UPJOKE
ylyfreakyweirdogoonylikeapproximatelysimilarsortaaboutalmostroughlymeknearlyby

Ish Jokes

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall.... (NSFW-ish)

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,...

A Pole-ish joke

Two engineers

.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, ...

Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh
.. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

Why do British people pronounce it bri'ish?

Because the Tea fell in the harbor.

The Bri ish are coming! The Bri ish are coming!

“Where’s the T?”
“In the harbor!”

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Taxi ride (long-ish)

A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the taxi, nearly hit a bus, drove up the curb and stoped inches from a massive glass storefront.

For a few moments everything was silent in the taxi and then ...

Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."

His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."

"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"

"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."

"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."

"It is...

How is a man like a snowstorm? (NSFW-ish)

Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many
inches you’ll get or how long it’ll stay.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

[NSFW-ish] Three ducks walk into a pub...

...they go up to the bar. It isn't every day that ducks visit the pub so the barman says to the first duck, 'What's your name?'
'Davey,' says the duck.
'How's your day been?' asked the barman.
'Excellent! Been in and out of puddles all day.'
'oh that's nice.' says the bar...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

There's a reason Bri ish people don' pronounce their T's

We drank them all.

The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Another Smart(ish) Blonde Joke

Hot shot lawyer sitting next to a blonde on a plane. He's thinking to himself: "oh yea, let's make some quick cash off this bimbo". This is how it ensues:

Lawyer: "Hi, we've got quite a long time sitting next to each other, so let's play a game, what do you say?"

Blonde: "Ok, sure, wha...

With all of the shows such as Black-ish, Mixed-ish, and Grown-ish, TV executives have announced a new show about the people of an island in the North Atlantic.

They are going to call it Ir-ish.

(Dark-ish) Why didn't Logan Paul high-five Ricegum?

Because he likes to leave Asians hanging.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Longish literary-ish joke translated from Russian

Russia in the 1930s. Winter. Poverty. Famine. It's freezing cold. A poorly dressed kid is running across a courtyard with an armful of deadwood, followed by an angry caretaker.

The kid is running and thinking to himself:
>I gotta put an end to this. After all, I come from a nice family,...

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Some people from Britain call themselves "Bri-ish" because

After the incident in Boston Harbor they need to hide their T

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Got Wood ? (long-ish)

Tommy is born missing an eye. He’s always been self conscious about it and at a young age he gets a wooden eye so that he looks like he has two eyes. Even though the wooden eye makes him look like he has two eyes, he is still very self conscious. He has never been on a date and at the prom, he goes ...

Roses are red-ish...

Violets are blue-ish.

If it wasn't for Jesus, we'd all be Jewish.

LF : Clean-ish jokes

Need new jokes that aren't dark so I don't scare away the girl I like. Engineering and soccer ones are pluses. Thanks for the help.

So I bought myself and my girlfriend walkie talkies

Gf: “You’re too childish, this isn’t working and it’s over”

Me: “Sorry, this isn’t working and it’s what? Over“

Roses are red, violets are blue(ish)

Have a merry Christmas, unless you are Jewish.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Milkman (nsfw-ish)

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.


When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.


T...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

[nsfw]-ish Three vampires enter a bar

Three vampires enter a bar. The first is small and nonthreatening, walks up to the bar and timidly requests a wine glass of the finest blood, AB- if it's available. The bartender serves him a glass of the '82 Shatner and recommends a cheese to go with it.

The second vampire is quite large and...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

9 Inches [Long-ish]

A guy walks into the bar when he sees a man pull out his wallet, and from the wallet a very small man jumps up playing a piano and returns to the wallet. The guy, astounded by what he just saw, asks the man "How did you get that person into your wallet playing the tiny piano?" the man responds "well...

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded Jew?

All the ones I have met have been Jew-ish

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

[LONG]ish A man's trimming his hedges as the postman walks by...

He gives a friendly hello and then realises this is the perfect moment to ask a question that's been bugging him for some time.

"Is it true what they say, that you lot sleep with the housewives whilst the husbands are at work?"

"Ha! It is indeed. I've had every woman on this street, e...

Two friends make a bet. (LONG-ish)

**Friend 1:** Did you know I'm excellent at spelling?

**Friend 2:** Really?

**Friend 1:** Yes, really. Probably one of the best there is. Yeah, yeah, I know you're thinking I'm full of it, everyone else does when I tell them this but here's the kicker: I can actually spell anything. *A...

Time to pun-ish you all!

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender looked at it and said, "Hey! No ropes in here!" So the rope walked out. Once outside, it twisted upon itself a number of times, then rubbed it's short free end until it was just a bunch of fibers without any organization. Upon completion of this, the rope walk...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

What do you call a powerful, asshole-ish potato?

A dick-tater.

Whats an Australian Kiss? (nsfw-ish)

It's like a French kiss, but down under.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Frank invites Tony and Vito to a party (nsfw-ish)

Frank, Tony, and Vito are 3 friends from Brooklyn. One week Frank is having a party at his house and invites Tony and Vito. It's a theme party; "dress as your favorite mood"

The day of the party comes and Frank answers a knock on the door. Standing there ass-naked are Tony and Vito, except th...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A man finds a ladder, seemingly disappearing into the sky... [NSFW]-ish

He begins to climb, getting higher and higher not knowing where the ladder will go. He passes by a very average looking woman, who says "Keep on climbing to success" and he figures "Why not?"

He keeps climbing and reaches another woman, this time far more attractive than the first, she says "...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A 40-ish lady is checking out at the grocery store.

The teenage bagger asks, "Would you like some help outside, m'am?" She looks at him and thinks he's cute, so she says, "yes."

As they are walking through the parking lot, she leans close and says in his ear, "I have an itchy pussy."

He looks at her and says, "I'm sorry m'am, you'll ha...

What do you call a person who is half-british?

A brit....-ish.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

My friends half jew

I guess hes jew-ish

When Sean Connery first learned to talk..

he would pronounce his name like "Sawn."

His mother explained, "no dear, the S makes a "SH" sound.

And the resht is hishtory.

My friend is half Jewish

He's got a two skin

If you ever want to quit drinking eat Twizzlers because they’re not alcohol but...

They’re liquorish.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A guy goes out for some drinks at a bar with a coworker on a Friday night and they get shitfaced...

The guy goes to the bathroom and stumbles back to the bar with puke on his shirt...

"Oh man, my wife ish gonna kill me." he says, "I just puked on my shirt and she's gonna know I was out drinking all night!"

"Don't worry about it," slurs his coworker. "take $20 and put it in your shirt...

Boba Fett is my hero. I've got pictures of him in every room.

I think I've got a fettish.

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Henry woke up with one hell of a hangover


(Long-ish)

Henry woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a fantastic headache, cotton-mouthed and completely unable to recall the events of the night before.

He made his way downstairs and his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Olivia,' he moaned, 'tell me what...

You can't get drunk on Twizzlers

They're only liquor*ish*

(NSFW)ish ...A boy and his mother are standing on a train platform when an announcement on the tannoy plays “attention the next train on platform 2 will not be stopping”

The boy shuffles closer to the edge and his mother calls out “billy stand away from the edge of the platform or the train will suck you off.” The boy stops for a second, looks at his mother then back at the tracks. The boy then pelvic thrusts and announces “come onnnnn train”

What happens to people who make bad jokes?

They get pun-ished.

There no such thing a fully committed Jew.

Most of them are only Jew-ish.

What happens when fruit dies?

It pear-ishes

My British friend gets offended when I call him British

Apparently, there is nothing ish about him. Says he is 100% Brit.

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

Why do many people keeping buying Mudéjar art?

Because it is Moor-ish!

>!I realise that this joke is relying on fairly uncommon words like Mudéjar, Moor and moreish - which will reduce how many people will enjoy the joke. But I didn't think that should stop it from being shared. Words explained below!<

>!Mudéjar art: Refer...

Drunk

A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to get in. ''Are you sure this is your house?'' the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled man. '

“Shertainly,'' said the drunk, ''an' if you'll jesh open the door f'me, I'll prove it to you.''

The cop obliges by opening the door....

I wanted to learn how to fly a plane...

But I realised I was in the wrong class when the professor said this will be a crash course in flight!




(Sorry if it's a bit dad joke-ish I tried to write my own joke but chances are it's been told before)

In class today, we’re talking about where are parents are from. I said my mom is from England and my dad is from the U.S.

“So you’re Brit-ish?”

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Not a repost (true story, too)

One day I was walking to school with my friends in a very busy city. The school was about ten-ish blocks away from where we met up, and sure, there's always crap on the ground (whether from a human or a dog) and homeless people, but otherwise it's pretty much what you'd expect.

This particula...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

The office blonde

Three secretaries all left the office for lunch together.

As they got in the elevator, they noticed a small pool of white-ish fluid on the floor.

The brunette said,

“Ew! Is that semen?”

The redhead leaned closer, then said,

“Yep, definitely semen.”

The blond...

a guy is talking to his firends

he says:

"why always a british person says the word british, it sounds like bri'ish"


a british man listens and responds:


"after the Boston incident we always hide our t's"

What do you call a group of zealots who try to force people into eating their disgusting half made desserts?

The Flan-ish Inquisition

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A lake and a cat.

There once was a lake. A normal, blue-ish lake. 60 centimetres above that lake, flies a fly. A normal fly. 30 centimetres under the surface of the lake, a salmon is swimming.

The salmon think, if the fly flies 30 centimetres lower, I'll jump and eat the fly.

Close to the salmon, standi...

If a Scottish person got just a little upset every time he was mistaken for his Gaelic neighbors...

...wouldn't that still make him ire-ish?

(This was my first joke I wrote a few years ago. It's bad, but I wanted to post it as a cake day commemoration. And then never tell it again :D)

What do you call a half European shark?

Fin-ish

I'm a chameleon. Somehow wedged myself between a brick and a tree trunk.

Brown to the left of me. Ochre to the right. Here I am stuck in a middle-ish hue.

If Americans spoke American, what would the British speak?

Bri’ish

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

My friend's family are Jews, but he isn't practicing.

He's Jew-ish.

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

What language is universal to strippers?

Pole-ish

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

My friend is 1/8th Jew

He's Jew...Ish

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

What's the difference between Serena Williams and a shady Five Guys?

One serves you tennis balls and the other serves you ten-ish balls

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

My mate has invented an invisible vehicle (OC)

I asked him 'What, like a car?'

'Not really' he replied 'It's more van-ish than that'

I tell my daughter Dad jokes when she is in trouble

to PUN-ish her

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A man goes to the Doctor

A man goes to the doctor with a severe speech disorder, determined to discover it's origins.

After many, many tests the doctor comes in with a solemn look on his face.

"werp ducktor, waths da calls of my Airelments?!" The man asked.

The doctor replied. "It appears that your spe...

In Honnery of Connery...

I present to you all, yet again, my favourite Sean Connery joke. So, I asked Sean Connery to meet me in the morning around 10–ish. He said, “Tennish? But I don’t even have a racquet.” Ok, I’ll be off now...

Sean Connery arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter, who says:

Sean! We’ve been waiting for a while, sorry you had to leave, but the big man can’t wait to meet you. He’s gonna come a see you about ten-ish.
Sean thinks for a second an replies,
“Tennish? But I didn’t bring a racquet”


RIP Lgend. You were the best bond by far.

My mom’s a Jew, but my Dad isn’t.

So really I’m Jew..ish

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Ten-ish.

RIP Mr Connery.

If you make fun of a comedian

there's a high chance of you getting 'pun'ished.

What’s the coolest vegetable?

A rad-ish!

Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.

Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"

This joke may contain profanity. đŸ€”

A biker walks into a bar.

As he made his way to the bartender, he spotted a 30-ish y/o man sitting in his table with a serious look in his face, staring daggers at the cup of drink before him.

Feeling great for the day, the biker made his way to the sitting man and directly took his cup, and drank the whole thing as a...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.