This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'd always heard how men pee on shit stains to make them go away

But that only made my boss call the cops on me.

Despite removing all the stains....

.....I lost my job as a Church window cleaner.

If I had a dog I would name it stain

So whenever I would call for it, I would yell “come stain!”

What did the Spanish man say when I got grass stains all over my pants?

Graciass

I brought my therapy dog named “stains” to the laundromat the other day and he started to run of

So i shouted “come stains!”

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway...

A drunk man smelling of liquor sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's shirt had stains all over it, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began to read.

After a ...

My dog stains and I went to the dog park

All the Karen's weren't pleased when I walked around yelling "come stains". What the heck is wrong with them anyways?

I named my dog Stains

You get weird looks when you yell "come Stains!" at the park.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Has anyone read the book, "Cum Stains on Her Pillow"

By Mr. Completely

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is cheating on his wife..

And one night, after a rather energetic session with his mistress, he falls asleep and doesn't wake up until 3am.
Horrified, he scrambles around for his clothes, gets dressed and leaves as fast as he can.
On the way home he has an idea.
He goes to the local park and rubs his shoes in the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

My girlfriend left stains on the toilet bowl.

I thought she'd be easier to flush than that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you woke up with grass stains on your knee and a used condom in your butt would you tell anyone?

No?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wanna go camping?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The shit stains in my toilet are so peaceful

I just can't piss them off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do boners and stains have in common?

If you get it wet and rub it enough it'll go away.

Jeffrey Dahmer walks into his local used furniture store with a sofa.

"It might have some stains." He mutters sheepishly.
"Come again?" Inquires the hard of hearing store manager.
"Some blood as well this time."

Grass Stains

Two long time friends are in a bar. One says to the other:

"Dude, hypothetically speaking, if you woke up one day in the middle of the woods with a raging hangover, no idea how you got there, grass stains round your knees, no pants and a sore ass, would you tell your wife?"

Other guys...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is having an affair on his wife with his secretary

One day after work they lose track of time while making love in his office. In a panic the man exclaims he must get home now or else his wife will surely know. Worried, the secretary asks what he will say. The man has an idea, and tells her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass while h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blueberry Hill

So this is a joke I heard as a kid really too young to even get it. Sorry if it's a repost, I don't read anything but what comes up in my feed.

A teacher is taking roll in an old rural schoolhouse and realizes several of the students are missing. She isn't too worried as the rural nature of t...

This is a joke someone told me called the penguin story

A penguin is driving down the road when he hears a weird sound coming from his car so he starts looking around for a mechanic shop. Eventually he finds one and pulls his car in to the parking lot. He goes to the lobby where the mechanic is. The mechanic looks at the penguin and says “Mr. penguin wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife always complains when I use her toothbrush

If somebody can tell me of a better way of getting shit stains off the back of the toilet bowl I'm all ears.


-Jimmy Carr

Why do you want divorce?

Judge: Why do you want divorce?

Petitioner: My wife asks me to peel off garlic, cut onions, wash utensils.

Judge: What's the problem in this? Just warm up the Garlic, it will be easy to peel it. Before cutting Onions just chill them in the refrigerator and then while cutting them the ...

A man dies of a heart attack at 62 years old.

His widowed wife, after days of mourning, has to arrange the funeral service. She goes to the morgue and makes arrangements. During the detailing, she explains his last few wishes.

"He always told me, if he dies without disfigurement, he would like an open casket funeral so he would be rememb...

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Iron Man is sexist

The fellas down at Marvel need to create an Iron Woman. She would use her super strength and agility to get even the toughest stains out of my office slacks.

Three kids are smoking behind the bike sheds at school!

Kid 1: "My Dad can blow smoke through his nose!"
Kid 2: "Yeah, well my Dad can blow smoke through his ears!"
Kid 3: "That's nothing, my Dad can blow smoke through his ass!!" I've seen the nicotine stains in his underpants!

What if tide pods..

Are just cleaning up people who should have been stains in the first place?

Why 6 was really afraid of 7

6 was just a normal girl, she met 7 on a dating app. They went out several times after that and a few dates later 7 proposed. 6 was ecstatic, they got married within the month and when they moved into a new house they quickly made friends with their neighbors, 9 and 10. 6 soon noticed strange behavi...

A priest and a nun are sitting at a dinner table, eating spaghetti

With every bite, the nun, a notoriously sloppy eater, spills sauce on her clothing.




The priest says to the nun, "You've got some stains on your tunic," to which the nun replies, "It's a dirty habit."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Roman army was making it's way through Scotland... [long]

Their march was interrupted by a frenzied shouting in the distance. The general ordered his men to stop and directed his attention towards the source of the noise. A single highland warrior was standing alone at the top of a small hill, yelling at the oncoming army.

"Come ahead ya big Jessies...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man woke up after a hard night of partying

He goes to take a piss and sees he has two stains around his dick, a red stain and a brown stain.

Freaking out he rushed straight to the doctor to get checked out.

The doctor checks him out and says let me run a couple tests.

The doctor comes back a few minutes later and says, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on trial for murdering his wife...

The judge looks down and reads the charges, "The defendant, Mr. William Jones, has been charged with bludgeoning his wife to death with a hammer. How do you plead?"

Before the defendant can answer a man at the back of the room cries out, "YOU BASTARD!"

"Order in this court room!" the j...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.