A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees som...

I formed a rock group called the elastics, things aren't going so well so far though,

We have one song and it's band.

Two burly bouncers are standing outside the front of a pub.

One says "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!"

"Why's that?" The other asks.

The first bouncer finishes " 'cause the elastic is killing me."

A elastic band is thrown into a torture chamber,

A man comes up to him grabs him and stretches the elastic band out until he is just about to break,

The man stares the rubber band in the eyes,
“You have so much potential”

(Made this one myself, thank you.)

Two guys are waiting in the unemployment line.

Two guys waiting in the unemployment line worked side by side in the factory for 17 years before it closed down.

First guy up to the window doesn’t speak good English.

The Clerk asks, “What was your occupation?”

Man: “Dieselfitter”

Clerk: (looks in book) “ok that’s $795...

To the person who lost a huge roll of $100 bills wrapped with an elastic band

I found your elastic band.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy Norman was a great guy, but he was obsessive about power poles.

True story. My buddy Norman had mental issues.

He used to go around with a slingshot, shooting stones at the insulators on power poles. The police would pick him up, hold him overnight, then let him go in the morning. He would eventually find a new slingshot, then go right back to shooti...

What is the difference between a piece of fabric with elastic around the edges, designed to go on a bed, and an unexpected bout of diarrhea when wearing sandals?

One is a fitted sheet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually

Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows

Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the ...

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'


The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.


Mick w...

There was a man with an odd habit of repeating one sentence, that he'll make a slingshot and kill the birds.

His family was extremely worried about this. They feared he had completely lost his mind. The family took him to all nearby doctors but all in vain. They had nearly given up when one day they heard about this spiritual healer.

In hopes of getting him fixed, the family decided to travel far a...

Pinata joke, not mine but thought it was funny. Sorry if you have heard before

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord,...

What is sitting in a tree and makes "Haa Haaa"?

An owl with a speech impediment.

\-------------

Dentist to the patient: This might hurt now a bit

Patient: Don't worry

Dentist: Ok... I'm having an affair with your wife!

\------------

Wife to husband: You look aweful with these new glasses

Husband: B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a woman...

Buys a vibrator she is "modern and playful"...
But if I buy a sex doll ultra4000 with elastic latex mouth, 6 speeds of vibration real feel Riley Reid and 16 different orgasm sounds sorround system people call me a pervert..

When I get home I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off

The elastic's killing me 😫

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A middle aged man is turning 40 and he's feeling severely depressed,

so he decides he'll treat himself to a prostitute. He and his companion for the evening retire to a motel room and he sits down on the side of the bed. The john starts untying his shoes and eventually slips off his socks.

In utter shock, the lady of the night gasps and says "What the fuck is ...

I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group...

Perhaps calling it 'spastic on elastic' wasn't one of my greatest ideas...

What do you call a musical group made of rubber?

An elastic band.

A man is talking to his friend at the bar

"When I get home, I'm going straight upstairs and tearing the wife's knickers off."
"Ooh," his friend says. "Feeling randy?"
"No," the man replies. "The elastic's killing me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys were walking home from work one afternoon.

“Shit,” said the first guy, “as soon as I get home, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties off!”.

“What’s the rush?” his friend asked.

“The fucking elastic in the legs is killing me,” the guy replied.

Dead husband

A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?"

Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct."

The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?"

"The old fool used an elastic rope!"

How did the first Ethiopian get to the moon?

He was tinkering with an elastic band.

I can't find a title for this joke, still here it is

"So, you say that your husband hanged himself?" asked the judge.
"Exactly", said the widow.
"Then, how can you explain the bumps and bruises all over his head?"
"Well, he used an elastic."

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