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Masseuse Jokes

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sexist Masseuse?

A Massaginist!

It's an awful joke I came up with last night and couldn't stop giggling thinking about it.

What do you call a masseuse that only massages men?

A massogynist

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to the Masseuse?

Oil me back

Did you hear about the masseuse who refused to treat women?

He was a massagenist

Watched a movie about masseuse.

I am glad it had a happy ending.

Why did the officer arrest the masseuse?

She rubbed him the wrong way.

Why did the masseuse have to close up his shop?

He kept rubbing people the wrong way.

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

I went to my masseuse...

Past tense.

I've never trusted an amateur masseuse.

They just rub me the wrong way.

I finally mustered up the courage to ask my masseuse out to a movie date...

When we got to the ticket counter she asks, “Does it cost more if there is a happy ending?”

A paraphrasing of a joke my friend wrote.

I went to a Jewish massage parlor and asked my masseuse for a happy ending.

So she gave me a 10% discount off my visit.

What did the masseuse say to the camping seamstress?

Why sew tents?

I really miss my job as a deer masseuse...

It made me feel like a million bucks.

My New girlfriend is a masseuse

And she is putting way too much pressure on me

Why did the one-fifth go to the masseuse?

Because he was two-tenths

My new masseuse makes me uncomfortable

I’m not sure what it is about her, but she rubs me the wrong way.

I finally married my masseuse.

I love happy endings.

If there existed a masseuse who hated woman

Would he be called a Massogynist

Wanna hear a joke about a masseuse?

Nevermind it might rub you the wrong way

Whats the worst thing about a Thai Masseuse Bride?

They walk all over you.

Why did the masseuse give her lawyer a happy ending?

She thought he could come in handy. (I'll let myself out)

My masseur thinks he's naturally better than any masseuse.

He's such a massagynist.

I got a massage last week...

and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an erection normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?

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Got a pretty good eye roll from the wife on this one

My wife was telling me about the hellish day that she had today. When she finished, I thought I would do the right thing and offer to do something nice for her.

ME: "Well babe, if you want, when we get in bed tonight I'll give you the longest and best massage you can imagine. It'll be like y...

What do you call a masseuse who hates women?

A massagynist

Life lesson

A sales rep, an admin clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care...

I hate Masseuses

They're always talking behind my back

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Joe was standing in line at the bank...

... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.

The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".

In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you ou...

Two people were standing in line at the movie theater...

This guy was standing in line at a theatre when the guy standing behind him started to knees and massage his shoulders and he turned around and said, "what the hell are you doing?"

The other man replied, "I am a masseuser and I need to practice my craft."

The first man said, "yeah? Wel...

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Artificial Intelligence & Counter Intelligence

Hey Google, I am feeling the urge to have sex.


Google: Most certainly. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees. Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it. I have hired your favourite Thai masseuse.

She is just 12 minutes ...

What do you call musical groups that are exclusively made of masseuses?

Rubber bands

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Bill Gates was invited to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island.

After arrival Bill Gates was shown to a room with a rather young looking masseuse. The girl instructed Bill Gates to disrobe for a massage and one thing lead to another and they ended up having sex. Afterwards the masseuse said “I always wondered why you called your company Microsoft but now I know”

What do you call an Italian baker who gives backrubs?

A Tira-masseuse.

A Man Goes for a Massage

A man decides to treat himself to a massage after a very long week and visits his local Thai massage parlour.

Everything is going well until about halfway through when he starts to get an erection. The very attractive masseuse notices his condition and asks him "You want tug tug?". What the...

So I was rubbing down this broad at my massage therapy job, and I asked if her husband was paying.

She asked if i was a misogynist.

I said "Listen honey, its pronounced masseuse."

A Thai Massage

A couple who once on their vacation to Thailand, ordered a Thai massage for themselves.

After providing a relaxing and invigorating massage, the masseuse asked, "Sir? Massage Peenis?".

The man looked sheepish, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.

The masseuse asked agai...

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The Singing Blowjob [NSFW]

So this man go to a massage parlor to get a back massage. After the massage, the masseuse offered him a singing blow job. Intrigued, the man accepts. So the masseuse turned off the lights and started giving him a blowjob. Shortly after beginning she starts singing, in a clear and coherent manor. The...

New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution.

He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.

When I was young, at bedtimes...

My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the
benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

[OC] A man was getting a massage.

The masseuse asks him, “Are you tight in your neck?” 

He replies, “No I will not be.”

“How about your back?”

“No I wasn’t.”

“Your legs?”

“No I have.”

“Your feet?”

“No I will.”

The masseuse gives the man his massage, and find that he is tight in...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

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