UPJOKE
furiousirateindignanthuffyoutragedenragedinfuriatedragemadwrathfulcholericaggressionangeredprovokedincensed

Angry Jokes

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

Behind every angry woman.

is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry I paid top dollar for a session with a sex therapist - only to be told I need to masturbate more.

I should have just taken matters into my own hands instead.

Why do short people get angry more quickly?

Because the point to which "they've had it up to here" is much lower.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a really angry and weird look from my wife the other day during sex.

Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.

I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...

there's no need to be angry at lazy people

they didn't do anything.

The next time your wife gets angry...

put a cape (or bath towel) over her shoulders then tell her: "Now, you're Super Angry!"

Maybe she'll laugh...or maybe you'll die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”

A man sitting in the corner replies,

“You won’t have enough bullets”

A big angry man walks into a bar and says "Who has the Chihuahua tied up out front"?

A man in the back of the bar stands up and says "That's my Chihuahua"

"Well, he just killed my Rottweiler!"

" What?!! How did your Rottweiler get killed by my Chihuahua?!!"

" I think he choked on him".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get SO ANGRY whenever I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt

I can't fucking take it

"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry... Because I always back up my rage with facts and well documented sources"

-The Credible Hulk

Joke my kid made up when he was like 4.... What do you call an angry shopper using bad words?

A cussomer.

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

I was angry at my friend and he sarcastically asked "what would Jesus do?"

So I flipped over the table and chased him from the building with a whip.

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was super angry when she caught me watching porn. She said it degrades women.

Jokes on her. The porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

We are mystified that people are so angry about Djokovic being an anti-vaxer.

His first name is No Vac

Now that's a Djok

My girlfriend is angry with me for incorrectly quoting the Princess Bride

Unbelievable!

What is the one type of person that will never get angry?

A nomad.

What do you eat when you’re cold and angry?

A BRRRR GRRRRR.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies...

But I keep punching up the fuck line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

A young Apache is sitting before a nice little fire, but he's visibly angry.

A friend of his comes by and asks what's the matter.

-Damn fire won't make any smoke and I have an urgent message to send!

The other replies :

-Hmm... you tried putting it out and lighting it again?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

A drunk stumbles home after midnight, and his wife is angry.

"Where the hell have you been?"

He says, "I've been out looking for you!"

"Looking for me? I've been here all day!"

"Well, it figures, you'd be in the last place I look!"

I recently became very angry as a result of misplacing my memory foam mattress.

I had lost my Tempur.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

Why do pirates leave the bathroom angry?

Because after the Pee is gone, they're just Irate.

I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it to go to hell.

20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.

At first I didn’t know an angry mob was outside my home because I only heard a polite knock on my door.

But when I discovered the truth of my predicament, I stayed as quiet as a mouse—quieter, even—and fortunately, after a short time, they all got bored and left.

Power to the peephole.

what did the angry witch do while riding her broom?

She flew off the handle.

What do you call a long line of angry people trying to order food at a Vietnamese restaurant?

Pho queue

What makes a Pirate angry?

When someone steals their P

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry Dad

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend'...

A buddy of mine is one of those “flat Earther’s.” He said he’s angry and going to the edge.

I have a feeling he’ll come around.

What do you call a huge, angry, green man that cites all his arguments from peer reviewed journals?

The credible hulk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an angry ape

Ever since it lost his mate, he has been mean, throwing feces, and acting aggressive toward staff and visitors.

Into this, a young apprentice zookeeper was thrown. For some reason, George the ape was taken by him. Maybe it was his thick beard.

So the man was waiting for his boss in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the prostitute get angry after having sex in an apple orchard?

Because her client came in cider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why were T-Rexes so angry?

Because they couldn't masturbate.

A man checked his office email on Monday morning. He saw an email from this co-worker that said "Do you have any naked pictures of your wife"? Angry, he replied” I certainly do not!"

A short while later he got a second email "Want to buy some"?

I got SO ANGRY at the game the other day, I slammed my mouse...

The pet race was kinda awkward after...

They say Jesus wasn't angry about getting crucified

But I think he was pretty crossed

After a great birthday fishing and drinking with the guys, I came home to a very angry wife.

Apparently, "Why don't you tie me to the bed and do whatever you want" had some caveats.

I was thinking how I can make some random strangers on internet angry today…

… but first I will feed my dog that chocolate bar he has been eyeing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Hitler when he gets angry?

Fuhrer-ious

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was so angry when I found out that one of my trucks carrying fertilizer went missing last night.

I lost my shit.

If Will Smith is this angry in March

Just wait until August comes around.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the doctor angry at their patient while trying to get a stool sample?

Because he didn't give a shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:

-Which one of you fucked my wife??!!
Some guy in the crowd says:
- you should bring more bullets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an angry but thankful japanese Cat?

Domo Aggrocato

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to the angry fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably angry today…

… but first I need to put my luxury chef knives in the dishwasher.

Putin is reportedly extremely angry about his bridge getting blown up

He needs to get over it

Some homeless man got overly angry with me when i said i have never heard of the newspaper he was selling

I don’t know what the big issue was

Angry God

A woman just had a baby but as glad as his husband was, he was bit confused too that what should he named his first born child. He prayed for god and god appeared infront of him. The man asked the god to help him name his son. The god was angry that he called him for this small work and cursed him t...

What do angry peppers do??

They get jalapeno face!!

What do you do when being chased by an angry bat?

Use hand to hand calmbat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angry passenger pushed his way to the desk

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The ...

Why do angry clocks only tock?

Because they are ticked off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My blind wife gets so angry when she bumps into me while I’m masturbating

She never sees me cumming.

My mom is too angry right now

She says she will bang my head on the keyboard if i stay on the desk for anotherlkjdflkdjfvnvsdfsl'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher in 1st grade at school is angry with a student that always swears and pays no attention to the lesson

"what's your problem?" Teacher asks

"Miss, I think I shouldn't be in the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm far smarter than her. I should be at least in the 3rd grade" he replies.

She goes with him to the principal, with whom agree to do some knowledge tests.

-wha...

A Chinese factory recently had massive layoffs, leaving hundreds angry...

...at having to go back to school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nobody's angry when Santa comes early

But when I do it, my wife is pissed!

Of course Chewie would get angry when he loses a game!

He makes Wookie mistakes!

What do you call a very angry shot of vodka?

Mean spirited

During Jimmy’s turn with Santa they have a tense interaction at the end of which Santa shouts “NO!!!!” at Jimmy and storms off leaving the kids angry and crying.

When parents ask him what went down between them Jimmy says it was going well till Santa asked him who his favorite president was and he told him it was Obama. So Santa asked him for his next favorite president on and on and Jimmy diligently answered one by one - Abraham Lincoln, JFK, The Roosevelts...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holly Gennaro was angry with me for dropping her wristwatch when I saved her at Nakatomi Plaza. But what could I do?

My Hans slipped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People get angry when you tell them how to do their jobs.

For example, when I suggested to my doctor that I get a colostomy, she ripped me a new asshole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry single parent: “I’M TRYING TO BE BOTH A MOTHER AND A FATHER TO YOU!”

Little Johnny: “Go fuck yourself.”

Angry

My wife and I never go to bed angry

When she is mad at me, she makes me sleep on the couch

What is round and angry?

A vicious circle.

What does a beatboxer do when he's extremely angry at some boxes?

He realizes he has anger issues.

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"

Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.

How do you escape an angry lumberjack on the internet?

You log off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angry guy walks into a bar

he whips out a .44 magnum and shouts "who the hell fucked my wife", everybody is silent until a guy sitting at the back of the bar says "mate you don't have enough bullets"

What does Kim Jong Un do when he's angry?

[removed]

A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionist’s desk at a doctor’s office. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday!" she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. “I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing,” he said. “Why do you think it was taken here?”

“After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly.”

“I think,” explained the surgeon gently...

how do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly

The Mexicans are really angry about the wall.

Don't worry, they'll get over it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get bitterly angry every time my cell phone dies...

My therapist suggested I need an outlet

A woman gets on a bus carrying her baby. The driver says 'Oh my, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen' The woman goes to her seat with an angry rage building. The man sat next her asks 'What's the matter?' To which the woman says the driver was so rude to her she might lose it...

'That's outrageous' says the man 'You should go and tell him off for whatever he said. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you whilst you do'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face!

Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

An Angry man went to the store to return a thermos.

The cashier asked what was wrong with it.

“Well” said the man “it’s supposed to keep cool things cool”

“Yep”

“And hot things hot”

“Exactly”

“Well it doesn’t work. I put a cup of hot soup and 2 scoops of ice cream in here, and when I took them out they were ruined...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

There are two ways to make people angry.

The first is to make people curious and not tell them.



And the second is

I don't get why Trump is angry about being impeached

He finally got something that Obama didn't get.

Why was King Triton angry over Ariel's report card?

Her grades were under the C.

Why was rudolf the reindeer so angry?

Because his wife went to Las Vegas and blew 50 bucks.

Don't you hate it when you can't tell if a text response is angry or enthusiastic?

YES!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting on the toilet, angry and late for work.

I was thinking, " I don't have time for this shit!".

I told my gf the world was flat and she became angry with me

I told her she was my world and she got angrier

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...

My wife and kids always look through the window all sad and angry when it rains

Maybe I should let them in

My boss called me. He was very angry.

"You're late!" he shrieked. "We've got a big meeting in five minutes!"

"I'm on my way to my car as we speak," I replied.

"Do you think you'll make it?" he asked desperately.

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everytime I take an angry poo

I lose my shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angry man storms into the town pub with a gun. "Alright, which one of you bastards has been fucking my wife!?

A voice at the back of the room says, "Buddy. You ain't got enough bullets."

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

Angry Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head ...

Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out?

He had a total meltdown

Angry alligator

You ever wonder why an alligator is so angry,

All them teeth with but no toothbrush.

What do you call an angry police man?

Beats me.

My girlfriend got angry when I threw fragrance sticks at her.

She was incensed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angry man enters a bar.

The man begins shouting that all lawyers are assholes, exclaiming “give me a lawyer, I’ll show you there an asshole.”

This goes on until finally a man sitting at the bar comes over and confronts him.

He states “you know, I resent that.”

To which the angry man responds “what, ...

I’m so angry I just smashed my keyboard.

I lost Ctrl.

Why was the T-Rex angry?

Because he was happy and he knew it...

Why are women always so angry?

I forgot my girlfriend's birthday once and neither she nor my wife are talking to me now!

Hey, did you pay the phone bill? The phone company is getting angry

No, hehe, they stopped calling us. In fact, everyone did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

My History teacher got so angry that I couldn't translate the sequence 50,1,5,1,500 into Roman Numerals

You could almost say he was Livid.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

What do you call a pig that's angry about being cold?

A ham brr grr!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My gf got angry when I told her I pee in the shower

As if *she* could hold her pee while shitting.

What do you call your mother’s angry French sister?

Your croissant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a wife got angry with her husband always complaining about her extravagant spending of money and stopped talking to him.

The husband next day came home and said, " I got a tattoo for you."
"What kind of tattoo and where is it?" she asked.
"It is a $100 bill tattooed on my penis, " he replied.
"Why the hell did you get it there?" she asked.
He said , "Because I know how much you like to blow money."

What do you call an angry rabbit in the desert?

A hot cross bun.

what is the difference between a sad ghost and an angry cow?

one boos sadly the other moos madly

The Ukranian Soldier

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g...

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

What do you say to a blacksmith who's angry about breaking his sword

Ooh, temper temper!

Trains never get angry...

..cuz they're always blowing off steam!

At first my wife was angry that I bought a hot-tub without asking her

But she's slowly warming up to it

I didn't have any toast this morning, and I'm very angry about it.

I think I might be lack toast intolerant.

Boy comes up to his father, all angry.

He says, "Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would impress the girls?"

Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it work?"

The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Bobby is angry at his sex-ed teacher, because he didnt pass the last exam

Now he plans his revenge with his friend Sam, who also failed in sex-ed.
Bobby: Listen, you will hide on this side of the door, and when she comes in you throw your jacket over her head, so she cant see us, then i will kick her in the balls.

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

My friend got angry at me for sniffing his sisters underwear

It didn’t help that they were still on her body and sure did make an awkward moment at the funeral service

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.