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Foreplay Jokes

Kissing lead to foreplay...

She liked it when I used one finger,

She: "Now use two fingers"

Me: "Yeah you like that?"

She: "Now stick your hand in..."

Me: "Oh babe, you're kinky"

She: "Two hands now..."

Me: 😦"okay...."

She: "Now clap...

Me: "I can't..."

She: 😏 "I...

What did the newscaster say after he finished foreplay?

This just in!

I told my girlfriend I didn't see her blink during foreplay.

She said she didn't have time.

I once dated a HTML student that liked foreplay.

She always put head first.

I watched a video on how to improve my foreplay

It wasn't too bad once I skipped past the boring part at the beginning.

My girlfriend asked me about my foreplay technique.

She asked why I always start with her nipple.

I told her I like to get straight to the point.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?

They don't want to miss it.

What’s the similarity between foreshadowing and foreplay?

Either way you know something is coming.

What do vegans do for foreplay?

Toss each other's salads of course.

Does Indiana Jones like foreplay?

No, he just whips it out.

What's Jewish foreplay?

20 minutes of haggling....

I know I'm doing something wrong when it comes to foreplay

But I can't quite put my finger on it

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My girlfriend won't let me spank her butt during foreplay, so I glued her butt cheeks together...

Well, if you can't beat them, join them.

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Fellas, always remember the importance of foreplay...

...when done correctly, a boob in hand gets two balls in the bush!

A married couple is lying in bed one night....

A married couple is lying in bed one night.


The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interv...

So you're telling me you don't like foreplay...

but you let your dishes soak for days before finally doing them?

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What do flowers do for foreplay?

Floral sex.

What does Wonder Woman call foreplay?

Amazon Prime.

Things got a bit freaky during foreplay the other night.

I thought I heard someone entering the morgue.

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A hammer’s preferred foreplay…

Fingerbangin’

I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay techniques....

I had to fast forward through all the boring bits in the beginning though.

My wife told me to improve on my foreplay technique.

Needless to say, I went golfing straight away.

Foreplay is like pancakes...

three minutes on each side.

My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay (NSFW)

I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra

I got stabbed 23 times

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How is foreplay like a movie?

You need a trailer for what’s cumming soon

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A Sapiosexual couple's foreplay

Involves blowing each other's minds

What are the 3 hottest things you can do to a woman during foreplay?

1. Vacuum
2. Dishes
3. Laundry

School is the foreplay of life

You can't rush it.

What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay?

Putin! Putin!

Husband and wife are in bed and the husband starts in on the foreplay.

She stops him and says even though she wants to, she can't tonight. Why not asks the husband. Cause I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be nice and fresh.

Alright says the husband. He sits there for a moment and then says.

Well you ain't going to the den...

Why shouldn’t you do foreplay with French women?

Because they don’t like to beat around the bush

What foreplay does the praying mantis girlfriend enjoys ?

Being given head.

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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

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A husband gets into bed with his wife.

A husband gets into bed with his wife. He's feeling especially horny and starts kissing and caressing her. A couple minutes into foreplay and the wife stops her husband.

"Sorry, honey we can't do it tonight. I have an appointment with my gynecologist in the morning."

The husband rolls ...

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two women are chatting in the office....

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled o...

What do Muslim men do during foreplay?

Tickle the goat under the chin.

My girlfriend said I should work on my foreplay.

But now I'm at the range she won't stop phoning me.

What does Lenny (of Mice and Men) do during foreplay?

Heavy petting.

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

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Good sex or bad sex?

Two women are talking:

“How was the sex last night?” one asks.

“A catastrophe! My husband came from work, had dinner in 3 minutes, after we had 4 minutes sex, he was deep sleep 2 minutes after! That fucker! And yours, How was it? “

”My, was AMAZING! My husband took me out for a...

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Wife said my New Year resolution needs to be to have more romance and sex

As a good husband I booked an expensive suite for a long weekend in a posh hotel. I got dressed up, bought some sexy lingerie for her and some cosplay outfits. Got some viagra so I could perform all night long.

Romantic dinner on a French restaurant, candle light dinner and was amazing. She w...

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Foreplay

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You j...

Walking on stage to a round of applause is a lot like foreplay.

Both involve a warm hand on my entrance.

What’s the difference between a chestnut and a walnut?

Depends on the amount of foreplay.

So last night I had to do every married man's worst nightmare, defrost the fridge.

Or as she likes to call it, foreplay.

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Two women talk about their last night sex

Two women talk about their last night sex:

-So, how was your sex yesterday?

-It was crap… My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, then we fucked for 4 minutes and after two minutes he fell asleep. And how was yours?

-I had a wonderful evening yesterday. My husband cam...

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Another penis joke

A big man who had a reputation for having a large member met a stunning lady one evening.

Later they decided to sleep together - when the man undressed the woman started laughing when she saw the word MINI tattooed on his penis, the man was not bothered at all.

Later, after some fore...

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Corona virus and sex NSFW

This coronavirus is really hurting my sex life. My foreplay game just isn’t the same since I can only use my elbows.

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NSFW A Trip to the Dentist

A man takes his girlfriend to his house to have some alone time. A few minutes into the Netflix and chill, things start to heat up. The man and his girlfriend start off with a little foreplay but it quickly escalates to a lot of 69.
After they finish their business the man tells his girlfriend t...

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Ever heard a joke with a moral?

A mosquito is flying above the surface of a lake. Beneath it, in the water, there is a salmon swimming. It sees the mosquito and thinks to itself: "If only it would fly a little lower, i could jump out of the water and catch it." On the shore, there is a bear standing quietly and thinks to itself: "...

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I invented a new sex position " The G.R.R.Martin"

I give her the best foreplay and when she's ready to finish it's all just a slap in her face.

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Why do women fake orgasms?

Because men fake foreplay.

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Why are Golfers so good at sex?

They’re great at foreplay.

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New sex technique

A man and his wife are in bed and things start to heat up. After a little bit of foreplay the man suddenly stops. His wife asks "What's wrong? Is it me?" The man replies " No I learned this on Pornhub, it's called buffering."

What came before the Big Bang?

The Big Foreplay.

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A guy and a gal link up in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they go back to her place.

Things get heavy pretty quickly on the sofa, and they go into the bedroom.

After some foreplay, as the guy is about to attempt entry, the gal screams: "Your toe! Your toe!"

The fellow doesn't quite understand and asks what she...

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There was a very rich man who hired a prostitute....

The rich guy had a strange fetish, he liked to see people have sex with horses.
The prostitute was a bit embarrassed but agreed to do it.
As the prostitute undressed, the rich man told her to start with a bit of foreplay. The prostitute started jerking the horse off and from the excitement t...

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I lost my virginity to a girl on her period.

The foreplay gave me cotton mouth.

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A guy is out looking for a hooker for the night...

...one of them offers him a 69. He'd never heard of this sex act before, so he decides to hire this lady and try it out.

They got to his house, got undressed and started the foreplay. They then got into the 69 position and began pleasuring each other, unfortunately the hooker got too excited ...

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A man and his wife get into bed for the night.

A man and his wife get into bed for the night. The wife curls up and closes her eyes, ready for sleep. The husband puts on his bed lamp, to read a book. As he reads, he reaches over and fondles his wife’s pussy for a minute or two. The wife rolls over with a smile and starts taking off her nightgown...

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Toes

Fellow picks up a girl in a bar, takes her home, they kiss, they make out, one thing leads to another and there they are, in bed, naked.

After some exciting foreplay, the fellow is about to consummate the deed, when the girl moans: "your toe, I want your toe!"

"EH?" the fellow responds...

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Do you know the story about the salmon in the mountain lake?

Imagine. A snow topped mountain, evergreen forests, clear blue skies, a beautiful lake reflecting the light of the sun.



Well in that lake, there was a salmon. Above the salmon a fly was buzzing around.


The salmon thinks: "if that fly flies ten centimeters lower, I can catc...

One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar

. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference.
After about an hour, the man says to the
woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
Considerin...

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My wife wants me in better shape.

We started implementing work out routines into our foreplay.

I do sit ups while performing cunnilingus.

Crunch and Munch.

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A mosquito flies above a river...

In the river there is a fish.
The fish thinks: If that mosquito just flies down a little bit, i can jump and eat that mosquito

Next to the river sits a bear
The bear thinks: If that mosquito flies down a little bit, and the fish grabs it. I can grab the fish.

Behind the bear in t...

Go down a water slide when it isn't wet.

And then you'll understand the importance of foreplay.

A short guide to extreme BDSM

Some couples like what they have. Others want to experiment. This is a quick and simple (and dirty) tutorial for some extreme [BDSM](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM) play in a young couple's bedroom.

As far as special equipment goes... well, it'll become obvious as you read.

Step ze...

Apparently, In Sweden parents aren't allowed to spank their kids.

Like that would bother me, I don't do foreplay.

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NSFW - Man goes to a brothel (long)

A man goes to a brothel and asks for the most experienced woman they have.
The madam introduces him to a nice lady, he agrees and they go to the room.


During foreplay the man starts fingering the woman, starting with one finger.
Since the girl is a bit big and doesn't seem ...

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The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

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The old guy at an old-timer's dance

There's this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem is that he hasn't scored any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't got any action.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. H...

Jesus and Peter are getting a little bored

[NSFW] Jesus and Peter are getting a little bored up in heaven, so they decide to head on down to earth for a little fun. The get dressed in their gladrags (Peter points out to Jesus his boots aren't so stylish these days) and head off to a club. So they don't cramp each other's style, the separat...

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A UFO crashes on a farm

A loud noise is heard outside of a remote farm house and startles a middle-aged farmer and his wife. The farmer walks out to see a UFO. He walks up to the UFO and find out the aliens are peaceful, completely naked and have fairly human bodies. The farmer attempts to communicate with them and the ali...

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A sequence of events...

There once was a fly hovering above a pond who wanted to drop an inch to eat some food. In that pond was a frog who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch I can jump and eat them!”. Under the water there was a fish who said to themself “If that fly drops an inch that frog will jump for it and I...

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A Jamaican, an Italian, and Jew.

So these three long time friends meet at the pub every Sunday night for beers and a chat to close out the week.

One of these Sunday nights the conversation turns to sex, and as some bragging starts happening they decide to challenge each other to a sexual prowess contest. They agree to meet ...

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Here's a joke about a cat

One day a fish notices a fly buzzing a bit downstream just over the water. The fish thinks to itself "If I swim down river I'll be able to jump up and eat that fish for dinner."

A bear also notices this fly and thinks to itself "If I wait near the river a fish will jump up and eat the fly and...

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Little Fisherman

Somewhere near a big lake lives Jon together with his cat.

Early in the morning Jon wakes up, washes his face and goes to the kitchen. He takes his bag of bread, takes out a few slices and butters them up. puts some cheese on it and stores them is his bread box. Picks up his fishing pole an...

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Once there was a woman...

that had such a strong sexual drive that she couldn't find the right husband so she decided to have a contest of who can fuck her the hardest and make her orgasm.

3 people arrived. A black person, a white person and an Asian.

Both the black man and the white man looked at the Asian and...

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Sex Drive (Long)

A older man was walking through a antique store when he saw a lamp having a laugh to himself he picked it up and rubbed it. All of a sudden a genie burst out of it almost giving him a heart attack. The genie told the man since he freed him he was willing to give him a single wish. The man pondere...

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The Bro Quiz (NSFW)

The Bro Quiz

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a lovemaking
b screwing
c the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a your views about what you e...

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Wife dies due to misunderstanding

Jim had met the woman of his dreams, a beautiful woman from India. After a brief courtship they got married. As Jim was old fashioned they had intercourse for the first time in their wedding night.
Jim was understandably excited to be with his beautiful wife for the first time and was anxious ...

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A Fresh College Graduate Celebrates In a Bar **Nasty**

A young man is celebrating his recent graduation from college with a few buddies in a bar. As the evening progresses, their drunkeness increases as well. Soon they notice an elderly lady sitting at the end of the bar, drowning her sorrows.

Eventually, one of his buddies dares him to go ov...

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A man finally get out of jail...

...after spending 28 years on the inside for multiple felonies. And just like any other male that hasn't touched a woman after 28 years, he wanted to get some ass. Unfortunately this guy had gotten taken to jail with only $40, so that is what he had when he was released.
Without wasting anytim...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

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We all know that one girl...

A man and a woman are having sex. The man is fingering the woman to get a little foreplay going. As hes fingering her, she grabs him and whispers in his ear "I like fisting.."

The man grins and proceeds to inserting his fist. The woman moans in enjoyment, but says "Deeper,". He proceeds to sl...

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

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