powerful nations agree.
The leade...

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Reaction to Snakes

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.

• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for
more snakes.

• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere
kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

• Army Aviation: Has GPS...

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