UPJOKE
painfulunpleasantpainwoundmadtendersensitiverawangrysorenessachinghurtdiscomfortinflamedachy

What do you call a dinosaur with a sore leg ?

A mylegissaurus!

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If we went camping and you woke up with a sore asshole, would you tell anyone?

No?

Want to go camping?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor because his ass is sore

He tells the doctor he got fucked by an elephant. The doctor says, "That's odd, I've heard that an elephant's dick is actually very thin"

The man says, "That's true. The problem is he fingered me first"

Dated a Greek god, now I have cold sores

Thanks a lot, Herpules

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the blonde have a sore bellybutton

Her boyfriend was blonde too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman complained to her friend she had a sore throat!

The friend replied: “Whenever I have a sore throat, I just give my husband a blow job and the soreness goes away!”

They meet the next day, and the woman says:” I took your advice! You were right, the soreness disappeared immediately! Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman has a sore throat and asks for help

So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.

The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"

The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.

Coworker asks "Did it work"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a special set of trainers that always seem to give me a sore throat whenever I wear them.

They're my hoarse shoes.

What's Worse Than A Giraffe With Sore Throat?

A centipede with sore feet

Check out "conjunctivitis.com".

Its a site for sore eyes.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat ?

A little horse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hitchhiker in the mountains

A guy is driving a serpentine road in Polish mountains. He sees a local waving at him to get a hitch, so he stops. The guy — a 2 metre tall, muscular guy pulls his ciupaga (shepherd’s axe) from his belt and growls:

— Masturbate!

The guy is confused, but he obliges and quickly completes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a thumbtack ?

A megasoreass.

What do you call a sore old man?

Crampa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] I just made this joke up - be gentle

A small breasted woman was walking along the sidewalk in New York City on her lunch break, going to get something to eat. As she passed by a nearby constuction crew, they started cat-calling her.

Normally, she would just ignore them, but one guy in particular kept making fun of the fact that...

A woodpecker with a sore beak walks into a bar

and asks "Where's the bar tender?"

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were robbing a pet sore...

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were robbing a pet store.
Suddenly the cops show up and they all quickly hide in sacks.
The cops kick the first sack with the Englishman in and he goes "meow".
They move on and kick the second sack and the Scotsman goes "woof".
They then kick t...

My wife called me an eyesore, when she really meant "sight for sore eyes"

And I'm going to keep telling this to myself so I can maintain the strength it requires to make it through this life.

My rear end was sore from sitting on the bar stools at my local pub.

So, I've been taking stool softener, but those stools still seem just as hard to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Antarctic explorer has a sore ass from sitting on the ice all day.

Since there’s currently no doctor on base, he phones his doctor 5,000km away in Melbourne. The doctor says “it’s probably just piles, but since I can’t examine you, you’d better send a photo just in case it’s something more serious.”

Worried, the explorer blurts out “how the hell do I take a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctors with a sore bum

He states he doesn't know what's causing the pain.

So the doctor begins to examine his rear and asks specifically where the pain is.

The man replies "At the entrance, that's where it's sore!"

The doctor replies "Well for as long as your refer to that as an 'entrance' there's goi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Medical Kiosk

Walmart installed a medical kiosk, for $10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BJ for Sore Throat

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.


"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts."


Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a pub in outback Australia and orders a drink

The barman asks him if he wants to have a go at the challenge. The man says what do I have to do. The barman says there’s three parts to the challenge.

Part 1: you have to drink this entire bottle of 200yr old whiskey and keep standing.

Part 2: there is a 20ft crocodile out the back wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doctor,I've soreness in the entrance my asshole!"

"I can understand why and it will continue as long as you refer it as an Entrance" .

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a train car on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thought, “I be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why did the gynecologist go to Jurassic Park?

to see the vagina sores

Why did Peter put Icy-Hot on his sore shoulder?

For Pete’s ache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank.....

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."

F...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of horses was making fun of a miniature horse who sounded weird because he had a sore throat.

One of the horses felt bad for the little guy, and said to his friends, "Leave him alone, he's just a little hoarse."

A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits un...

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

What did the cold sore say at the brothel?

Her please

You wanna know what part of barry bee benson is always sore?

It's the bees knees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex...

... they decide on a 'washing machine'.

Later in bed, that night husband says, "Washing machine."

Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head."

Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine."

Husband replies,

"Too late, it was on...

I saw a dwarf goalie play two games in a row, and asked him, “Are you sore?”

He said, “Yes, I’m a little tender.”

A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....

The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up...

Why was Princess Jasmine so sore?

well it was 1001 knights...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy picks up a girl

They go to his room and have sex multiple times. After the 5th or 6th time, they both fall asleep. The guy wakes up in the middle of the night with a sore penis. He tip toes to the kitchen, pours some cold milk in a bowl and puts his penis in that. That gave him some relief.

Suddenly he heard...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Turk who wakes up hungover with a sore ass after a long night with a hooker?

Mustaf bin Atrani

What does a pig buy if his skin becomes sore?

Oinkment

Arnold Schwarzenegger woke up this morning with a sore head and a bad back...

... he put on his dressing gown and slippers, opened the door to his en suite shower and let out a sigh.

“Why is my shoauwer still broken?” He exclaimed. “The plumber was supposed to hef come last week.”

He made his way to the kitchen to fix himself some food. Opening the fridge, a put...

A doctor was fed up with his job. A patient walked in with a terrible sore on his mouth. He asked the doctor what he should take. The doctor said

“Aleve. The doors over there.”
*(credit: gf)*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were driving home late last night.

We spotted a scantily dressed young lady standing somewhat unsteadily at the corner. My wife remarked, "she looks high as shit!"

"Oh, I don't know," I replied, "Fifty dollars doesn't seem that high to me."

My arm is still sore where she punched me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

He sits down on the exam table and the doctor looks at his arm.
"What seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Wainscotting?", the doctor asks.
"Doc, I've got terrible pain starting in my bicep and extending down to my forearm." replies Mr. Wainscotting.
"Let's have a look."
The doctor examine...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Pokemon say after having too much sex.

Vulva Sore.

What do you call an artist with a sore throat?

Vincent Van Cough.

What do you call an Egyptian who treats sore muscles?

A cairopractor

Al Gore had a sore tooth so went to see his dentist

"Jim", he said, "I have An Inconvenient Tooth"

What do you call a sore eyed joke?

Cornea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was very undecided about attending the LGBT+ Pride march today and I ended up with a sore butt....

...It’s what I get for sitting on the fence!

Why do pirates have sore joints?

Because they get arrrrrrrthritis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I beat my cock until it was sore today...

Made brilliant chicken tenders!

My Joke

What do you call a T-Rex in pain? A Dino-Sore

What do you apply to a sore pig's nose?

Oinkment

A man got a sore throat and goes to a doctor's house

He knocks on the door and the doctor's wife opens the door "is the doctor home?" He asks whispering because of his throat. The wife looks outside, sees no one and whispers "No, he's not. Come in".

I've been making pottery by hand all day and boy howdy am I sore

You could say I'm Clay Aiken

This mummy is sore...

It needs a Cairo-practor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the Canadian stripper sore all over?

People had been throwing loonies at her all day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long Covid (NSFW)

A guy goes into the Doctor's office and says, "Ya know doc, I think I might have long Covid." The doc asks, "How so?" And the guy says, "Well, you know, I tested positive over 3 weeks ago. I'm still congested, I have a minor sore throat, and I'm really fatigued." He pauses while the doc scribbles...

A man was suffering from a sore eye every time he had a hot chocolate.

He went to see his eye doctor who performed tests on his eye. It was red and inflamed but the doctor couldn’t find the reason why.

Baffled, the doctor analysed the hot chocolate, and had it sent off to the best labs to see if the man was suffering from an allergy. The results all came back i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave a woman a sore vagina.

That's the last time she asks me to beatbox.

Temptation (Severe pun warning)

My best friend was getting married to his long time partner Edith.

Some of his friends took him to a bucks/stag night away. While at a bar he was approached by a beautiful woman who whispered in his ear.

He smiled and whispered back in her ear.

She frowned and walked away. ...

1 in 3 people get cold sores. That's a lot of people. You can tell it's a lot of people because the term "cold sore" caught on.

If 1 in 10 people got them, 9 in 10 people would say "Cold sore? Ohhhhhh you mean your mouth herpes".

How do you compliment a girl with a cold sore?

You tell her that her smile is contagious.

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

Why was the astronaut so sore?

He had a buildup of ga-lactic acid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being a College Student is hard

Being a college student is hard. Every day, you have to clear up your schedule and make time to sit down and focus, find the right material, make sure no one will interrupt, and really zone in on completion. By the end of the night, your eyes are dry and your wrist is sore. And sometimes after all t...

I've been playing my lute for 7 hours and my fingers are sore and stiff

I have minstrel cramps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Complained to my doctor about getting sore wrists every time I give my friends a ride through the underpass...

He told me I had carpool tunnel syndrome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes bear hunting in the woods

He finds a rather large bear and it spots him. He tries to shoot it but misses. The bear swats the gun out of his hands and throws him to the ground. Then rips his pants off and fucks him in the ass.

A few days later the now very sore hunter comes back with a much larger rifle and attempts to...

Was on Twitter earlier telling everyone about how I had this tiny spot on my top lip that turned into a massive cold sore…

It's gone viral…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk man is walking through the park at night...

when he sees a small, dark figure in the distance. He is curious, and gets closer and sees a small person with his back to him. He touches the small man on his shoulder to turn and identify the person and is shocked...

"I can't believe what I am seeing! This has to be my lucky day! Are you.....

I saw a pink bird with a sore throat.

Must have been a phlegmingo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't astronauts like open sores on their penis?

They burn upon reentry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wholemeal Bread with seeds seems to make my butt sore.

I think I'll go back to using toilet paper.

What’s the saltiest dinosaur?

Tyrano Sore Ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That deal's a sore dick....

Ya can't beat it!

I lost the Sore Loser Award last night...

It's okay. The guy who won really deserved it and there is always next year.

what do you get if the duck comes late?

A sore head

The sore throat

Carl, a young man, woke up and suffered from an awful sore throat and all but lost his voice. The small town's doctor operated out of his own home, so Carl made his way over, scratching at his sore throat.

Dr. Wendell's wife answered the door, "Yes?"
Carl, in a very quiet, breath...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

June was sore.

She scolded Ward Cleaver.
"You were awfully hard on the Beaver last night Ward!!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.