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Limbs Jokes

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I?

A liar.

A guy walked into a prosthetic limbs store.

He picked up a false shoulder, arm and wrist.

The store attendant asked "Would you like a hand with that?"

Did you hear about the guy cutting limbs off of fugitives??

He's been accused arboring criminals...

If an octopus is called an octopus because of its eight limbs, what would you call an octopus with only seven limbs?

An amputee.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

What do you call a kid with an eyepatch and no limbs?

Names.

I'm thinking of opening a shop which sells used artificial limbs

Call it the second hand second hand store

Why are prosthetic limbs so in fashion?

Anyone can pull them off

Obi-Wan cuts off so many limbs

he cuts off Darth Maul's legs

he cuts off Savage Opress' arm

he cuts off Grivous' hands

he cuts off many of Anakin's limbs

and so many random people in bars have lost their limbs to Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan is a menace.

Considering that he is now dead and exis...

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at varying levels.

The monkeys at the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces, whereas the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

There’s a guy selling prosthetic limbs on my street.

He’s an arms dealer.

You shouldn’t make fun of pets with artificial limbs.

It’s a faux paw

Went to buy prosthetic limbs today.

Needless to say, it cost an arm and a leg.

It's not a privilege for bears to have limbs.

They have the right to bear arms.

As an amputee, I asked the doctor how much prosthetic limbs would cost.

He said an arm and a leg.

What do you call someone who sells synthetic limbs?

An arms dealer

I got thrown out of the amputee club for having all of my limbs

In my opinion that was an unfair dismemberment

There's only one place you can find someone with no limbs.

Right where you left them.

What do you call an Irish dwarf whose limbs keep falling off?

A Leper-chaun.

I used to know how to attach severed limbs back on a torso.

But I just can’t remember anymore.

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A man with three prosthetic limbs walks into a bar.

The bartender asks: “what happened to your arms and your leg?”

The man replied: “Last week I was in an accident and lost my right arm, 3 days ago another accident caused me to lose my right leg, and yesterday I get into another accident and lose my left arm. So either I’m literally falling ap...

What do you call a a tree after you've cut off the limbs?

An amputree

Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.

I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

Scientists have now made cybernetic limbs available to the public!

Unfortunately, they'll cost you an arm and a leg.

Did you hear about the new store where you can plug in robotic limbs?

It's great even though they charge an arm and a leg.

My friend runs a very successful business making prosthetic limbs and exporting them worldwide.

He is an International Arms dealer.

What do you call when two soldiers with both upper limbs lost and are still fighting one another?

An unarmed conflict

What do you call a dog with no limbs?

Doesn't really matter it won't come anyway

Did you hear about the soldier with 8 limbs?

He was army

What do you call a lap dance from a girl with 3 or less limbs?

Amputease

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An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone. So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list. His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.


"Ho...

What do you call a gang of people paralyzed in all four limbs?

Squadriplegic.

In the distant past your limbs would simply be cut off if you got an infection

This was the med-evil period

I hear there is an academy for people who want to learn how to graft limbs onto trees.

I want to start a new branch.

What do you call the deaf man with no limbs?

Whatever you want.

Why did Gordon Freeman's vehicle dismember the metrocop and pulverize his limbs?

Because he was driving a Combine harvester.

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A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if ther...

Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?

He didn’t have a leg to stand on

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

What's the difference between a little guy with a pot o' gold and a big gathering where people's limbs are falling off?

One's a leprechaun and the other's a leper-con.

21st birthday

A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs.

On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his throat - and poof! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head.

His fri...

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A suicidal man

had enough of being unhappy and decided to jump off his balcony. He went out to the balcony and grabbed the rail while looking up to the sky for a sign. Something in the corner of his eye catches his attention. He lowers his gaze and sees his armless neighbor, who lives in the building across the st...

The price of victory

I wrote this joke in a book I published recently.

>“Would you like to hear a joke I wrote about seafood?”
>
>“Sure.”
>
>***A man went to a restaurant and ordered lobster. When the plate was placed before him, the lobster was in numerous pieces. The man asked...

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You and 2 friends of yours walk through a forest

after a while you lot stumble upon a hut, from which a weird old lady, resembling a witch, comes out from. She slowly says
*"...do not step on the purple flower..."*
and then goes back into her hut.

A little confused, you exchange looks with your friends, shrug, and keep walking.
...

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a conc...

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A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wo...

Two starving men are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat...

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other man, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second man, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
"...

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Doctor: "Sir, I have some terrible news for you..."

Doctor (cont.): " Your wife has been in a terrible car accident. We had to amputate two of her limbs. She has a tracheotomy. She will not be able to talk.. You will have to care for her, help her get to the bathroom, bathe her, get her medications. She will need full time care."

Man: "OH do...

Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs?

Mistook them for moose limbs.

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Born without a Torso

A young couple goes through the heartbreak of giving birth to a baby who has no torso--the poor lad is just a head. Still, they are good parents and raise him with love, hoping for a breakthrough from medical science. Then, just before the boy's fifth birthday, the parents get a call from their doct...

Have you heard of this bad doctor?

When people's limbs get cut off he replaces them, but with other animals' limbs.

One of his patients was really angry at this, and decided to call the doctor. After multiple profanities the patient said that if he finds the doctor he will kill him with his bear hands.

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A man was walking down the street when his son asks him a question.

"Dad, why is that guy wearing a robot leg?"

"It's a prosthetic leg," the father explains. "They go where real limbs used to be."

Confused, the son asks, "Did mum used to have a penis?"

"No son," the dad replies. "Why'd you ask?"

"She has one in her drawer."

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What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer.

What do you call a blind deer with no limbs?

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a castrated blind deer with no limbs?

Still no fucking eye deer.

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An armless and legless woman was lying down at a beach.

An armless and legless woman was lying down at a beach. A man happens to walk by and she gets his attention.

"Excuse me, honey. All my life I've been without limbs and nobody wants to be with me. The only thing I want is to be fucked. Would you be willing to help?"

So the man picks up ...

A turtle is standing on tree branch and looks around

Then she jumps. But no matter how much she waves her limbs she of course falls down. Undeterred she climbs up again, climbs on tree branch and jumps again. And of course crashes to the ground again. Yet again she climbs up, ready to jump again. Two pigeons are looking at her and one turns to other "...

A kid is born with no body...

So a child is born with no body or limbs, he's just a head. The doctor tells the parents that he seems to be in perfectly good health otherwise and after a few days in the hospital they all go home.

The kid grows up perfectly fine as just a head, and eventually reaches his 21st birthday, so ...

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An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

A dark riddle.

What has four limbs in the morning, two limbs in the afternoon, and is dead by evening?


A disobedient slave.

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