Why shouldn't you mess with a poor landscaper?

They have bad tampers

What did the landscaper say after I helped them up from falling?

Grassy ass

What do call a landscaper’s nicest pair of pants?

His Grassless Chaps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a landscaper about his work the other day.

He told me: “Most of my work involves painting people’s lawns a different color. It’s some kind of new trend. I, personally, don’t get the appeal of having a pink lawn. Doesn’t make sense to me. But, I dye grass.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a covenant of nuns hires a group of landscapers to do some work.... (Long)

Sister Mary Peter was looking at the grounds of the covenant one day and decided to call her brother John, a landscaper, to do some work and liven up the place. After agreeing to do so, John and his crew arrived at the covenant and began work on the grounds.

Throughout the week, John and his ...

Where do all the New York City landscapers live?

Lawn Guy Land

Why do landscapers never give you a straight answer?

They're always beating around the bush.

A landscaper is adding a bunch of sand along the edge of a pond...

He looks at the guy who owns the pond and asks "do you really want me doing this?"

The man snaps back, "YES! JUST KEEP WORKING!"

The landscaper replies "ok! Jeez! I'm just makin' shore!"

I fired my landscaper today.

He just wasn’t cutting it.

What do you call a landscaper's bank account?

A hedge fund

What do you call it when you use an app to pay your landscaper?

Ven-mowing

Why did the landscaper get fired?

He kept dropping his plants in public!

I hired a dog landscaper the other day.

I guess you can say he was "Ruff around the hedges".

TIL Arthur Conan Doyle wrote a series of short stories about crimes committed by landscapers

He collectively referred to them as *Holmes and Gardens*.

Have you ever heard the one about the landscaper who lost everything after his wife left him and his dog died?

No?

Maybe I shouldn't tell it. It's a sod story.

I think I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year.

He was really easy to get a lawn with.

A landscaper's favourite musical genre?

Mow-town.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

How come Landscapers have huge loads?

They are always edging.

Chance The Rapper endorses the President and Rudy Giuliani, announces his full support of their voter fraud campaign.

Correction: Chance the Total Landscaper

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

I'm trying to convince my wife that we should become polygamists.

If we married a housekeeper, baby sitter, and landscaper, we wouldn't have to pay them.

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