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Ballistic Jokes

How the Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Came To Be

One night the great rocket scientist Werhner Von Braun was walking home in a nasty, freezing show storm, when nature called upon him quite suddenly.

After doing his business he stood up and looked down upon the result, at which he was heard to remark "Good heavens, that's one icy BM..."

I did an exam on marijuana and ballistic weaponry.

Scored high on the first part, but bombed the second.

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

What do you call a ballistic device that only fires birds?

A catapoultry.

Did you hear about the old intercontinental ballistic missile that couldn't get hard...

He had projectile dysfunction.

I turned on the news to see a trainyard owner went ballistic, and killed all the people who worked for him

Officials say they don't understand the reasoning, but insist he had loco motives

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I took my girlfriend home to meet the family

My wife went fucking ballistic

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Govern...

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Sex without light

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.


Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the ...

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I got caught fapping...

while sniffing my friend's sister's underwear yesterday. It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic. Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward.

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My friend and I were in Hawaii, we both got messages saying ballistic missiles were closing in on us, and thought we had minutes to live.

I asked "What are you going to do?" He said "I'm fucking the first thing that moves. What are you going to do?" I said "Try to stay perfectly still".

They call me the Mary Poppins of artillery...

I deliver...

Super-calibre-ballistic-expedient-explosions

What did the bullet do after getting fired?

It went ballistic.

What weapon does Santa have?

Ballistic mistletoe

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A lawyer and a priest die and go to heaven.

"Welcome!", says St. Peter. "Follow me and I'll show you your new homes!"

First, he shows the lawyer a humongous mansion with a huge garden and several large fountains. "This is where you'll be living", St. Peter says. The lawyer starts jumping around due to excitement and rushes inside.
...

The local circus fired the human cannonball a few hours ago

The performer went ballistic and witnesses confirmed the performer was over the hill

I used to have a teacher called Miss Aisle.

If you upset her even slightly, she would go ballistic.

I'm Designing a New Strategic Weapons System

It flies over enemy territory expelling thousands of tonnes of excrement.

I call it the Incontinent Ballistic Missile...

Physicists, Engineer and Statistician go hunting ...

... as they are walking through the woods, they spot a deer.

"This one is mine" said Physicists. He takes out a pencil and a notepad and does some ballistic calculations, but calculates them in vacuum. He picks up his rifle, aim, fires. The bullet overshoots by 5 yards.

"Give me that...

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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

He...

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

Did you hear about the man who got job as a human cannonball?

He was so excited he went ballistic.

What did the gun say to the bullet?

Go ballistic!

A man is on a date...[NSFW]

A man is on date with a beautiful girl and he takes her to a fancy hotel with a fancy restaurant and orders the most expensive food which happens to be a traditional italian pasta. While he is eating he finds finds a strand of hair and goes ballistic with anger. He immediately calls the manager and ...

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Husband always insisted on making love in the dark...

After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.

She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"

Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape Kim Jong Un's ballistic missile.

Glen and Paul meet at a Bar...

... Paul mentions that he just bought a giant Pink Ape. Glen is like" No way, they don't exist" Paul decides to prove it to him.

So, they hop into Paul's car and head 5 miles to a small shed with a wooden door with wooden steps, that lead down to a steel door with steel steps, that lead down ...

I liked it better when Donald Trump used to say "you're fired" to people

instead of to inter-continental ballistic missiles.

I got an emergency alert about an incoming missile on my phone today.

When I got it I went intercontinentally ballistic.

A guy's wife and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from the doctor's office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist picked up and he related the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea’s long range ballistic missile can’t reach that far.

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I ran over my neighbors cat this morning

I was running late for work and as I’m rushing out of the house I backed up without checking my surroundings. To my surprise I felt a bump and heard a yelp.

I get out of my car and instantly recognized my neighbors cat — I felt terrible. Feeling it was the right thing to do, I went and grabb...

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

Did you hear about the guy at the gun store who got fired?

He went ballistic.

Did you hear about the apartment building that got blown up? There were roomers everywhere.

Bob: Do you know why my pool exploded?
Joe: Na.

Did you hear about the power plant employee that went on a shooting spree? People say he went melted down and went nu...

There was a couple celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary by having a round of golf together as was their weekly custom since they had met.

The husband was set to tee off as his wife was waiting for her turn in the cart.

"You know honey?" the husband said. "I have a confessions to make. Years ago, after we were first married, i had an affair. It did not last long but i never told you and i wanted to tell you now."

His wif...

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A guy is waiting at the hospital for his wife to give birth.

After many hours, the doctor comes out with a baby in his hands.
Suddenly he drops it!
Guy who just became a father goes ballistic!
The doctor picks up a baby, and throws it against the wall!
"What the fuck are you doing?! Are you insane?!" Says the father tearing up in rage. ...

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A guy gets drunk and throws up on himself...again.

He's distraught about it because he knows his wife is going to go ballistic, and he's scared to go home. His friend at the bar says, "Relax, I have a solution."

"What's the solution?" the drunk asks.

"Here's what you do," says the friend. "Take a ten dollar bill and put it in your shir...

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

Don't smoke and pump gas

The other day I was filling up the car at the gas station so and then went inside to get a few snacks. When I walked up I noticed two cops watching a woman smoking a cigarette while filling up. I saw her & thought "what an idiot....with the police right there too". I went in & got my snacks....

A tyrant decides to check on the patience of his people, so he decides to play a game... (Modified political joke)

(Just for the record, this joke I believe is from Arabic and is supposed to portray a certain nation, but I've modified it a little)

He tells his advisers to set up a roadblock in the entrance of the capital to see if anyone speaks up. Nobody does.

After a while, he orders his advisers...

Stevie Wonder is in China for a concert...

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy kno...

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Three men stand before the heavens gate...

Petrus comes out with a hangover and says:,, Guys im really not in the mood for that shit please come back tomorrow.'' The three men protest and after a long disussion Petrus finally gives in and says: Ok, if you tell me the story how you died and i find it funny yu can come in.'' The first man star...

Bill and the Genie

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama's new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. He climbed out of his Rolls and sat down on the grass totally distraught. He knew Michele would go absolutely ballistic.

Then he noticed a lamp half-buried...

A father of three gets pulled over for speeding with his children in the car... [OC]

A father of three gets pulled over for speeding with his children in the car. He was only going over the speed limit by a few, and decides to think of a way to get out of this ticket. He realizes that maybe if he looks like he's having a hard enough day already, the cop will just send him on his way...

The Swing Bar

Jim's friends take him to a bar he hadn't been to before then. It was like any other joint, minus the oddly cheap booze, and the group of people huddled in the corner.

Jim asks the bartender what they're doing, and he explains that they're having a "swing".

Jim and his friends venture...

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My name is Juan

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

“You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education”...

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