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Congest Jokes

Help, I took medicine to clear congestion and I’m still suffering with it.

It’s 6 am and I hate traffic so much.

I was on the verge of winning the "Worlds Most Congested Nose " competition....

And then I blew it.

My left nostril is always very congested.

You could say it doesn't get a lot of air time.

funniest joke you'll hear today about congestive heart failure

Assuming you are healthy, your heart when working normally, acts, sort of like a pump, or rather, two pumps. You see, your right heart expands to draw deoxygenated blood in from the body, and contracts to pump it out to the lungs to become oxygenated. And at the same time, your left heart draws in o...

What do you call a congested elephant?

Junk in the trunk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is known that masturbation eases congestion

"I swear officer, I was only trying to help traffic move along!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a recent medical study, masturbation helps to ease congestion.

The traffic cops on my afternoon commute did not agree, however.

What did the the psychologist say to his patient, who hears voices, about her congestion?

It’s all in your head.

In an attempt to reduce congestion, my local council removed traffic lights at all crossroads...

bit of a roundabout way of doing things, don't you think?

Did you hear about the Mucinex truck that collided with a Nyquil truck on the highway?

Amazingly, the entire area was congestion-free for over 8 hours.

What did the man who blamed his nasal congestion on the federal reserve do in response?

Sudafed

A truck loaded with Vicks vaporub overturned on the highway

amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

Why was Traffic Man often coughing while capturing villains?

Because he was always congested.

Pill commercials nowadays be like

“After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!”

“Consult a doctor if you’re experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long Covid (NSFW)

A guy goes into the Doctor's office and says, "Ya know doc, I think I might have long Covid." The doc asks, "How so?" And the guy says, "Well, you know, I tested positive over 3 weeks ago. I'm still congested, I have a minor sore throat, and I'm really fatigued." He pauses while the doc scribbles...

A man sneezes in a confessional.

Priest: ...

Man: "bless me father for I have sneezed"

Priest: \*trying not to chuckle\*

Man: \*tries to explain he didn't know he was sick\* ... "it has been 6 weeks since my last congestion"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English father sits his son down to talk

English Father: Son, have you tested positive for Coronavirus?

Son: No dad

English Father: Do you have any of the symptoms

Son: No dad

English Father: Do you have a cough?

Son: No dad

English Father: Do you have a runny nose or congested nose

Son: No...

Before I get into Spring Break traffic, I cover my car in Mucinex...

It really thins out the congestion.

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

Where is the flu most common?

In cities with high levels of congestion!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Glaswegian joke that can be applied anywhere.

Three pieces of tarmac (asphalt for Americans) are in the pub at the end of the day.
One says, "I'm on the Great Western Road. You wouldn't believe what I have to go through every day! Cars, endless traffic, congestion, it'll make you pure mental!"
The next one says, "You think you're in a bad...

A tyrant decides to check on the patience of his people, so he decides to play a game... (Modified political joke)

(Just for the record, this joke I believe is from Arabic and is supposed to portray a certain nation, but I've modified it a little)

He tells his advisers to set up a roadblock in the entrance of the capital to see if anyone speaks up. Nobody does.

After a while, he orders his advisers...

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