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Stains Jokes

My wife and I decided to name our new dog “Stains”.

That way whenever he gets out, all I have to do get him back is yell “COME STAINS!”

Despite removing all the stains....

I lost my job as a Church window cleaner.

I went to high school with a kid names Stains

The class wouldn’t stop laughing when the teacher said “Come Stains, in my office”

Grass Stains

Two long time friends are in a bar. One says to the other:

"Dude, hypothetically speaking, if you woke up one day in the middle of the woods with a raging hangover, no idea how you got there, grass stains round your knees, no pants and a sore ass, would you tell your wife?"

Other guys...

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I'd always heard how men pee on shit stains to make them go away

But that only made my boss call the cops on me.

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Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow"

By Mr. Completely

LPT: If you get ink stains on a fancy shirt, then Alcohol is your best friend!

Ive learned that alcohol is the best way of dealing with ink stains. When I accidentally left my pens in the pockets of my new shirt during the first wash, they came out with huge blotches of ink all over.


However, after half a bottle of tequila, i couldn't see the stains anymore.
<...

My dog stains and I went to the dog park

All the Karen's weren't pleased when I walked around yelling "come stains". What the heck is wrong with them anyways?

My girlfriend left stains on the toilet bowl.

I thought she'd be easier to flush than that.

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The shit stains in my toilet are so peaceful

I just can't piss them off.

What did the Spanish man say when I got grass stains all over my pants?

Graciass

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What do boners and stains have in common?

If you get it wet and rub it enough it'll go away.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

I brought my therapy dog named “stains” to the laundromat the other day and he started to run of

So i shouted “come stains!”

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3 guys awake after a night of sharing a bed

The guy on the rightmost side looks over to the other two, and says,
"I had the weirdest dream last night, I dreamt that I was getting jacked off!"
He looks down, and surely enough, there's cum stains.
The guy on the leftmost side exclaims,
"Weird! I had the exact same dream..."
He l...

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Rude customer

Fellow walks into a bank.

He hasn’t had a haircut for some time. He is wearing a T shirt with food stains on it, a pair of jeans with holes and two unmatched sandals. He has a can of beer in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

He gives a loud belch and yells « Service! »<...

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If you woke up with grass stains on your knee and a used condom in your butt would you tell anyone?

No?
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.
.
.
.
.
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Wanna go camping?

My neighbor asked me what I do for a living, and I told him I eliminate the filth of the earth and clean up the stains left behind.

Apparently describing my house cleaning job this way warrants a call to the local police station.

3 zombies were hungry...

3 zombies were hungry and one of them said "I will be back in a minute" minute later he came back with blood stains on his mouth. Other 2 asked "how did that happen?"
He replied:
"Do you see that pole?"
-"Yes."
"There was a man hiding behind it and I ate him."
Second zombie said "I w...

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Little Johnny....

Mr Wilkins stepped out into his back yard, and heard sobbing sounds coming from over the fence next door.

Curious, he looked over and saw young Johnny, eyes puffed up and tear stains on his cheeks, patting down a large mound of earth with his plastic spade.

"Hey Johnny," Mr Wilkins inq...

What if tide pods..

Are just cleaning up people who should have been stains in the first place?

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Iron Man is sexist

The fellas down at Marvel need to create an Iron Woman. She would use her super strength and agility to get even the toughest stains out of my office slacks.

A woman goes to a new dentist for the first time.

When she sees his name on the diploma, she thinks she must've gone to high school with this guy. Then she sees him and thinks it couldn't possibly be the same guy. This overweight, balding guy with wrinkles on his face and tobacco stains down the front of his shirt. But she sits in the big chair and...

When I was 5 years old my mom got me a puppy.

He was white with these little brown splotches all over him that reminded me of the coffee stains on the kitchen table, and so the obvious name for the dog, in my young and simple mind, was Stains.
My mother quickly grew to despise this name, as the dog had a tendency to bolt out of the door and ...

A pirate’s pants

There was a pirate captain who would ask his lieutenant to bring his red trousers whenever an enemy vessel was sighted and battle would ensue.

One day his lieutenant asked him “captain, why do you always wear your red trouser to battle?”
To which the old ruffian replied “So that when I b...

Jeffrey Dahmer walks into his local used furniture store with a sofa.

"It might have some stains." He mutters sheepishly.
"Come again?" Inquires the hard of hearing store manager.
"Some blood as well this time."

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My wife always complains when I use her toothbrush

If somebody can tell me of a better way of getting shit stains off the back of the toilet bowl I'm all ears.


-Jimmy Carr

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Blueberry Hill

So this is a joke I heard as a kid really too young to even get it. Sorry if it's a repost, I don't read anything but what comes up in my feed.

A teacher is taking roll in an old rural schoolhouse and realizes several of the students are missing. She isn't too worried as the rural nature of t...

Why 6 was really afraid of 7

6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavi...

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A man is having an affair on his wife with his secretary

One day after work they lose track of time while making love in his office. In a panic the man exclaims he must get home now or else his wife will surely know. Worried, the secretary asks what he will say. The man has an idea, and tells her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass while h...

A priest and a nun are sitting at a dinner table, eating spaghetti

With every bite, the nun, a notoriously sloppy eater, spills sauce on her clothing.




The priest says to the nun, "You've got some stains on your tunic," to which the nun replies, "It's a dirty habit."

I was doing the laundry today and I started reading the side of the detergent and it said…

Tough on Grime.

Smashes Dirt.

Hard on Stains.

I thought, wow, that last one's a bit too much information…

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A man is cheating on his wife..

And one night, after a rather energetic session with his mistress, he falls asleep and doesn't wake up until 3am.
Horrified, he scrambles around for his clothes, gets dressed and leaves as fast as he can.
On the way home he has an idea.
He goes to the local park and rubs his shoes in the...

It's way easier to drink goat milk than you'd think.

It's getting the grass stains out of your clothes that's the hard part.

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,

the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

When does a gas become a liquid?

When it stains your underwear.

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My original redneck joke.

If you clean the stains in your toilet by pissing harder, you might be a redneck.

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get urine stains out of a couch?

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How do you know if the wool in your socks came from New Zealand?

They've already got cum stains before you open the package.

Letter to Tide from beloved consumer

Dear Tide

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
One evening about a month ago, while at home, I spilled some red wine on my new white shirt. My wife started to berate me about my clumsiness and how expensive the shirt was. That I was stupid, couldn't even hold a glass rig...

How can you tell if a good ole boy from North Carolina is married?

There are tobacco spit stains on BOTH the doors of his truck.

A new bartender is working the saloon in Dodge City

When a cowboy burst through the doors from the street shouting, "Look out everybody, Big Bill Johnson is coming to town!"

The saloon burst into a panicked commotion as everyone scrambled for the door. In the rush, the bartender is knocked down and passes out.

When he came to, he heard...

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