This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys have a dick measuring contest

The first guy: “I’m six inches”

Second guy: “that’s nothing, I’m a foot.”

Third guy: “I’m three inches….”

First guy: “dude that’s pathe-“

Third guy: “from the floor.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a clothed dick-measuring contest?

Battle of the Bulge

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got last place in the dick measuring contest.



It was really hard competition, I guess you could say.

Finally mustered up the confidence to measure my peen

Thought it was 9 inches until I realized I was measuring with the wrong end of the ruler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda.

Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

I passed a store the other day that traded measuring tools for fruit

The deal of the day was, "Banana for scale"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points ...

Know why North Koreans are so good at measuring stuff?

They have a supreme ruler

My friend doesn’t like measuring me

her: you look thin - how much do you weigh right now?

me: *goes to scale* 144lbs why?

her: ewww gross

Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up

*Two engineering students* were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said one, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox...

Three contractors bid to fix a fence at 10 Downing Street...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

A measuring cup got sent to prison

He was found guilty in the quart of law for litering

I used to work at a company that made tiny measuring devices.

It was a small scale operation

My coworker was measuring two cups of creamer, trying to make them even...

I told him not to worry, it was already half and half

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I recently participated in a dick measuring contest

There was a lot of stiff competition.

I would apply for a job measuring the Kelvin scale...

... but I have zero degrees.

I suspect my roommate stole my antique measuring scale.

He is not going to get a weigh with this.

The hardest part of measuring Trump's package..

Is sneaking a ruler into Chris Christie's mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

I have started measuring my weight by hand to can

by this I mean how far down the Pringles can my hand will reach

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a big interview coming up so I went to a custom tailor. He was measuring the inseam of my pants and asked “ do you dress to the left or the right?”

“What do you mean”, I asked?

“Well”, said the tailor, “does your penis usually sit to the right or the left?”

“That’s none of your fucking business” I shouted

“Fine”, said the tailor, “suit yourself.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three fourth grade boys get into a dick measuring contest...

The boys are white, black and Asian. They all three pull out their dongs and measure up. The winner ends up being the black dude by a long shot.

When the black boy goes home he goes up to his mom and says "mom! today I got into a contest with the boys where we measured our dicks and I won! Is...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

I was carefully measuring out a dab of Cannabis extract for my roommate, when she said,

"Did you remember to-- Oh, nevermind; you're concentrating."

Why does North Korea excel at measuring volumes?

Because they have a Supreme Litre

You are not supposed to twist measuring sticks to measure curves

But I've always been willing to bend the rulers

Measuring vs Questionaries

Me: To get the mass of each Can of chicken I used a digital scale


Teacher: Why did you use that method to obtain your data as
opposed to the other methods?


Me: Because the cans refused to answer the questionnaires honestly

What's the SI Unit for measuring Light's Weight?

Hologram.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America wants to repay its soldiers after the Afghanistan war.

After the Afghanistan war was over, America decided that every soldier can choose a certain part of their body to be measured, and they will get as many thousands of dollars as the lenght of that body part.


First soldier wants to be paid his hight. He will be measured from the tip of his ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.