UPJOKE
scalemetervaluemetricgaugestepstandardprosodyweighamountmeasurementquantifyassessevaluatecalibrate

Measuring Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis.

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won a dick measuring competition.

I measured more dicks than everyone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys have a dick measuring contest

The first guy: “I’m six inches”

Second guy: “that’s nothing, I’m a foot.”

Third guy: “I’m three inches….”

First guy: “dude that’s pathe-“

Third guy: “from the floor.”

An Asteroid Measuring 1,600 Meters Is Headed Straight Towards Earth.

That's quite the milestone!

What did the measuring cup say to the water?

I’ve had it up to here with you!!!

What do you want if you're measuring a hole?

The truth, the hole truth

Know why North Koreans are so good at measuring stuff?

They have a supreme ruler

A merchant told another "I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device."

"BaNaNa for scale?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got last place in the dick measuring contest.



It was really hard competition, I guess you could say.

What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common?

They're both imperial rulers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the redditor say after he won the dick measuring competition?

Wow! This blew up. Thanks for the gold.



repost because i accidentally deleted the 1st post in 2 minutes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a clothed dick-measuring contest?

Battle of the Bulge

Two people go into an empty bus...

three go out.

The biologist says: "They reproduced"

The physicist says: "There was a measuring error"

The mathematician says: "Now one has to go in so there\`s noone in the bus"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three fourth grade boys get into a dick measuring contest...

The boys are white, black and Asian. They all three pull out their dongs and measure up. The winner ends up being the black dude by a long shot.

When the black boy goes home he goes up to his mom and says "mom! today I got into a contest with the boys where we measured our dicks and I won! Is...

The hardest part of measuring Trump's package..

Is sneaking a ruler into Chris Christie's mouth

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

My friend doesn’t like measuring me

her: you look thin - how much do you weigh right now?

me: *goes to scale* 144lbs why?

her: ewww gross

A measuring cup got sent to prison

He was found guilty in the quart of law for litering

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I use my dick as a measuring device to distance myself 6 feet from others.

But first I have to fold it in half.

Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda.

Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.

For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked, because it's the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

Measuring device.

The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer.

Finally mustered up the confidence to measure my peen

Thought it was 9 inches until I realized I was measuring with the wrong end of the ruler.

I would apply for a job measuring the Kelvin scale...

... but I have zero degrees.

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I recently participated in a dick measuring contest

There was a lot of stiff competition.

I used to work at a company that made tiny measuring devices.

It was a small scale operation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

Why does North Korea excel at measuring volumes?

Because they have a Supreme Litre

I have started measuring my weight by hand to can

by this I mean how far down the Pringles can my hand will reach

My coworker was measuring two cups of creamer, trying to make them even...

I told him not to worry, it was already half and half

What's the SI Unit for measuring Light's Weight?

Hologram.

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed..... in short, driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damm ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner yells back, "Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her fr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.

It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

I've decided to start a new line of 'extra-shatter' measuring sticks.

Because rulers were made to be broken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American and a Russian measuring their cocks...

The American pulls out his 10" dick and boasts: "Bill, Buffalo Bill".
Then the Russian pulls out his 20" dick with 2 heads and teeth and goes: "Bill, Chernobyl"

What's the correct instrument for measuring how fat your mom is?

A size-mom-meter

I was carefully measuring out a dab of Cannabis extract for my roommate, when she said,

"Did you remember to-- Oh, nevermind; you're concentrating."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.