What do you get if you jab your eye with a sharpie?

A black eye

I drew a picture with a pyrite Sharpie

It was a golden doodle

What do you get when you cross a dog with a sharpie?

A permanent barker!

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

What do you call a Sharpie after it's been used a good bit?

A Dullie.
I'll see myself out.
Source: my dad.

A marker cut me the other day

It was sharpie

After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie

House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

The CIA has suddenly realized they've been making a horrible mistake

They've been using black sharpie instead of yellow highlighter for years

I once saw a Camgirl put a large Sharpie in her

Things got a little blue.

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

Donโ€™t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

I'm throwing a party for a bunch of science geeks tomorrow night

First person who falls asleep gets "The Earth Is Flat" in sharpie on their forehead.

Engineer Expenses

A maintenance man was tasked to fix a complex machine that had gone down. He tries for days to fix the machine, but cannot find the root of the issue. After trying for so long, he goes back to his boss.



"Boss, I think we need to call an engineer."



"Fine. Just make ...

Next time I hit the club, I'm coloring myself head to toe with a permanent marker, and that's all I'll wear.

Because every girl's crazy 'bout a Sharpie-dressed man.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Two words...

Little Jimmy comes home from school, and his mother is in the kitchen. He says "Mommy, I heard some words today on the playground and I didn't know what they meant. Can you tell me what they mean?"

His mother says "Sure, what words were they?"

Jimmy says "Well, first I heard one of the...

My girlfriend always wakes up with a huge smile on her face.

Goddamnit, I love my Sharpie!

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

I was at this party the other day...

...and one of my buddies decided to have me do a magic trick to "liven up the crowd."

So I took a brand new deck of cards and asked for a single, female volunteer. I found the hottest one in the room and got her on the coffee table "stage," asked her if we knew each other in real life, if the...

Don't give the homeless money.

They'll just use it on sharpies and cardboard.

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