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In Hospital Jokes

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me..

She said “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

“Fair enough,” I replied and felt her breasts.

A Swiss man is in hospital, all sorts of bones broken

His neighbour asks him: "How did you do that?"

Swiss: "I'm a bear hunter!"

Neighbour: "And...what happened?"

Swiss: "I stood at a small cave and said: 'Hoi Bärli!' A small bear came out and I let it go! Then I went to a medium-sized cave: 'Hoi Bärli!' A medium-sized bear came ...

Harry Potter woke up in hospital

"You've been in a coma for eight years", said the surgeon. "You ran in to a brick wall. LMFAO".

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Man in hospital

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".
He st...

A guy is in an accident and wakes up in hospital after being operated on

The doctor says "well sir, I have some bad news and some good news.
The bad news is that we had to amputate both of your legs.

But the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes"

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The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Very critical," replied the officer.


"What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

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My wife had hip surgery, so I went to see her in hospital

While I was there, her very handsome doctor came along to see how she was doing. He asked if I had any questions.

I said "How soon do you think we can have sex?"

My wife got annoyed and started yelling, I glanced at her and said "I wasn't talking about you."

I visited my grandfather in hospital……

he didn’t look well and had gone downhill from last time I saw him. He told me that he is now incontinent.
I said I know grandad, you are in Australia!

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Man in hospital

A nurse goes into an older man's hospital room and asks the man, "What would you like for breakfast today?" The older man sits up and begins to describing what meal he would like to have brought out to him...

"I would like a glass of orange juice but instead of using a clean cup, I would like...

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A guy is in hospital recovering from a laser eye surgery.

The surgeon comes him and asks, if he wants the good news or the bad news?


The guy excitedly asks for the good news.

The surgeon replies, "Well, you're about to get a new fucking dog."

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.

"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says

"Kajol, my daughter, are...

Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"...

Me: "...How is she?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".

Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!

Then again...

I guess that's just how childbirth works.

My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake.

He beat me at Mario Kart.

I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers.

My girlfriend will love them.

Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.

"Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "You ran face first into a wall."

Man wakes up in hospital after a serious accident....

"Doctor !! Doctor!! I can't feel my legs."

"I know. We cut off your arms."

The Queen is laying in hospital with her children at her bedside.

“The doctors remain optimistic but I worry my rule is coming to an end”. She says.

“But the Doctors say you have the omicron variant, do they not?” Said Charles.

“That’s right”, she replied.

“And the Symptoms are minor are they not?” He continued

“It’s true, but my body i...

I'm in hospital because I drunk a cup of petrol.

That was a very fuelish thing to do.

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A surfer gets attacked by a shark. He wakes up in hospital to see his penis fully bandaged



\- Doctor, what is wrong with my penis?

\- You had an accident. A shark bit you.

\- It bit my penis off??

\- No, no, thank God, no! It just bit off the tip. We managed to save most of it.

\- How much did it bite off?

\- Well.. you had a tattoo there?
...

Nurse talking to an old lady in hospital.

Nurse: Have you ever been bed ridden before.?


Old Lady: Yes, quite a few times, but I prefer it

bent over my walking frame.

I just want to let everyone know I am in hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only poisoned myself, what I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb.

The doctors said I should be out sometime in the spring!!!

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A man wakes up in hospital covered in bruises with a golf club wrapped round his neck.

The nurse asks him what happened. 'well, I was teaching my wife to play golf when her ball flew into a field of cows, we went looking for it, and I found it wedged perfectly between a cows arse cheeks. I pointed at it and said hey, this one looks like yours!!!'.

OCD patients don't receive transplants in hospital

They get reorganised.

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A man ended up in hospital and his wife visits him.

Wife: I barely got here. You wouldn't belive what happened.

Housband: What happened?

Wife: My car broke down. So I asked taxi to take me here. When I told him I don't have enough money, he said "You are either going to sing me a song, or you're going to suck my dick."

Housband: ...

I’m in hospital at the moment

Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was

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Eric is in Hospital

Who the hell is Eric ?

Well,Eric is the geezer who got home late one night:
Marilyn his wife was waiting for him with ....
"Where the hell have you been?"
Eric replies "I was getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred quid note tatt...

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A man wakes up in hospital.

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis ...

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery on his inner ear, having suffered a long term issue with his balance.

His daughter comes to visit and his face lights up when he sees her escorted in by the doctor. The doctor takes his daughter aside briefly and says 'It's early days bu...

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I went to visit my Chinese friend in hospital

Whilst taking a selfie video with him he suddenly yelled something in Chinese then died. With no way of understanding what he meant I wondered if it was a will. I decided that I had to pass the video on to his family.
When I arrived at Beijing airport customs asked me why I was visiting. I showe...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

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A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his penis

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.

“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your penis in the crash.”

The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.

The doc...

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A man's wife had been in a coma in hospital for some time

As part of her continued care, her sheets were changed often and she was given sponge baths by a nurse.

During one of the sponge baths, the nurse noticed the wife reacted slightly when her private parts were washed.

The nurse spoke to the husband and explained that she had an unconvent...

My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.

So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.

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A woman is in a coma in hospital

The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what hap...

A lawyer is dieing in hospital and his family visits him...

...and find him sitting in bed, reading the Bible.
"Ah" said his daughter "You're getting spiritual comfort"
"No", said the lawyer, "I'm looking for loopholes"

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals

To keep the vegetables cool and fresh

In Hospital

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

I also remember my grandfather's last words. He was very weak, bedridden in hospital, and had lost the power of speech. He had signalled for me to give him paper and a pencil. He died right after writing it.

It said,

*"You are standing on my breathing tube"*

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A man wakes up in hospital...

Being still dizzy, he looks around in hopes of understanding what is going on. He sees a nurse beside his bed and asks her what has happened. The nurse says: "You were in a terrible car accident. You were lucky the doctors got to you on time... you were put together practically piece by piece... but...

Why do you never see Father Christmas in hospital?

He has private elf care.

Waiting in hospital's waiting room makes

You patient.

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

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I saw a sick friend in hospital today...

He was masturbating in the morgue.

Paul is on his death bed in hospital.

He calls his best friend John to his side and tells him his last wishes.

"All my life, I have had this rare, expensive bottle of whiskey. It means everything to me. It has been passed down through my family for generations. " Paul whispers. "Please John, after I die, sprinkle the whole bottle...

Jerry was in hospital

He was recovering from his surgery. A nurse asks him how he is.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used during the surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

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