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Isaac Jokes

Isaac Newton: "Gravity exists"

*drops mic*

Isaac Newton liked them thicc

He said "The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction."

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isaac newton died a virgin.

This means that i have a 1 up on one of history's greatest scientific geniuses. Im not dead

Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*

Car roof: *slaps Isaac Newton*

What would you call Isaac Newton if he were a dog?

Isaac Snooton

An apple falls on Isaac Newton's head

He shakes his fist at the sky and says, "There should be a law!"

Sir Isaac Newton walks into his office…

And says.. ..I like them thicc af.

…But Sir, we can’t say that!

Sir Isaac Newton: Then say this “ The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction.”

Sir Isaac Newton was completely WRONG about apples

They don't fall to the ground because of gravity.

It's natural selection.

Trees that produce apples that fall upwards don't have offspring

Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? " to which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"

Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!"
Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!"
Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replie...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under an apple tree pondering as to why things always fell to the ground…

And then it hit him.

Isaac and the Catholic School

Abraham, an Orthodox Jew, has a 13 year old son named Isaac.

Isaac keeps getting sent home from school again for bad behavior. Abraham is at his wits end and doesn’t know what to do. He talks it over with his Catholic neighbor, Frank.

“I don’t know what to do with him,” sighs Abraham...

A friend of mine thinks that Isaac Newton is joke and was never born.

I told him that Newton was very important for inventing the laws of motion and calculus (which I wish he never had). He still didn't get how important he is in history. I guess he didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

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Isaac Newton died a virgin

The man who discovered gravity didnt even go down

Did you know that Isaac Newton was actually Canadian?

He had to have been. He proved that F=M, eh.

Given Isaac Newton's links to the slave trade,

perhaps we ought to abolish gravity.

It would be a weight off his shoulders.

Isaac newton, pascal, and Einstein are playing hide and seek.

They decide that Einstein is to count. He closes his eyes and slowly starts to count to ten. Pascal immediately takes off and hides behind a tree. Sir Isaac Newton calmly crouches down and draws a 1*1 meter square on the ground, and then steps onto it.

When Einstein finishes counting, he imme...

Isaac Newton in court

"He hit me equally as hard back your honor!"

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My friend told me I was smart enough to be the next Isaac Newton...

Well Newton died a lonely virgin so clearly I'm doing something right

The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.

Apparently, it was a Dyson.

Sir Isaac Newton dies

Everybody: ma

What is Isaac Newton's favorite TV show?

Gravity Falls

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When I was a little kid my father told me that I'm gonna be like Isaac Newton

How the fuck did he know that I'm gonna die virgin?

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal were playing hide and seek in heaven..

It was Einstein's turn to find them.

Pascal went and hide behind the bushes.

But Newton just stood on a 1M *1M tile..

Einstein came out and shouted "Newton, you are out!"

Newton replied " No, actually you are out, as I am Pascal"

Einstein: "Elaborate..."

"As...

When asked about the greatest of all his amazing accomplishments, Sir Isaac Newton cited the discovery of gravity.

He said it helped him keep his feet on the ground.

Why didn't Isaac Newton drink wine?

He knew better than to drink and derive.

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Werner Heisenberg, Georg Ohm, Galileo Galilei, Max Planck, and Louis de Broglie were carpooling to work...

...when they got pulled over for speeding. However, when the police officer tried to ask them how fast they were going, he couldn't get a straight answer, and the group was so rowdy that they had to be brought in for questioning.

So all 7 of them are taken to the police station, and individua...

Why do I think Sir Isaac Newton was such a chill guy?

I don't know, he just seemed pretty down-to-Earth to me.

What happened when Isaac Newton met the apple?

He found the apple was a surprisingly down-to-Earth kinda guy.

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Isaac neutron died a virgin

I guess you could say he wasn’t very attractive

Isaac stood at the door of the synagogue, with an outstretched hand, asking:

"Donate a coin for charity! Donate a coin for charity!"

Then comes the Rabbi: "Hey, Isaac, what are you doing?"

Isaac: "Rabbi, I'm raising money for a widow, mother of three little boys, who's 3 months behind in rent. If she doesn't pay 1,500 Euro by the end of the day, she's going to ...

Two groups of rabbis were having an argument at a synagogue...

Rabbi Isaac said: "Fourteen other rabbis here agree with me, Rabbi Herschel, please just accept our position."

Rabbi Herschel begins to pray along with two other rabbis who take his side, when all of a sudden, a great booming voice says: "I am Adonai, the Lord, and Rabbi Herschel is right" an...

Why didn't Isaac Newton dodge the apple?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

How did Isaac Newton formalize calculus?

He went out on a lim.

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Christians have the first name Christian, Muslims Mohammed, Jews Isaac, what boys name do atheist have?

Godfrey

A feghoot by Isaac Asimov.

"Feghoot watched with interest as a husband and wife were brought in, charged with disturbing the peace. During a religious observation, when for twenty minutes the congregation was supposed to maintain silence, while concentrating on their sins and visualizing them as melting away, the woman had su...

Another: Isaac Asimov's "Death of a Foy"

It was extremely unusual for a Foy to be dying on Earth. They were the highest social class on their planet (with a name which was pronounced -- as nearly as Earthly throats could make the sounds -- Sortibackenstrete) and were virtually immortal.


Every Foy, of course, came to voluntary de...

I had a party for the worlds greatest historical figures, here are their RSVPs

Isaac Newton: "I'll drop in."

Socrates: "I'll think about it."

Charles Darwin: "I'll wait to see what evolves."

Marie Curie: "I am radiating enthusiasm."

Ivan Pavlov: "I'm positively drooling at the thought."

Albert Einstein: "It will ...

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Son of a bitch fish

On the last day of his vacation, the priest landed a monster; he struggled for long minutes wrestling the fish into the boat, and when he did, his guide exclaimed, “Wow, that’s the biggest son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever seen come out of this lake!”

“Son, it’s true it’s a fine fish, but you needn’t ...

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A joke written by the AI, ChatGPT

The sky above the port was the color of a moldy jellyfish, a sickly green that made everyone below feel nauseous. But a group of rebellious clowns, led by the hapless hero Isaac Newton, had a plan to bring some joy to the dreary sky. Using a circus tent and a lot of helium, they intended to lift the...

Who was the first Jedi?

Isaac Newton, he's the one who discovered the Force.

Albert Einstein, Issac Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.

Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.

Einstein's countdown ends. 3.......

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide-and-seek

Einstein decides to be the seeker and begins counting. Pascal immediately runs to a closet and hides inside. Newton doesn't run or try to hide. Instead he takes some tape, makes a box on the ground, and steps inside. Einstein finishes counting and turns around to see Newton standing like an idiot....

A Jewish couple win the lottery...

The wife asks “Isaac - what are going to do about all the begging letters?

Isaac says “We keep sending them!”

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Lee Smart was always a trouble maker throughout his life.

In school, Lee Smart was always getting in trouble. His friend, Isaac, always stuck by his side, though. They were always best friends.

Though Isaac was getting sick of Lee’s crap. Lee kept drinking and driving, he kept smoking Marijuana and snorting Cocaine. Isaac was so close to just leavi...

If you have semi good knowledge of science this might be funny to you.

Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein and Blaise Pascal were playing hide and seek. Albert was seeking, Newton and Pascal were hiding. When Albert goes out to seek he finds Isaac outside where he has drawn a square around himself. Albert asks Newton "What kind of hiding place is that Newton?" and Newton rep...

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I've opened a bakery recently

and a lady phoned me up, wanting a cake with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY I SUCK COCKS' written on it.

I thought it was weird but made it anyway.

Mrs Cox was absolutely furious when I delivered it.

So was her son, Isaac.

Gravity

Sir Isaac Newton, genius scientist, father of gravity, and inventor of calculus: Why do things fall?

Me, a fellow Batman enthusiast: So they can learn to pick themselves back up.

Two factory workers talking: Woman

Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?”

Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”


Two factory workers talking...

What was the name of that really annoying scientist?

Isaac Nuisance

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All anti-semites

Young Isaac knocks on his boss's door.
Boss: "come in!, yes Isaac what can i do for you?"
Isaac: "I can't work here anymore! I quit! Everyone who work here is anti-semite!"
Boss: "What? What are you talking about? I guess there might be one or two, but everyone? come on, it's ridiculous!"...

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A boy and his teacher

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 2.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 8.
I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 8".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with...

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Old man Finklestein is dying.

Old man Finklestein is dying. He was diagnosed with cancer a month ago, and had told no one but his dear wife, Sadie.

It is a week before the doctors told him he would kick the bucket, and he had straightened out his will and finances, so he decided to tell his best friend, Mr. Ginsberg.
<...

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Two Amish men want to sell part of their brood of chickens

So, they decide to make their way to the market in the center of a large town nearby.

The younger of the two men has never been outside their small community, and is subsequently very excited and also quite nervous.

Rather than taking a full horse and buggy, they decide to ride a don...

Today we celebrate the birthday of a man who changed the way we see and understand the magic of the universe.

Happy Birthday Isaac Newton.

Synagogue Dog

A jewish guy walks into his synagogue on Yom Kippur with with his dog. The rabbi stops him at the door and says "Moishe, what's the matter with you? You can't bring a dog in here."

"Don't worry, Rabbi," replies Moishe, "Isaac here is just as orthodox as I am, and he's come to pray." And as s...

Best Student reply to Teacher

Physics Teacher: “Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn’t that wonderful?”

Student: “Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn’t have discovered anything.”

"What an age-appropriate joke for /r/funny"

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, and his family is gathered around him. He's too weak to lift his head or even open his eyes, but he can talk to his family.


"Rachel, my beloved wife of fifty-seven years. The love of my life, my soulmate, the woman God created me to be with, are you h...

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