UPJOKE

Lots Of Jokes

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west

If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...

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I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

When I am on my Unicycle I have lots of energy..

But on my bike I am two tired.

Why does it take lots of people to screw in a light bulb?

Because many hands make light work

After lots of revision, I finally got an A in my recent test.

the doctors were so shocked because last time I only got an O-.

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Why do idiot drivers always have lots of kids?

Because they never know the right time to pull out.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

Lots of people want chicken fingers

But a very few wants to finger chickens

During this pandemic I'm buying lots of stocks.

Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!

Apparently, lots of Canadians use "married but dating" sites.

What a sorry state of affairs.

Elon Musk's DM to a hot girl: "Will send pics of my rocket. Lots of thrust. Gets up fast! Wink. Wink." Girl responds…

"Would be nice if it didn’t explode after 2 minutes."

Lots of my friends enjoy going on cruises.

I'm not onboard with that, though.

Lots of hobbies

I have 70 hobbies.... 69 and fishing

Lots of women are turning into good drivers nowadays

So if you are a good driver watch out

Lots of people thought I was a fool for going into debt because I overspent on therapy sessions.

But now I'm laughing all the way to the bank.

Lots of people talk about werewolves...

But noone ever asks whenwolves

Lots of people get ads on their phone for things they talked about.

Why do I get ads for schizophrenia medicine??

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work...

We were able to lift his coffin.

Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers?

Because New York got to pick first

What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock?

Barns and no-bulls.

(This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)

Genie: What’s your first wish?

Toby: I wish I was Rich.

Genie: Granted, what’s your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

When I die, I want to be buried in an area with lots of seismic activity

Strictly for the good vibes

My mate Dave's got a bad history with cobbler's and he refuses to replace his favourite shoes, despite having lots of holes in them.

He said he's got *trusty-shoes...*

What do you call a guy with lots of street smarts?

A road scholar.

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Hitler May have ended lots of lives

But at least he put a stop to Hitler

Why does Fozzie Bear make lots of Chinese food ?

He loves to use his wokka wokka!

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