Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

My wife took the car in to have its alignment checked.

Turns out it's Lawful Evil.

There's a lunar eclipse, and the Sun and Moon are aligned

The Moon says "Hello Mr Sun, I don't come across you very often!"

The Sun arrogantly turns his nose up and replies "Yes well, we move in different circles"

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Since we're doing favourites, here's mine:

Three men are walking along a beach when they come across a lamp buried in the sand. They pull it out and dust it off and out pops a genie.

"For giving me my freedom, I shall grant each of you three wishes," he declares.

The first guy says, "I wish for a billion dollars!" Poof, his b...

I think my truck needs an alignment...

It always pulls towards the liquor store.

My Dad Goes To The Orthodontist

When he gets there, the Dentist asks, "Are you here for your teeth appointment?"

"No," Dad replies. "I'm here for my teeth alignment. Why would I need pointy teeth?"

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The airplane is already full, passengers seated, but the cockpit is empty

Suddenly the rear door of the plane opens, and the two pilots make their way in - one is using a blind man cane, the other a guide dog. Slowly they make their way forward through the aisle in the general laughter of the passengers.

But the laughter dies down as the pilots enter the cockpit an...

I told my chiropractor that my spine was already in alignment, but he proved me wrong.

Now I stand corrected.

A Web Designer decided to use right aligned text

His boss yelled at him for it, because it wasn't justified.

What do you call it when the stars align for a mustard thief?

A Gulden's opportunity.

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."

The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

A group of crows is called a murder of crows....

A group of crows aligned evenly to both margins is justified murder.

I left my job today

Friend: why?

Me: I couldn't work for that boss after what he said to me.

Friend: what did he say?

Me: you're fired

A physicist walks into a bar...

and orders two drinks, having one for himself and leaving the other one untouched at the stool beside him. The next day, the bartender notices that he does it again, and the day after, he does it a third time. When he does it a fourth time, the bartender finally asks him "why do you keep ordering tw...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A waiter has a spoon tied to his pocket.

At a resturant a waiter has a spoon tied to his right pocket with a small rope.

One of the costumers asked him what is the purpose of this spoon?

The waiter said that he uses the spoon to align eating utensils, that way he doesnt touch them with his hands.

The costumer then a...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.

"You know," interrupts the guy with...

A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...

A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

THE RULES OF THE ANCIENT AND HONORABLE GAME OF INDOOR GOLF

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.

Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

For most effective play, the...

Mohawk haircut was invented ...

by a barber who just wanted to align some sideburns

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"

"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.

"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.

"Well," says Watson. "It quite simply means...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

They say when a Japanese girl is really turned on...

The pixels will align.

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When Halitosis Mets Bromodosis...

(Cross post from r/relationships) Once there was a girl with such bad breath that no one wanted to date her, no matter how hard she tried. Across town there was a man who inherited a very severe case of stinky feet that he, too, was deemed undatable. One night when the stars aligned just right, thes...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The Story of Ivan Ivanavich (Warning: long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day Ivan decided it was time to ...

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