What do you get when you cross a dog with a sharpie?

A permanent barker!

A marker cut me the other day

It was sharpie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

I drew a picture with a pyrite Sharpie

It was a golden doodle

The CIA has suddenly realized they've been making a horrible mistake

They've been using black sharpie instead of yellow highlighter for years

After Trump changes course of hurricane with a sharpie

House approves budget of 12 crayons for border wall

I once saw a Camgirl put a large Sharpie in her

Things got a little blue.

I'm throwing a party for a bunch of science geeks tomorrow night

First person who falls asleep gets "The Earth Is Flat" in sharpie on their forehead.

Sharpie has a new motto...

Once you go black you never go back.

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.

Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.

Don’t know what was wrong with the delivery driver this morning.

He was all smiles until I signed his touch screen thing, then he got all shouty and mad.

I was so scared I dropped my sharpie and just closed the door.

Engineer Expenses

A maintenance man was tasked to fix a complex machine that had gone down. He tries for days to fix the machine, but cannot find the root of the issue. After trying for so long, he goes back to his boss.



"Boss, I think we need to call an engineer."



"Fine. Just make ...

Next time I hit the club, I'm coloring myself head to toe with a permanent marker, and that's all I'll wear.

Because every girl's crazy 'bout a Sharpie-dressed man.

A family lives in the middle of nowhere...

Being in the middle of nowhere, they have pets. One day there dog starts to scratch more than usual and they taking him to the vet, fearing fleas.
The vet, after being told the situation, looks the dog over for a little bit and says, “I think it’s ticks actually. Go ahead and shave him right her...

My girlfriend always wakes up with a huge smile on her face.

Goddamnit, I love my Sharpie!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two words...

Little Jimmy comes home from school, and his mother is in the kitchen. He says "Mommy, I heard some words today on the playground and I didn't know what they meant. Can you tell me what they mean?"

His mother says "Sure, what words were they?"

Jimmy says "Well, first I heard one of the...

I was at this party the other day...

...and one of my buddies decided to have me do a magic trick to "liven up the crowd."

So I took a brand new deck of cards and asked for a single, female volunteer. I found the hottest one in the room and got her on the coffee table "stage," asked her if we knew each other in real life, if the...

Don't give the homeless money.

They'll just use it on sharpies and cardboard.

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