UPJOKE
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C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer

He probably gets enough abuse from her as it is

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What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?

You've got to be shitting me.

what is Amber Heard's favorite board game?

**SCATAGORIE**

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

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I dated Amber Heard for a bit, but didn't sleep with her

Couldn't make it passed turd base

Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work

to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

What pronouns do Amber Heard’s lawyers prefer?

Hear/say

What do Amber Heard and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed on the cross.

What’s Amber Heard’s Sleep Number?

… number 2

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Say what you want about Amber Heard...

She is the only one who gave a shit in this relationship.

If I had a dollar for every time Amber Heard lied in court

I'd have enough money to fulfil her charity pledge.

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Just saw Amber Heard try to fake cry during the trial.

Can’t really tell if she’s a shitty actress or just a shitting actress.

Which company should hire Amber Heard as their next model ?

Pampers


Ps Original composed by me if anyone cares

The only way Amber Heard would get what she deserves...

is if she started telling jokes about Will Smith's wife.

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I can't believe DCU fans wanted to ban Amber Heard

From their movies there seems to be no better place to shit the bed.

What did Johnny Depp's lawyer say when they found Amber Heard's "bruise makeup kit" wasn't made before 2017?

Objection, lack of foundation

They keep calling the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial “defamation case”…

I think there’s a typo there.

Whats Amber Heards favorite YouTube video?

Chocolate Rain

Amber Heard just fired her interior decorator...

They disagreed about the color and placement of the stool in the bedroom.

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Johnny Depp claims amber heard or her friend pooped on his bed

This incident surely left a stain in their relationship...

Amber alert has a new meaning now thanks to Amber Heard

It's what the city sends to men when Amber is seen at a bar.

Don't you hate it when you get an Amber Alert

and you have to switch cars?

Part Spider, part Scorpion creature found in Amber

Johnny Depp is glad that he isn't that creature.

I HATE Amber alerts.

I already know what my car looks like.

Why did Amber Heard and Charlie Sheen's secret lovechild take his father's name instead of his mother's?

Because children should be sheen and not heard.

What’s the difference between Bigfoot and Amber Heard ?

Bigfoot won’t sh*t in your bed.

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Amber Heard's morning routine

1). Wake Up
2). Eat Breakfast
3). Take a shit
4). Get out of bed
5). Shower

Why doesn’t Amber Heard have kids?

She knows how to use a Johnny

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Amber Heard’s lawyer sure is having a hard time in this trial…

He really shit the bed with this one.

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What is Amber Heard's love language?

Turds of affirmation

What's the difference between Amber Heard's lawyer and Dory?

Dory at least takes a few seconds to forget an answer she recieved.

Why did the genie grant Johnny with Amber?

He asked to get hammered, but he got miss heard.

Believe all women. Really? ALL of them?

That’s the dumbest thing I’ve Amber Heard.

Johnny Depp's the one guy ...

....that could have used an Amber alert.

From now on instead of saying #1 or #2 for the bathroom

I'm going to call it an R. Kelly or Amber Heard

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What does Jurassic park and the Depp v. Heard Trial have in common?

They both feature Amber full of crap.

Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Amber Heard

Amber Heard Who?

Objection! Hearsay

Never name your daughter “Amber”

They seem to get abducted a lot.

What is Amber Heards favourite snack

A Saltine

What starts with an A and makes up everything?

Amber Heard.

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The moment I reached home,my wife was standing at the door and told "I got a call from "Amber" and she said she slept with you 5 times".

"Err... Wrong number," I replied. "It has to be a wrong number."

She pulled out her phone and showed the photo.

"Then,explain this !"

"Well, I'm not denying sleeping with her .But that dumb bitch is either bad in counting or memory. We slept 7 times so far".

I'm getting really sick of these Amber Alerts...

They either wake you up at three in the morning or broadcast your license plate to the whole world.

In the future, Jurassic Park starts to become a reality

There is a young, inexperienced employee who stumbles on a piece of amber, and immediately brings it to the laboratory. The scientist is confused, as this piece doesn't look like the others, so he goes off to the lab to date it.

The employee, unknowing of what it is still, starts to put it in...

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NSFW A wealthy businessman goes to Vegas and orders a prostitute.

Moments later, he hears a knock on his hotel door, he answers, and in walks the most beautiful prostitute he has ever seen.

"Hi Honey, my name is Amber and I am here to service you" she says. "My only stipulation is that I do not do anal. Now, what would you like me to do first?"

"Ho...

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What do they announce overhead when a patient poops in the bed in the hospital?

I Heard they call a Code Amber.

I’m just curious

How Johnny Depp reacts when he gets an Amber alert on his phone…🫣

A security company is designing a feature to warn the consumer

Of fecal matter in bed.

They have named the feature - Amber Alert

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

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Getting an AMBER Alert while on the toilet is like winning the lottery...

Since those things are designed to randomly scare the shit out of you.

I know this guy that fixes traffic lights for a living. He's just recently got a new girlfriend.

Her name's Amber

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Did you hear the one about the amber alert?

Neither did I, but should I allow the children out of my basement yet?

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Two frat guys are stranded in the middle of the ocean

Brad and Chad have been stuck in a lifeboat for weeks. They're out of water and supplies, and they're sure they're doomed.

They notice a sealed bottle bobbing toward their boat and scoop it out of the water. They open it up, and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me!" the genie s...

My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...

You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:

"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"

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My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers

So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber

A couple is arguing and breaking up

And he says:
- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?
- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!

A dog walks into a natural history museum

Asking for a piece of the new dinosaur exhibit to prove an important theory

In return the dog offered what looked like a tiny black speck encased in amber

The research assistant was visiting from Ireland and was very much out of his intellectual depth. Not wanting to seem ignorant, the...

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd

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What do you call a bird that beats the shit out of her husband?

Amber Bird.

My son was dating a girl, Stephanie, that I wasn't really fond of...

The last time he brought her over to the house, I said with a smile 'Hi there Amber!' She had a look of horror. 'Sorry, I can't keep all these girls' names straight' I said with a grin. I haven't seen her since!

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A Well-Dressed Man Goes Into A Bar

He asks for some 15 year old cognac. The bartender pours and passes a glass, and the man takes a sip. He makes a face, and says "I specifically asked for 15 year old cognac, this is only 12 years old. This will not do."

So he asks for a glass of 21 year old scotch instead. The bartender passe...

I just got an AMBER alert that won't open...

It says: error 404 child not found

My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today.

She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert

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Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down. ...

Johnny Depp was talking to a friend one day. He explained he was experiencing some minor hearing loss but didn’t want people to know about it. But since yesterday the tabloids began reporting his secret issue, much to his distaste. His friend asked how the secret could’ve possibly gotten out.

Johnny Depp replied: “Rumor has it, Amber Heard.”

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A man falls ill and misses days of work

As his paycheck is short he is unable to stop at the cantina and drink with his friends, upset he kicks an OLD tequila bottle releasing a decrepit looking jin.

"I am the tequila genie," says the jin "As you have released me I owe you, but as you can see I have lost much power and can only off...

A story of two blondes

Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.

"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself ...

Guys I just got my first shout-out

It was an Amber Alert about my van.

The Carnival Date

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse.

"I want to get weighed," replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went o...

What dating app do Catholic Priests use?

Amber Alerts.

Dark as charcoal

A mother goes to the kindergarten to pick up her daughter.

She arrives to a nightmarish scene, the whole place is crawling with fireman, emergency vehicles and panicked parents, the kindergarten caught on fire, smoke everywhere.

She runs around frantically calling for her daughter: "Am...

Did she know that Elon Musk was cheating on her?

Yeah, Amber Heard

Three learned gentlemen are discussing 'savoir faire'...(joke full of fuffery, told to me by a man who wore a fez all the time)

The first one takes a healthy belt of his brandy, leans back in his leather chair and says, "Mes amis! Savoir faire is something one does not learn easily. No sir! For example, a husband comes home earlier than he planned to. He opens the door and sees another man's coat hanging on the rack. Without...

An old blonde joke I was told years ago.

A blond driving down a rural road sees a wheat field and notices something strange, another blonde that appears to be swimming.

She pulls over, stands at the field and yells, "Excuse me what are you doing?". The other one replies, "I heard about the these amber waves of grain in a song and w...

A blonde visited a bar...

A blonde visited a bar for the first time, sat at the table in front of the bartender.

A guy at her left ordered, "Jack Daniels, Single"

A guy at her right ordered, "Johnny Walker, Single "

The bartender looked at the lady, said ,"and what about you?"

Lady replied,"Ambe...

A union man is looking for a brothel.

He goes to the first one he sees and asks if it is a union establishment. “No” says the madam. “ Well, how much does the house get and how much does the worker get?”. The madam answers 90/10 and that doesn’t sit well with him.

The man continues down the road all with the same answer.

T...

Wife : I'm leaving you!

Wife : I'm leaving you

Me : Why?!

Wife : You lie to me constantly!

Me : Ha! You don't just leave the man who invented the spatula, Amber!

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