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Mark Twain Jokes

Mark Twain Quote

"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

What is the purpose of war?

"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography" - Mark Twain

I'm aware of the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

But an award specific to pun-craft rings nobel.

What did Mark Twain name his son?

Choo Choo

If Mark Twain were alive today, what would be his favorite chain restaurant?

Langhorne Steakhouse

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

Mark Twain at a dinner at the Author's Club, said:

Speaking of fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. I my early lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the knew anything at all about what was in store for them.

'Good aftern...

When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky.

They're always 20 years behind everything.

Mark Twain

My grandma used to love reading Mark Twain books to me

It combined her two favorite things: spending time with her grandson and using the n-word.

I think I can say, and say with pride,

that we have some legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world!

Mark Twain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was in class one friday.....

The teacher said we'll play a game, whoever answers my questions correctly can leave early for the weekend. The first question was, who started a speech with "four score and seven years ago "? Several kids raised their hand and little Johnny was waving his hand frantically in the back of the class....

What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?

A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]

Vocabulary

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
Ec...

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