Who’s Amber?

And why does she always describe my car?

How does Amber Heard like her eggs?

Beaten.

I HATE Amber alerts.

I already know what my car looks like.

Stopped to offer directions to a guy. Me: "Yup. Just head up the road until you reach that green...no, amber...no, red light"

I could have just said traffic light.

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

A couple is arguing and breaking up

And he says:
- You don't love me because I'm colorblind, right Violet?
- You stupid! I told you my name is Amber!!

A dog walks into a natural history museum

Asking for a piece of the new dinosaur exhibit to prove an important theory

In return the dog offered what looked like a tiny black speck encased in amber

The research assistant was visiting from Ireland and was very much out of his intellectual depth. Not wanting to seem ignorant, the...

Why did Amber Heard and Charlie Sheen's secret lovechild take his father's name instead of his mother's?

Because children should be sheen and not heard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bird that beats the shit out of her husband?

Amber Bird.

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Getting an AMBER Alert while on the toilet is like winning the lottery...

Since those things are designed to randomly scare the shit out of you.

What do you call a group of deer who indulge in domestic violence and blame it on their SO?

Amber Herd

I have a question

Who's amber and why are they describing my car

Who's Amber?

and why is she always blowing up my phone with random names of vehicles?

What do you call an 8 year old stuck in a closet?

I don't remember, but the amber alert called her Mary.

Guys I just got my first shout-out

It was an Amber Alert about my van.

I just got an AMBER alert that won't open...

It says: error 404 child not found

Johnny Depp proves his innocence

But it’s not what Amber Heard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the amber alert?

Neither did I, but should I allow the children out of my basement yet?

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Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down. ...

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My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers

So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

Johnny Depp was talking to a friend one day. He explained he was experiencing some minor hearing loss but didn’t want people to know about it. But since yesterday the tabloids began reporting his secret issue, much to his distaste. His friend asked how the secret could’ve possibly gotten out.

Johnny Depp replied: “Rumor has it, Amber Heard.”

My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...

You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:

"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"

My son was dating a girl, Stephanie, that I wasn't really fond of...

The last time he brought her over to the house, I said with a smile 'Hi there Amber!' She had a look of horror. 'Sorry, I can't keep all these girls' names straight' I said with a grin. I haven't seen her since!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A wealthy businessman goes to Vegas and orders a prostitute.

Moments later, he hears a knock on his hotel door, he answers, and in walks the most beautiful prostitute he has ever seen.

"Hi Honey, my name is Amber and I am here to service you" she says. "My only stipulation is that I do not do anal. Now, what would you like me to do first?"

"Ho...

My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today.

She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert

A union man is looking for a brothel.

He goes to the first one he sees and asks if it is a union establishment. “No” says the madam. “ Well, how much does the house get and how much does the worker get?”. The madam answers 90/10 and that doesn’t sit well with him.

The man continues down the road all with the same answer.

T...

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A man falls ill and misses days of work

As his paycheck is short he is unable to stop at the cantina and drink with his friends, upset he kicks an OLD tequila bottle releasing a decrepit looking jin.

"I am the tequila genie," says the jin "As you have released me I owe you, but as you can see I have lost much power and can only off...

A story of two blondes

Two blondes were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said Betty.

"Bet you $10 he won't," replied Amber. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself ...

The Carnival Date

Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse.

"I want to get weighed," replied Amber.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went o...

What dating app do Catholic Priests use?

Amber Alerts.

Dark as charcoal

A mother goes to the kindergarten to pick up her daughter.

She arrives to a nightmarish scene, the whole place is crawling with fireman, emergency vehicles and panicked parents, the kindergarten caught on fire, smoke everywhere.

She runs around frantically calling for her daughter: "Am...

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A Well-Dressed Man Goes Into A Bar

He asks for some 15 year old cognac. The bartender pours and passes a glass, and the man takes a sip. He makes a face, and says "I specifically asked for 15 year old cognac, this is only 12 years old. This will not do."

So he asks for a glass of 21 year old scotch instead. The bartender passe...

An old blonde joke I was told years ago.

A blond driving down a rural road sees a wheat field and notices something strange, another blonde that appears to be swimming.

She pulls over, stands at the field and yells, "Excuse me what are you doing?". The other one replies, "I heard about the these amber waves of grain in a song and w...

A blonde visited a bar...

A blonde visited a bar for the first time, sat at the table in front of the bartender.

A guy at her left ordered, "Jack Daniels, Single"

A guy at her right ordered, "Johnny Walker, Single "

The bartender looked at the lady, said ,"and what about you?"

Lady replied,"Ambe...

Did she know that Elon Musk was cheating on her?

Yeah, Amber Heard

Three learned gentlemen are discussing 'savoir faire'...(joke full of fuffery, told to me by a man who wore a fez all the time)

The first one takes a healthy belt of his brandy, leans back in his leather chair and says, "Mes amis! Savoir faire is something one does not learn easily. No sir! For example, a husband comes home earlier than he planned to. He opens the door and sees another man's coat hanging on the rack. Without...

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