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Thailand Jokes

Women in Thailand are like a box of chocolates

You never know which one has nuts.

What do you call a small person in Thailand?

Thai-ny

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Just came back from holiday in Thailand....

.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!


Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

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I just got married to a young woman from Thailand and she told me that a small penis is okay.

I still wish she didn't have one though.

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A Thailand Love Story

A man was lying in bed with his new Thai "girlfriend." They had great sex and were catching their breath. As they lay there, she started rubbing and stroking his testicles - over and over. He enjoyed the feeling of her touch, but was curious.

"That feels really nice. Why do you like doing tha...

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A young Caucasian decided to visit a hooker when he visited Thailand.

A week later upon returning to the States he developed severe urinary pain. This was followed by purulent discharge and blistering of his penis.

Anxiously worried he visited a physician who told him, “You have contracted a rare STD that unfortunately necessitates amputation of your penis. It ...

A man traveling through Thailand sees a monk light a fire with only the heat from his hands

He walks over to the Monk and says “how did you do that?” The monk replies “with enough training you can do things that appear impossible, what is the one thing you most want to achieve in life?” The man replies “I’d love to be able to jump as high as a house so I can compete in the NBA” the monk re...

My wife slept with a black guy from Thailand.

It was a black Thai affair.

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An American missionary is in Thailand when he is approached by a man offering prostitutes...

The man says in broken English, "I have pretty girl for you!"

The missionary responds, "No thank you"

But he is persistent, "What you like? Long hair? Boobs? Legs?"

The missionary says, "No thank you. I am here to preach the words of Jesus."

The man says, "Oh! You want b...

You usually don't get British Breakfast in Thailand..

but you will ocassionaly find two eggs and a sausage in places, where you were not even hoping for it.

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Saw a really stunning cute girl in Thailand on the bus, couldn't stop looking. I thought "please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner..."

But she did.

"IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" he cried with teary eyes. At that very moment he vowed...

.. to never visit Thailand again!

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

I wanted to go to vacation to Thailand but then I learned more about the place

So Phuket


(Wrote this one yesterday, let me know if it's been heard before)

Apple is moving its production facilities from China to Thailand.

Say hello to iPad Thai.

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How do you spot a Jewish paedophile in Thailand?

He brings his own kids.

It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

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I went to bed with 2 girls from Thailand last night.

It was amazing, it was like winning the lottery.


We had six balls between us.

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I was approached by a beautiful woman in Thailand and she kept saying “Small penis, don’t mind, small penis, don’t mind”

I would’ve preferred her not to have had a penis at all but oh well.

I just came back from a trip to Thailand and I was quickly surprised by the many Caucasians. I was then reminded that this is not the politically correct name for them.

They would not like to be called Caucasians but Ladyboys instead

I was going to take a trip to Thailand, but I couldn't pick which city to visit.

Ah, Phuket.

I've always wanted to travel to Thailand

It's been on my Phuket-list for several years.

Told my dad that 12 boys from a junior football team are lost in a flooded cave in Thailand.

Dad: They should call a priest.

Me: Dad! They could still be alive.

Dad: Yes I believe that they are still alive as well, just toss a priest in the cave and he'll find those boys real quick.

Hey girl are you a cave in Thailand?

Cause I wanna leave some kids inside you

I met a girl in Thailand and when we went back to her place I had an unpleasant surprise...

She was a woman.

My friend asked me to drop everything and come to Thailand with him.

So I said, Yeah.... Phuket

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Oops...

An American businessman is in Thailand. He goes to a bar and meets a beautiful woman. She looks like a lady, walks like a lady, and kisses like a lady.

After a few drinks the lady suggests they go back to her place, and the businessman readily agrees. They drive to her place, she perfectly re...

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A Russian goes to Thailand

A Russian goes to Thailand and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.

"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."

"What's the danger in that?"

"One of them is a man."

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my neigbour was in Thailand

He returned with a new girlfriend. She is one foot taller than him and she is drop dead beautiful.

The other day I talked to him asking how things are going with his new girl.

He moved closer to me and whispered:

"My girl says: it's no problem to have a small penis"

The...

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

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In Thailand, where on the woman's body is the clitoris?

Depends on the surgeon

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While on holiday in Thailand my friend met a stunning girl in a bar, so he plied her with alcohol to make his chances of getting a shag easier.

His plan backfired though. When they got back to his hotel she was too pissed to maintain her erection.

I head Thailand and Iraq are working together to create a new product.

It's called a Tie Rack

This just in: a horrible fishing accident in Thailand.

Several boys found in fishnets

I dont like the fact that the Thailand cave boys have become all famous and mainstream.

I preferred them when they were more Underground

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

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I was with a girl in Thailand recently. She was a butternuts.

Everything about was hot but her nuts.

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A man went on vacation to Thailand once...

...unfortunately something went wrong with the booking of the hotel. His room (and any room for that matter) wouldn't be available until tomorrow. The receptionist told the man that if he asked nicely he might be permitted to stay one night in the local temple along with the monks. So the man made h...

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

What is the difference between the US and Thailand?

In the US you deal with mail fraud

In Thailand you deal with male fraud

Nobody even noticed that Thailand announced they were starting a Space Force too....

Who’s really worried about Thai fighters anyway?

Why are most stormtrooper pilots from Thailand?

Because they're natural Thai fighters

My friend was surprised when I said I hadn't heard about the kids in Thailand being rescued

Where have you been? Living in a cave?

I thought I was about to get lucky in Thailand

A lass it was not to be

What did AOL say to the man about his new bride from Thailand?

You've got male

My African-American friend hooked up with a girl from Thailand...

It was a real black-Thai affair.

"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

I thought about going to Thailand

But Phuket

I slept with a woman in Bangkok, Thailand. But I didn't discover what she was until we finished...

Turns out, she was Canadian.

Tell you what, it's lucky that those Kids trapped in the cave in Thailand are footballers

It means they're already good divers.

What do you call a Hispanic man living in Thailand?

Thai Juan

What is worse than caving in Thailand?

Caving in Helsinki.

What do men in Thailand say when they can’t get girls?

“Phuket! I’m just going to Bangkok instead!”

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A man gets home from sex trip in Thailand...

and realizes his penis became green and it hurts badly when he touches it. So he goes to consult a doctor.
Doctor: "Hm, yeah, that's a severe illness you got there. The only way to deal with this is amputation."
The man freaks out, screaming an cursing the doctor for suggesting the unspeakabl...

The boys trapped in a cave in Thailand need to become diving experts to escape

Sounds like a job for Neymar

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I just got back from Thailand....

While I was there I went for a testicle check up. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said don't worry sir it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure. I said I don't have an erection, no she said but I do.

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I was on a plane recently and the stewardess said that in the event of an accident i had to stick my head between my legs.

I couldn't help thinking,

'if i could do that i wouldn't be flying to Thailand in the first place.'

I was thinking about telling a Thailand joke...

But Phucket.

Whats the age of consent in Thailand?

50$

Its been almost ten years so I feel I can make this joke now. What did inhabitants of an island in South-East Thailand say when they saw a tsunami approaching?

Oh, Phuket!

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I had a near miss on my a flight to Thailand.

Well a pre-op Transsexual.

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I walked in the pub with my gorgeous fiance .

Barman said " Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?"

"I met her in Thailand," I replied. "We're due to get married next month."

"You don't want to get married," he laughed . "That's when the blowjobs stop."

"I don't mind that," I replied. "I h...

What's the difference between Disneyland America and Disneyland Thailand?

In Thailand, you pay extra for the happy ending with each ride.

Brazil have sent star player Neymar to Thailand to help rescue the young footballers in the cave

...they heard they needed someone to teach them how to dive

what do you eat at a formal event in thailand?

black thai curry

Have you ever visited the area between Thailand and Vietnam?

Don't bother. It's pretty Laos-y.

Made in Thailand

Have you heard of the mountain climber from Bangkok?

He became famous as the Thai of the Eiger.

~

Who won the election for mayor of Bangkok?

It was a Thai.

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Man in a bar in Thailand

A white guy is in a bar in Thailand, drunk as a skunk. He unzips and starts pissing against the bar. A local patron approaches him and exclaims, "you're peein?!" The guy responds, "Nah mate, I'm fucking Australian."

A Nigerian prince secretly orders a 2nd wife over the internet from Thailand.

The wedding was a black-tie affair

Always bring a rogue with you when you go to Thailand

They're good at detecting traps

Planned to go to Thailand for my vaca this year but after hearing about the ladyboys I thought

Phuket

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I was offered sex...

In Thailand, I was offered sex with a 21 years old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available ...

What's the name of Thailands bloodiest kickboxer?

Tam Pon

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Born with no eyelids

( I usually start this one off by casually asking if someone has been keeping up with the news)

Oh, did you see the story about the missionaries that adopted that baby that was born with no eyelids?

No? It was pretty interesting. So, check it out, this group of missionaries was wor...

Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?

A trip to Thailand?

Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?

Then I pick you up again. :)

Let me tell you a little story about a criminal.

So in Thailand there was a gangster named "Mr. Phoon.", and one day he was passing through a small village that was home to a man he had had "taken care of", when the man had tried to interfere with the flow of Mr. Phoon's drugs into the town.

Now it was a stormy day, and some of the famil...

I couldn't decide where to retire...

I couldn't decide whether to one day retire in Australia or Thailand so I decided to make a list of pros and cons. Turns out Australia has a lot of cons, and Thailand..

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

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Before landing in Thailand...

...the captain kindly reminds the passengers to be careful who they meet and for what, because 50% of population has HIV and the other 50% tuberculosis.

One old man couldn't hear properly, so asked his grandson, what the captain said.

The man replied:

- To fuck only the coughi...

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A man goes to the doctor after returning from Thailand....

He explains to the doctor that while he was in Thailand, he had sex with a different prostitute every night. Now that he's returned home, his penis is starting to become green in some areas and black in other areas.


Fearing some horrible std, the doctor says, "this looks horrible, almost...

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to ...

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

Four Nordic men with terrible memories took a trip.

Four Nordic men with terrible memories, Finn, Mark, Lan, and Svee, took a trip.

Together, they travelled far and wide - they sipped wine under the Eiffel tower, climbed Kilimanjaro, met elephants in Thailand, saw the Hollywood sign in California, road tripped across the US, and ended up in Ne...

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car

Guy (angry) : Do you know who I am?

Mark : Yes, you are Scott Thomas, you have 237 friends out of which 37 are females and your wife doesn't know 12 of them. Last holiday you went to Thailand and there you . . .

Guy : Leave it bro, it was my...

Three years ago my brother came running down the stairs yelling “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”

That’s the last time we visited Thailand

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How Bangkok became the capital of Thailand

Long ago there was a king of Thailand, and he unfortunately passed away due to old age. However the people of Thailand saw this as an opportunity to grow and create a capital and have a new young robust leader.

The people decided to go to the surrounding tribes and select a few fit young men ...

A Hot Thai Nurse

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service in the UK, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.


As usual he was asked to...

Happy International Women's Day

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand... the eccentric boss dared any of his employees to jump into the crocodiles infested pond... and swim to the shore. Anyone who survived the swim will be rewarded with 5 million... but if killed by the crocs...2 million will be gi...

Minutes ago , my brother ran out of the room with tears in his eyes shouting : it is a boy , it is a boy !

Dont go to Thailand , my worst trip so far !

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