I HATE Amber alerts.

I already know what my car looks like.

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

What does Amber Heard and Santa have in common?

Hoe hoe hoe

Amber Alert keeps on calling my phone

I really don't need to know the color of my car.

How does Amber Heard like her eggs?

Beaten.

Stopped to offer directions to a guy. Me: "Yup. Just head up the road until you reach that green...no, amber...no, red light"

I could have just said traffic light.

Why couldn't Johnny fart in peace?

Why couldn't Johnny fart in peace?


Amber Heard.

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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Getting an AMBER Alert while on the toilet is like winning the lottery...

Since those things are designed to randomly scare the shit out of you.

A couple is arguing and breaking up

And he says:
- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?
- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!

Why did Amber Heard and Charlie Sheen's secret lovechild take his father's name instead of his mother's?

Because children should be sheen and not heard.

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What do you call a bird that beats the shit out of her husband?

Amber Bird.

A dog walks into a natural history museum

Asking for a piece of the new dinosaur exhibit to prove an important theory

In return the dog offered what looked like a tiny black speck encased in amber

The research assistant was visiting from Ireland and was very much out of his intellectual depth. Not wanting to seem ignorant, the...

I just got an AMBER alert that won't open...

It says: error 404 child not found

What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd

What do you call an 8 year old stuck in a closet?

I don't remember, but the amber alert called her Mary.

I have a question

Who's amber and why are they describing my car

Guys I just got my first shout-out

It was an Amber Alert about my van.

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Did you hear the one about the amber alert?

Neither did I, but should I allow the children out of my basement yet?

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Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down. ...

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My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers

So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...

You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:

"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"

Johnny Depp was talking to a friend one day. He explained he was experiencing some minor hearing loss but didn’t want people to know about it. But since yesterday the tabloids began reporting his secret issue, much to his distaste. His friend asked how the secret could’ve possibly gotten out.

Johnny Depp replied: “Rumor has it, Amber Heard.”

My son was dating a girl, Stephanie, that I wasn't really fond of...

The last time he brought her over to the house, I said with a smile 'Hi there Amber!' She had a look of horror. 'Sorry, I can't keep all these girls' names straight' I said with a grin. I haven't seen her since!

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NSFW A wealthy businessman goes to Vegas and orders a prostitute.

Moments later, he hears a knock on his hotel door, he answers, and in walks the most beautiful prostitute he has ever seen.

"Hi Honey, my name is Amber and I am here to service you" she says. "My only stipulation is that I do not do anal. Now, what would you like me to do first?"

"Ho...

My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today.

She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert

A union man is looking for a brothel.

He goes to the first one he sees and asks if it is a union establishment. “No” says the madam. “ Well, how much does the house get and how much does the worker get?”. The madam answers 90/10 and that doesn’t sit well with him.

The man continues down the road all with the same answer.

T...

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A man falls ill and misses days of work

As his paycheck is short he is unable to stop at the cantina and drink with his friends, upset he kicks an OLD tequila bottle releasing a decrepit looking jin.

"I am the tequila genie," says the jin "As you have released me I owe you, but as you can see I have lost much power and can only off...

What dating app do Catholic Priests use?

Amber Alerts.

A story of two blondes

Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.

"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself ...

The Carnival Date

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse.

"I want to get weighed," replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went o...

Dark as charcoal

A mother goes to the kindergarten to pick up her daughter.

She arrives to a nightmarish scene, the whole place is crawling with fireman, emergency vehicles and panicked parents, the kindergarten caught on fire, smoke everywhere.

She runs around frantically calling for her daughter: "Am...

Did she know that Elon Musk was cheating on her?

Yeah, Amber Heard

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A Well-Dressed Man Goes Into A Bar

He asks for some 15 year old cognac. The bartender pours and passes a glass, and the man takes a sip. He makes a face, and says "I specifically asked for 15 year old cognac, this is only 12 years old. This will not do."

So he asks for a glass of 21 year old scotch instead. The bartender passe...

An old blonde joke I was told years ago.

A blond driving down a rural road sees a wheat field and notices something strange, another blonde that appears to be swimming.

She pulls over, stands at the field and yells, "Excuse me what are you doing?". The other one replies, "I heard about the these amber waves of grain in a song and w...

A blonde visited a bar...

A blonde visited a bar for the first time, sat at the table in front of the bartender.

A guy at her left ordered, "Jack Daniels, Single"

A guy at her right ordered, "Johnny Walker, Single "

The bartender looked at the lady, said ,"and what about you?"

Lady replied,"Ambe...

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The Pope is in a hardware store. He goes up to the clerk and says...

"Wanna see a trick?"

"...I can turn anything I touch into a holy item. Watch."

He grabs a shovel, says a few words and sets it back down. Slowly it is surrounded by an amber glow.

"Wow! That's amazing," she says. "I'd like to offer you a job."

So, the Pope accepts her off...

Three learned gentlemen are discussing 'savoir faire'...(joke full of fuffery, told to me by a man who wore a fez all the time)

The first one takes a healthy belt of his brandy, leans back in his leather chair and says, "Mes amis! Savoir faire is something one does not learn easily. No sir! For example, a husband comes home earlier than he planned to. He opens the door and sees another man's coat hanging on the rack. Without...

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An Irishman, a Greek and a Jew are working on a construction site

An Irishman, a Greek and a Jew are working on a construction site. They are just finishing up lunch when an iron beam falls from above, killing them all.

In Heaven, Saint Peter greets the three workers. The Irishman remembers Saint Peter from his Catechism and immediately throws himself Saint...

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