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Cuddle Jokes

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I would rather cuddle then have sex...

...You'll get it if you are good with grammar

The other night, I asked a woman If she wanted to come back to my place for a cuddle.

She said, "There will be no spooning. There will definitely be no forking. But if you talk to me again, there will be a knifing."

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

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Every night I have a different cat cuddle up in bed with me right on my crotch.

That genies an asshole.

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Why do robots never cuddle after sex?

Because all a robot does is nuts and bolts.

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

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I'd rather cuddle than have sex

*then

What do you call a cuddle with only one person?

A cddle, because u weren't there

My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies.".

So, I spanked her and came in her hair.

I think we watch different movies.

Why didn't Neo ever cuddle Trinity from behind in bed?

Because there is no spoon.

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

A married couple with kid gets h*rny...

on a Sunday morning and thinks about how they can have some time to "cuddle". So they tell their son to go stand on the balcony and look if he can see something new going on in the neighbourhood.

So their son stands on the balcony and they get going. After a few minutes he yells: "Dad, dad! T...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

Cuddling

“I cuddle with my husband about two or three times a week.”

“Yeah? Me just once.”

“Oh, but wait, I thought you were single.”

“Ah I see. I thought we were talking about your husband.”

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VR porn is amazing but you can’t cuddle in it

There is no spoon

Why did the nurse cuddle with her locked-in syndrome patients right after their sponge bath?

Because she likes her vegetables at the peak of freshness

After a romantic dinner, a couple cuddled up for some discussion

Husband: Am I the only one you've been with?
Wife: Yeah, the rest were eight or nine

A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…

…after many weeks without the touch of a woman - the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous, and...

One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody...

Unless you’re in prison

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Wife: “You stayed and cuddled for a full 30 minutes after sex! That’s a record!”

Husband: “I think I can get it down to 5!”

(True story).

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A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex

One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!"

Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and sh...

A mondegreen courtesy of a four year old

I was listening to pop, folk and soft rock music from the 60s and 70s the other day, artists like Cat Stevens, Simon and Garfunkel, and the Doobie Brothers. My granddaughter came in the room, climbed up on the bed, and cuddled up next to me.

She was listening very intently to the lyrics of on...

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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say '123,' and it...

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God created Adam and after a time God took a rib from Adam to create Eve

God says to Adam “I have taken your rib and from that I have created Eve, a woman. Adam, you are to love Eve.”
Adam asks God, “alright God, well what am I supposed to love Eve, a woman?”
God tells Adam “you can go and hold Eve’s hand, Adam. Here’s how.”
God explain how they should hold ha...

I'll have a club sandwich on rye.

Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion

What do you call an affectionate octopus?

A cuddle fish

My girlfriend's dog sprinted up to us wanting a cuddle.

"I love you, Henry," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

"I don't think so," she replied, "I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."

My wife cuddled up to me and said ‘Be my Han Solo.’

Now she’s not talking to me, cause I said ‘OK, Chewie.’

Whenever I meet a new girl things go great until they find out about my lettuce fetish. I like to stroke and kiss and cuddle those beautiful leafy heads of green.

Every time when they find out they refuse to join in and then they leave.

I guess I’m fated to forever romaine alone.

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My new girlfriend just said...

"After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.

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Italians do it better

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Luigi was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he...

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My GF is really starting to remind me of my dog...

We cuddle, I take her out every now and then, we walk together, I feed her...

And in exchange, we have sex!

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I have never actually made it to the end of a porn. What happens?

Do they cuddle?

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Two jews on their honeymoon

are in the honeymoon suite, having practiced abstinence, they really aren't sure what to do. So the groom calls his mom and says, "Mom we're in the honey moon suite what are we supposed to do?" she replies, "Get under the covers boobsies, kiss, cuddle, it'll happen", so they give it a shot and it re...

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A Couple Meet Online

They were both members of a senior chat site, and eventually started PMing each other, and then decided to meet in person.

That's when she discovered her mistake: she thought it was for seniors in college, where she was a cheerleader, but it was actually senior citizens. Her date was 73 year...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

No Contact?

Places seems to be advertising “No contact delivery”, and “No contact click n collect” a lot these days. Was there ever a contact option?..

“Thanks for the pizza, ready for the cuddle?”.

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Two women talk about their last night sex

Two women talk about their last night sex:

-So, how was your sex yesterday?

-It was crap… My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, then we fucked for 4 minutes and after two minutes he fell asleep. And how was yours?

-I had a wonderful evening yesterday. My husband cam...

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Today, I got up early...

...put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made coffee, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage, loaded my clubs into the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on ...

Some Memories You Can't Forget

I've always loved waking up to the warm feel of a body cuddled against mine.........Except when I was in prison

Q: what's the friendliest animal in the sea?

A cuddle-fish.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a toilet

The toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you dump a load in it.

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I got a private dance from a stripper.

When she was done, she gave me her phone number.

I said, "If I give you £50, will you come back to my place for a kiss and a cuddle?"

She said, "It will have to be more than that."

I said, "That's fine. What about sex?"

One evening I drove my sister home.

Her boyfriend and her cat Timmy were waiting there for her.

Me: "How's your chubby?"

Her: "Aw, you know him. Sometimes he is hungry. Sometimes he cries for attention if he is not sleeping. But if we ignore him good enough, he then jumps up onto the couch and cuddles with us. All in all...

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When I asked my husband what he wanted to do right before bed...

He told me he wanted to cuddle, hold hands, and talk about our feelings. I was a bit surprised, but I agreed to stay up and talk. He got into bed beside me, snuggled up, and held my hand. I said, "so, tell me what you feel" to which he replied "I feel like I wanna fuck".

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Since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely at times

Since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve been feeling pretty lonely at times. Last night it came to a head, lying naked and horny in bed I did something I haven’t needed to do for quite a long time. I rolled over and cuddled the wife.

50th wedding anniversary

To celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary, a couple returned to their honeymoon hotel.

After retiring to bed, the wife said, “Darling, do you remember how you stroked my hair?” and so he stroked her hair. She reminded him of the way they had cuddled, and so they did.

Then, ...

In hopes to try to get some free advertising a Department store holds an event for Single ladies that want to meet that "it" guy

On the main floor 1000's of ladies stand in line for their chance to meet single guys, the atmosphere is electric! Groups of ladies stand in line some laughing giddily amongst themselves with an excited look on their face. Peggy sue holds a small raffle ticket in hand that reads she is contestant 70...

Three punishments in hell

John after death was led to hell. The devil announced that they would lead the sinner to see three different punishments and had to choose one. The first room, the criminal was tortured in an oil cauldron. The second room, the sinner was burned on a blazing fire. Too scared, he asked to go to the la...

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A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

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