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Sharpie Jokes

What do you get when you cross a dog with a sharpie?

A permanent barker!

Have you guys heard about the Sharpie molester?

Apparently he only felt tips.

My wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face.

I love Sharpies.

What do you get if you jab your eye with a sharpie?

A black eye

I drew a picture with a pyrite Sharpie

It was a golden doodle

My wife woke up with a big smile on her face...

I'm not allowed to bring Sharpies to bed any longer.

What do you call a Sharpie after it's been used a good bit?

A Dullie.
I'll see myself out.
Source: my dad.

A marker cut me the other day

It was sharpie

The CIA has suddenly realized they've been making a horrible mistake

They've been using black sharpie instead of yellow highlighter for years

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

2 newfies go fishing

So they go to the local marina and rent a small boat. After trying several spots they find a good spot and land many nice fish.

The guy in the front says to his buddy:

" This is a great spot, we should mark it"

So his pal pulls a sharpie marker out of his coat and draws a big X...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie

House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall

Next time I hit the club, I'm coloring myself head to toe with a permanent marker, and that's all I'll wear.

Because every girl's crazy 'bout a Sharpie-dressed man.

Don’t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

I'm throwing a party for a bunch of science geeks tomorrow night

First person who falls asleep gets "The Earth Is Flat" in sharpie on their forehead.

Engineer Expenses

A maintenance man was tasked to fix a complex machine that had gone down. He tries for days to fix the machine, but cannot find the root of the issue. After trying for so long, he goes back to his boss.



"Boss, I think we need to call an engineer."



"Fine. Just make ...

My girlfriend always wakes up with a huge smile on her face.

Goddamnit, I love my Sharpie!

Don't give the homeless money.

They'll just use it on sharpies and cardboard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two words...

Little Jimmy comes home from school, and his mother is in the kitchen. He says "Mommy, I heard some words today on the playground and I didn't know what they meant. Can you tell me what they mean?"

His mother says "Sure, what words were they?"

Jimmy says "Well, first I heard one of the...

Two blondes on a fishing day

They're sitting in a little boat, fishing an incredible amount of fishes.

First blonde says : You know what? I think we've just found the best fishing spot EVER!

I agree!, says the second blonde.

They keep on fishing until the second blonde says : I need to go, got an appoint...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

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