Whats the difference between Jack and Jill?

I cant Jill off onto your face.

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

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Jill decides to take her husband Jack to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Jack! How ya doin'?"

Jill is puzzled and asks if he has been to this club before. "Oh no," says Jack. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Jack if he would like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

In the Resident Evil series, how does one make a proper Jill Sandwich?

You put it between two slices of Breadfield and then add some Weskershire sauce.

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Jack and Jill went up the hill

Jack and Jill went up the hill

So Jack could lick Jill's candy,

But Jack got a shock

And a mouth full of cock

Coz Jill's real name was Randy.

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill were two farmers on the Eastern edge of Tennessee. They had recently been told that meat was un-christian like, so they decided to grow almonds and use the money from it to replace the money they'd get from selling meats.

Eventually, they realized they can't drink milk, so they...

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Jack and Jill have been married for forty years

And every morning jack wakes up, has a stretch and forces out the biggest fart you've ever heard. Every morning his wife Jill would tell him he is disgusting and tell him that one day he's gonna push so hard his guts will fall out to which he would reply better out than in my love.

After so...

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Nymphomanical Jill Used Dynamite Sticks for a Thrill

They found her vagina
in South Carolina
and one of her tits in Brazil

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water...

...Jill came down with half a crown but not for fetching water.

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(Subject matter: Anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough) There once was a lady named Jill

Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

Jack and Jill went up a hill.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said "I know you wanna."

Jill said yes, took off her dress and they had some fun.

But silly Jill forgot her pills and now they have a son.

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill worked at the mill before the work did slack off.
The miller cried, I can't decide, whether to lay Jill or Jack off.

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While cooking the Thanksgiving dinner, a fire broke out which burned Jill's right cheek.

In the hospital, the doctor said, "Harold, we cannot recover back your wife's cheek to its original condition but we can put new skin on it and it'll look just the same."

The thing was, the type of skin required to put over the burnt cheek was available only in Harold's buttocks. He complied,...

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Jill: Hey Jack, what are you eating?

**Jack**: I'm eating raisins.

**Jill**: It's raisin'!

**Jack**: Yeah, that's what I just said. I'm eating raisins.

**Jill**: No, Jack, look down. Your penis is raising.



***Background knowledge****: raisins contain an amino acid called arginine which is known to he...

Adam Sandler stars in Jack and Jill 2:

This time it's personal

I voted for Jill Stein

Finally I'm part of the 1%

Biden and Trump are at the same barber shop

Biden and Trump are at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each one being worked on by a different barber, not one word was spoken. When the barbers finished shaving, the barber that had Trump reached for the aftershave. Trump quickly stopped him saying: “No thanks, Melania will smell that and ...

Dice. My favorite Dice rhyme: "Jack 'n Jill went up the hill, both wit a buck 'n a quarter..."

... Jill came down wit two fifty

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An office manager had money problems and had to fire one of two employees, either Jack or Jill.

He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see wh...

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The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off...

Jill Stein talks to her intern about recent news

Jill: This whole Epstein thing is very suspicious. We should call for an investigation?

Intern: What’s Epstein?

Jill: Not much, you?

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Jack and Jill work together in an office...

Things are getting very slow and the manager realizes he has to let one of them go but he can't decide. The manager approaches Jill and says "I have to lay you or Jack off".

"Jack off!" snaps Jill "I have a headache".

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

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My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

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Jill: "Jane, is your husband a sadist?"

Jane: "Beats me."

Dr. Jill Stein plans on marrying former senator Al Franken.

She will run for president in 2020 as Dr. Franken-Stein.

Jill broke her finger today

but on the other hand she was completely fine.

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Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.

Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, nin...

Why did Jill Stein try to censor a movie where the hero uses a shop vacuum to save people?

Because she doesn't want anyone to think there's such a thing as good vac scenes.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

No one digs a well at the top of a hill.

What the hell were Jack and Jill really doing up there?

Jack was going to be married to Jill

... so the night before the wedding his father sits him down for a little fireside chat.

"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on."

So, she did and said: "These are to...

I could tell my girlfriend was cheating on me when she said she was at the mall with her BFF Jill

...when Jill was lying beside me this whole time. Smh

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf has for men.

Mary: Tell me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!

Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?

Mary: I thought I asked legitimate questions like, "Why did you hit the ball into th...

I hope that Senator Franken runs for President in 2020 and picks Jill Stein as his running mate

That'd be a real Franken/Stein ticket

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Jill works at an insane asylum....

One day shes walking by Charlie's room and sees him steering an imaginary steering wheel. "What are you doing Charlie?" She asks.
"I'm driving to Chicago!" He replies.
"Oh ok then."

Next day she walks by again, and hes still "driving." She asks, "what are you doing Charlie?" He replies,...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

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A manager has two great employees...

A manager has two great employees, Jack and Jill. Due to budget constraints, he knows he has to fire one of them. He decides to meet with each employee, be upfront with them, and then make his sad decision. Both of them are outside of his office, and he asks Jill to step inside. Less than 15 seconds...

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Four women were chatting in the locker room (nsfw)

When one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation: jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on... there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just...

The bro code

Jill didn't come home one night. When she got home the next morning, she said she'd slept over at a girl friend's house.

Jack called ten of her best friends, but none of them said she had been there.

A week later, Jack doesn't come home. The next day, he says he spent the night at a bu...

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Some amended Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dick...

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Hold him, he need some attention.

Herb decided to propose to Jill, but prior to her acceptance; Jill felt she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt this was also the tim...

Psychiatrists observe two patients at a mental institution...

Jack and Jill, the two patients, form an extremely strong bond. The relationship is helping both Jack and Jill cope with difficult social interactions. Jack and Jill make such progress, the doctors decide to observe them in various situations around the mental institution to see if they are ready ...

A husband and wife are out to dinner

When all of sudden a very attractive young lady comes up and kisses the husband on the cheek, winks, and walks away.

Naturally, the wife is less than pleased about this

"Who was that?" She asks

"That's Jessica, my mistress" he replies

As you can imagine, the wife is not ...

A joke about planes

So, Jack and Jill were just married, both age 20, and go to this funfair, which offers a plane ride for £20.
Jack: Please, can we go? I've always wanted to fly on a plane!
Jill: I'm sorry Jack. £20, is £20
20 years later, they go to the same funfair, have fun on the rides, until they come a...

Here's a bit of family-friendly ADD humor, compliments of my wife and daughter

So, my wife, children, and myself were out in town the other day. My wife was reprimanding our daughter for not listening and for not paying attention to things going on. The conversation went as follows (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved):

Jane (wife): Jill, I ...

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A young boy and a young girl are in the bathtub

The girl asks her mum 'What's that between Jack's legs mum?'

'That's a tractor darling', the mum replies'

Jack asks his mum 'What's that between Jill's legs, mum?'

'That's a barn darling', the mum replies.

After they were settled, she headed downstairs to relax.

A ...

Jack came home in great excitement and said to his wife:

"Jill, love, you will never believe it, dear, but I have discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking".

"Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?"

"Back to back," Jack replies

"But that is crazy. We cannot do anything back to back."

"Yes we can," he says....

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A couple Limericks...

There once was a man from Ireland
With balls made of fine brass
In stormy weather
They clanked together
And sparks shot out of his ass

There once was a man from Calcutta
Who was jerking off in a gutter
The tropical heat
Affected his meat
S...

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Gambling problem...

So this average guy in an average town was at his average job on an average day. Let's call him Average Joe. Joe for short.

Joe was working away, about 15 minutes from clocking out, and heard a voice in his head that said, "Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas." Joe just thought he ov...

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Alphabet Game

"Alright class, today we're going to play the alphabet game. I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you tell me a word that begins with it. Let's start with A"

Little Jonny's hand shoots up. The teacher thinks to herself: I'm not going to pick Jonny, he'll just say 'asshole'. "Suzie?"
<...

There were two sisters...

Once upon a time, in the wild, wild West there were two sisters, Jill and Susie. A relative of theirs dies and leaves the two sisters a ranch. The ranch was run down and they had little else to their name besides the ranch so they thought they'd invest what they had left into a stud bull to mate ...

What does a blonde do when her car endures a hail storm?

Jill woke up one morning after a hail storm that night. Her car had dents all over it. It was incredibly bad damage, so she brought it into a local auto repair to get the dents fixed. The mechanic, noticing that Jill was blonde, thought he would have a little fun. He simply told her that there is an...

WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE THAT?

Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can't you do that?"

"Gosh," Jack says...

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Sixty Nine

Jack is about to have sex with Jill but both of them are a bit inexperienced. Jill had gone on the internet earlier and looked up some new positions for them to try. She suggests to Jack that they should try 69
Jack tells her that he has no idea about this position so Jill explains to him that sh...

The appointment.

Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her a...

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