Despite removing all the stains....

I lost my job as a Church window cleaner.

LPT: If you get ink stains on a fancy shirt, then Alcohol is your best friend!

Ive learned that alcohol is the best way of dealing with ink stains. When I accidentally left my pens in the pockets of my new shirt during the first wash, they came out with huge blotches of ink all over.


However, after half a bottle of tequila, i couldn't see the stains anymore.
<...

I went to high school with a kid names Stains

The class wouldn’t stop laughing when the teacher said “Come Stains, in my office”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'd always heard how men pee on shit stains to make them go away

But that only made my boss call the cops on me.

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An Arab has a rendezvous with a British soldier, and they plan to trek across the desert to a secret military base.

"Come on my friend," says the Arab, "We must trek across the desert. The food here is the poorest in the world, so we must make haste. Would you like one of my camels?"

"No I don't want a camel." says the Brit. He starts walking.

Confused, the Arab knows it's a long trip to where they ...

If I had a dog I would name it stain

So whenever I would call for it, I would yell “come stain!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i got drunk and woke up with lipstick stains on my penis.

I'm surprised how flexible i am when I'm drunk

A new bartender is working the saloon in Dodge City

When a cowboy burst through the doors from the street shouting, "Look out everybody, Big Bill Johnson is coming to town!"

The saloon burst into a panicked commotion as everyone scrambled for the door. In the rush, the bartender is knocked down and passes out.

When he came to, he heard...

A pirate’s pants

There was a pirate captain who would ask his lieutenant to bring his red trousers whenever an enemy vessel was sighted and battle would ensue.

One day his lieutenant asked him “captain, why do you always wear your red trouser to battle?”
To which the old ruffian replied “So that when I b...

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

I brought my therapy dog named “stains” to the laundromat the other day and he started to run of

So i shouted “come stains!”

I named my dog Stains

You get weird looks when you yell "come Stains!" at the park.

My dog stains and I went to the dog park

All the Karen's weren't pleased when I walked around yelling "come stains". What the heck is wrong with them anyways?

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Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow"

By Mr. Completely

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If you woke up with grass stains on your knee and a used condom in your butt would you tell anyone?

No?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wanna go camping?

My girlfriend left stains on the toilet bowl.

I thought she'd be easier to flush than that.

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The shit stains in my toilet are so peaceful

I just can't piss them off.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

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What do boners and stains have in common?

If you get it wet and rub it enough it'll go away.

Grass Stains

Two long time friends are in a bar. One says to the other:

"Dude, hypothetically speaking, if you woke up one day in the middle of the woods with a raging hangover, no idea how you got there, grass stains round your knees, no pants and a sore ass, would you tell your wife?"

Other guys...

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A man is cheating on his wife..

And one night, after a rather energetic session with his mistress, he falls asleep and doesn't wake up until 3am.
Horrified, he scrambles around for his clothes, gets dressed and leaves as fast as he can.
On the way home he has an idea.
He goes to the local park and rubs his shoes in the...

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A man is having an affair on his wife with his secretary

One day after work they lose track of time while making love in his office. In a panic the man exclaims he must get home now or else his wife will surely know. Worried, the secretary asks what he will say. The man has an idea, and tells her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass while h...

Jeffrey Dahmer walks into his local used furniture store with a sofa.

"It might have some stains." He mutters sheepishly.
"Come again?" Inquires the hard of hearing store manager.
"Some blood as well this time."

This is a joke someone told me called the penguin story

A penguin is driving down the road when he hears a weird sound coming from his car so he starts looking around for a mechanic shop. Eventually he finds one and pulls his car in to the parking lot. He goes to the lobby where the mechanic is. The mechanic looks at the penguin and says “Mr. penguin wha...

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Blueberry Hill

So this is a joke I heard as a kid really too young to even get it. Sorry if it's a repost, I don't read anything but what comes up in my feed.

A teacher is taking roll in an old rural schoolhouse and realizes several of the students are missing. She isn't too worried as the rural nature of t...

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My wife always complains when I use her toothbrush

If somebody can tell me of a better way of getting shit stains off the back of the toilet bowl I'm all ears.


-Jimmy Carr

A man dies of a heart attack at 62 years old.

His widowed wife, after days of mourning, has to arrange the funeral service. She goes to the morgue and makes arrangements. During the detailing, she explains his last few wishes.

"He always told me, if he dies without disfigurement, he would like an open casket funeral so he would be rememb...

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

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Iron Man is sexist

The fellas down at Marvel need to create an Iron Woman. She would use her super strength and agility to get even the toughest stains out of my office slacks.

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

What if tide pods..

Are just cleaning up people who should have been stains in the first place?

Why 6 was really afraid of 7

6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavi...

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey..

It was a cruel and unusual thing that cost me the best years of my life to a crippling depression. Whatever joy i had only seemed to dwindle over time, as my hokey pokey induced stupors reduced an eternal bond to several years of a loveless marriage.




And believe me, I tried so ha...

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