In Hospital Jokes - 41 Hilarious In Hospital Jokes

A Swiss man is in hospital, all sorts of bones broken

His neighbour asks him: "How did you do that?"

Swiss: "I'm a bear hunter!"

Neighbour: "And...what happened?"

Swiss: "I stood at a small cave and said: 'Hoi Bärli!' A small bear came out and I let it go! Then I went to a medium-sized cave: 'Hoi Bärli!' A medium-sized bear came ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man in hospital

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".
He st...

Harry Potter woke up in hospital

"You've been in a coma for eight years", said the surgeon. "You ran in to a brick wall. LMFAO".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man in hospital

A nurse goes into an older man's hospital room and asks the man, "What would you like for breakfast today?" The older man sits up and begins to describing what meal he would like to have brought out to him...

"I would like a glass of orange juice but instead of using a clean cup, I would like...

A guy is in an accident and wakes up in hospital after being operated on

The doctor says "well sir, I have some bad news and some good news.
The bad news is that we had to amputate both of your legs.

But the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes"

I visited my grandfather in hospital……

he didn’t look well and had gone downhill from last time I saw him. He told me that he is now incontinent.
I said I know grandad, you are in Australia!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is in hospital recovering from a laser eye surgery.

The surgeon comes him and asks, if he wants the good news or the bad news?

The guy excitedly asks for the good news.

The surgeon replies, "Well, you're about to get a new dog."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Very critical," replied the officer.

"What's she complaining about now?" I said.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital.

An Indian shop owner is on his deathbed in hospital. His family comes to visit him as he his waking up from a deep sleep. He looks around the room in a daze and calls out to them.

"Padma, my beautiful wife, are you here"
"Yes I am here my husband", she says

"Kajol, my daughter, are...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife had hip surgery, so I went to see her in hospital

While I was there, her very handsome doctor came along to see how she was doing. He asked if I had any questions.

I said "How soon do you think we can have ?"

My wife got annoyed and started yelling, I glanced at her and said "I wasn't talking about you."

Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"...

Me: "...How is she?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".

Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic , now,...

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene.

It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!

Then again...

I guess that's just how childbirth works.

My son is in hospital because of one little driving mistake.

He beat me at Mario Kart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in hospital covered in bruises with a golf club wrapped round his neck.

The nurse asks him what happened. 'well, I was teaching my wife to play golf when her ball flew into a field of cows, we went looking for it, and I found it wedged perfectly between a cows cheeks. I pointed at it and said hey, this one looks like yours!!!'.

I went to visit my wife in hospital, and took her flowers.

My girlfriend will love them.

Harry Potter wakes up in hospital.

"Welcome back. You've been in a coma for 8 years" says the doctor. "You ran face first into a wall."

Man wakes up in hospital after a serious accident....

"Doctor !! Doctor!! I can't feel my legs."

"I know. We cut off your arms."

The Queen is laying in hospital with her children at her bedside.

“The doctors remain optimistic but I worry my rule is coming to an end”. She says.

“But the Doctors say you have the omicron variant, do they not?” Said Charles.

“That’s right”, she replied.

“And the Symptoms are minor are they not?” He continued

“It’s true, but my body i...

I'm in hospital because I drunk a cup of petrol.

That was a very fuelish thing to do.

Nurse talking to an old lady in hospital.

Nurse: Have you ever been bed ridden before.?

Old Lady: Yes, quite a few times, but I prefer it

bent over my walking frame.

I just want to let everyone know I am in hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only poisoned myself, what I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb.

The doctors said I should be out sometime in the spring!!!

OCD patients don't receive transplants in hospital

They get reorganised.

I’m in hospital at the moment

Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in hospital.

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your ...

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery

An old man is in hospital after recovering from surgery on his inner ear, having suffered a long term issue with his balance.

His daughter comes to visit and his face lights up when he sees her escorted in by the doctor. The doctor takes his daughter aside briefly and says 'It's early days bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to visit my Chinese friend in hospital

Whilst taking a selfie video with him he suddenly yelled something in Chinese then died. With no way of understanding what he meant I wondered if it was a will. I decided that I had to pass the video on to his family.
When I arrived at Beijing airport customs asked me why I was visiting. I showe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes in hospital after a car crash missing his

After a terrible car crash a man wakes up in hospital to a doctor standing over him.

“Good news and bad news sir. You’re completely fine accept you lost your in the crash.”

The man pulls back the bedsheets and the doctor is right, there’s nothing down there at all.

The doc...

My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.

So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.

A lawyer is dieing in hospital and his family visits him...

...and find him sitting in bed, reading the Bible.
"Ah" said his daughter "You're getting spiritual comfort"
"No", said the lawyer, "I'm looking for loopholes"

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals

To keep the vegetables cool and fresh

In Hospital

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

I also remember my grandfather's last words. He was very weak, bedridden in hospital, and had lost the power of speech. He had signalled for me to give him paper and a pencil. He died right after writing it.

It said,

*"You are standing on my breathing tube"*

Why do you never see Father Christmas in hospital?

He has private elf care.

Waiting in hospital's waiting room makes

You patient.

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

Paul is on his death bed in hospital.

He calls his best friend John to his side and tells him his last wishes.

"All my life, I have had this rare, expensive bottle of whiskey. It means everything to me. It has been passed down through my family for generations. " Paul whispers. "Please John, after I die, sprinkle the whole bottle...

Jerry was in hospital

He was recovering from his surgery. A nurse asks him how he is.
“I’m OK, but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used during the surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.