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Eyelash Jokes

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

Its really hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously.

It's like watching 2 tarantulas scream for attention.

If you remove everyone's eyelashes, no one bats an eye.

But if you remove everyone's brains, everyone loses their minds.

Ladies...No guy has ever said...

I'd screw her, if her eyelashes were a little longer.

Eyelashes are meant to stop things getting in your eyes. But whenever you get something in your eye, it's usually an eyelash.

How eye-ronic!

Was walking with my friend when an eyelash got in my eye and he offered me his handkerchief

Told him bro that would be so uneyegeinic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

"Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer"

They should make condoms...

Baby camel asks its mother

Baby camel: Why do we have these humps on out backs?

Mother camel: We store water there for when we walk long distances in desert and we don't have water for days.

Baby camel: Ok. What are our long eyelashes for?

Mother camel: When there is a sandstorm, they stop sand from enter...

I hate how eyelashes, the thing that's supposed to keep things out of your eyes, keep getting into your eyes.

It's rather eyeronic, if you ask me.

A duck walks into a bar

The barman says "Good morning, whats your name?"
The Duck responds "Good morning, My name is Dewie"
The barman asks, "How has your day been?" As he pours the duck a drink
The duck responds "Great, ive been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
The barman replies "Q...

3 Ducks Walk into a Bar ...

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.

“Huey,” was the reply.

“How’s your day been Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

What else could a duck want?” said Huey

“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartende...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young camel is walking around with its mother

He says: "Mom, why do we have two humps?" The mom thinks for a second and replies: "Well, my son, we use it to store fat. In the desert food can be quite scarce so the fat in our humps helps us survive."

After a few moments the little camel says: "Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" Th...

An eye is going to anger management

The counselor asks the eye “why are you currently in anger management?” To which the eye responds “Eyelash out at people when I get angry and I can’t stop.”

Camel Joke

A young camel asks his mother
“Why do I have a big hump on my back”
The mother replies
“You use it to store water when your in the desert”
“That’s cool” says the young camel “ And why do I have these big hooves”
The mother answers “Your hooves stop you from sinking in the quicksand w...

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day....

They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, "Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks." The women each look at each other confusingly. St. Pete opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman at grocery store proceeds to the check out...

She greet the male cashier with a friendly smile and starts placing her groceries on the belt.

She places on the belt a single banana, a single serve tinned soup, and a microwave meal for one.

The cashier scans her items, turns to the lady and says “So, single are you?”

The ...

A baby camel and his mother were lying around

A mother and a baby camel were lying around, and suddenly the baby camel asked, “mother, may I ask you some questions? Mother said, “Sure! Why son, is there something bothering you? Baby said, “Why do camels have humps?” Mother said “Well son, we are desert animals, we need the humps to store water ...

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when ....

...the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"Okay," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelas...

A lady selling makeup at Macy's wouldn't stop bothering me.

Boy, eyelashed out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Baby camel asks his mother...

-mum,why do we have a hump?

-because,son,we need it to store water.

Baby camel thinks about it for 5 minutes and then says:

-mum,why are our eyelashes so long?

-because,son, they protect us from sand.

Baby again thinks for 5 minutes before it says:

-mum,why ...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of hundred dollar bills...

Guy asks the bartender, "What's the jar of hundred dollar bills for?"

Bartender says "Can't tell you until you've put in the cash."

Guy has a few beers, starts feeling ballsy, so he puts in the money.

Bartender tells him "So you can win this jar of bills, easily 10 grand, but yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every eveni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Raunchy One!

A horny American is walking along Jalan Bukit Bintang, in Kuala Lumpur one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one
of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-trade.

"How much do you charge?", asks he....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman goes appliance shopping...

... and upon arrival at the department store, she decides to take advantage of a sale that she sees. She calls over an employee and points to the marked-down price.

"I'd like to buy this television," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"I'm truly very sorry, miss," the employee tells her,...

You know what I want

A guy taking a overnight train settles down in his bunk in the sleeper car, he hears someone climb into the bunk below him. He looks down behind the curtain, its a beautiful blonde woman. She takes off her blouse and removes her falsies, she takes off her false eyelashes, she removes a fake eye, tak...

Terrorize Telemarketer

Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the m...

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

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