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Managed Jokes

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

I can't believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet...

I thought it'd be a piece of cake...

How has Donald Trump managed to bankrupt so many casinos?

He hits on anything twelve or higher.

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in

Me: Thanks for reminding me

'2' managed to be prime,

Against all the odds.

Scientists have finally managed to grow human vocal cords in a test tube

The results speak for themselves

I managed to escape Neverland Ranch by taking refuge in a nearby Catholic church.

Out of the flying Pan, into the friar.

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss.

I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

I finally managed to finish one of Stephen Hawkings’ books yesterday.

It was about Time.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

I managed to buy some GameStop stocks at only $8/share!

It is called "GameStop Total Landscaping," right?

I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down.

That wouldn’t be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.

Anyone remember when a holiday somehow managed to impregnate a month!?

*Ya it looks like Christmas came in July!*

...





...yes I've not been invited to a party in years, why do you ask?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend managed to fool me into volunteering in a cat shelter.

He said there was a lot of pussies I could play with.

Last night I managed to run 5 miles

I stopped when I saw she wasn't giving up and I just decided to let the old lady have her purse back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I managed to tell this joke to my gf during sex

(FYI: In Sweden we tell jokes about Norwegian people being stupid)

 

me: Wanna hear a joke?
gf: Wtf, now? sure...
me: What does the Norwegian man do before he comes?
gf: No idea..
me: He knocks on the door
gf: *giggles while facepalming*

&nb...

When one is getting micromanaged by two managers, it’s a…

Micromanage a trois

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit one day managed to break free from a laboratory

where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.


"WOW! This is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was attacked by three men last night. I managed to knock one out.

Probably wasn't the best time to have a wank but I thought fuck it, it might be the last chance I get.

I'm not much of a hunter. but I managed to shoot my first turkey today!

Only problem is, now the supermarket says I'm banned for life...

I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Finally managed to get my penis out of the exhaust pipe after half an hour.

I don't care what my girlfriend says, I'm never trying car sex ever again.

My father was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

I finally managed to get some Cymbals for my one man band outfit

The only trouble is, now the trousers clash

My Doctor finally managed to cure me of my obsession with the Muppets



He gave me an enema

followed by a Doo Doo do do do

After 20 years, I finally managed to teach rodents how to dance.

When I asked my colleagues what they thought, all they had to say to me was, "Conga rats."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she didn't think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating

But I managed to pull it off.

I knew a guy who managed to unlocked 100% of his brain

He died of a seizure in the hospital, it was pretty tragic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

(long) A man was standing before the judge, being questioned over how did he managed

to run over 10 people while driving his truck, so the man answered:

I was driving my truck, hauling a heavy load of rocks, going down this steep street, on one level i came to realize that my brakes have overheated, and unresponsive, down in my way there was 2 groups of pedestrian, on the rig...

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

Today, I managed to beat the chess world champion.

Turns out, his moves were useless against a bat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I managed to have sex with my girlfriend for 1 hour 30 minutes doggy style last night...

That’s 4 minutes in human time.

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum

The ex-spearmint was a complete success

My dominatrix business was failing, but I managed to save it.

I had a whip round with my customers.

My favorite thing about Vladimir Putin...

... is that he has managed to take Russia's military from being the second most powerful in the world *allllllll* the way to being the second most powerful in Ukraine.

Last night the Grim Reaper came for me, but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with Death.

I’ve finally managed to conquer my addiction to swimming.

I’ve been dry for six months now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys picked a fight with me in a bar last night. I managed to knock one out.

Sure, it was a strange time to masturbate, but I didn't know if I was going to survive.

I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.

It worked tirelessly.

Managed to talk a suicidal man down from a window ledge

By shouting

“JUMP!”

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right...

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today.

To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

Last year I felt miserable and depressed, but this year I've managed to turn it around.

Now I feel depressed and miserable.

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