Why do British people pronounce it bri'ish?

Because the Tea fell in the harbor.

Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)

Why do Bri'ish people never pronounce the letter 't' ?

Because they drank it all

Where did the "T" in Bri'ish go?

they drank it all



im such a comedian

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall.... (NSFW-ish)

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,...

Why do the British say they're bri-ish?

Because they drank the all the T

How is a man like a snowstorm? (NSFW-ish)

Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many
inches you’ll get or how long it’ll stay.

What do you call a bri'ish Dinosaur

A tea-rex

There no such thing a fully committed Jew.

Most of them are only Jew-ish.

There's a reason Bri ish people don' pronounce their T's

We drank them all.

(Dark-ish) Why didn't Logan Paul high-five Ricegum?

Because he likes to leave Asians hanging.

a guy is talking to his firends

he says:

"why always a british person says the word british, it sounds like bri'ish"


a british man listens and responds:


"after the Boston incident we always hide our t's"

You know what's half a joke and half to inflict a penalty?

Pun-ish

A man goes to his veterinarian and complains, "I think my goldfish is having seizures."

"He seems fine now," the doctor replies. "Yeah," the man says, "but just wait until I take him out of the bowl."

Some people from Britain call themselves "Bri-ish" because

After the incident in Boston Harbor they need to hide their T

I'm a chameleon. Somehow wedged myself between a brick and a tree trunk.

Brown to the left of me. Ochre to the right. Here I am stuck in a middle-ish hue.

If Americans spoke American, what would the British speak?

Bri’ish

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2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

The Bri ish are coming! The Bri ish are coming!

“Where’s the T?”
“In the harbor!”

With all of the shows such as Black-ish, Mixed-ish, and Grown-ish, TV executives have announced a new show about the people of an island in the North Atlantic.

They are going to call it Ir-ish.

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

(NSFW)ish ...A boy and his mother are standing on a train platform when an announcement on the tannoy plays “attention the next train on platform 2 will not be stopping”

The boy shuffles closer to the edge and his mother calls out “billy stand away from the edge of the platform or the train will suck you off.” The boy stops for a second, looks at his mother then back at the tracks. The boy then pelvic thrusts and announces “come onnnnn train”

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Got Wood ? (long-ish)

Tommy is born missing an eye. He’s always been self conscious about it and at a young age he gets a wooden eye so that he looks like he has two eyes. Even though the wooden eye makes him look like he has two eyes, he is still very self conscious. He has never been on a date and at the prom, he goes ...

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[NSFW-ish] Three ducks walk into a pub...

...they go up to the bar. It isn't every day that ducks visit the pub so the barman says to the first duck, 'What's your name?'
'Davey,' says the duck.
'How's your day been?' asked the barman.
'Excellent! Been in and out of puddles all day.'
'oh that's nice.' says the bar...

Roses are red, violets are blue(ish)

Have a merry Christmas, unless you are Jewish.

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Longish literary-ish joke translated from Russian

Russia in the 1930s. Winter. Poverty. Famine. It's freezing cold. A poorly dressed kid is running across a courtyard with an armful of deadwood, followed by an angry caretaker.

The kid is running and thinking to himself:
>I gotta put an end to this. After all, I come from a nice family,...

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Taxi ride (long-ish)

A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the taxi, nearly hit a bus, drove up the curb and stoped inches from a massive glass storefront.

For a few moments everything was silent in the taxi and then ...

Roses are red-ish...

Violets are blue-ish.

If it wasn't for Jesus, we'd all be Jewish.

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Another Smart(ish) Blonde Joke

Hot shot lawyer sitting next to a blonde on a plane. He's thinking to himself: "oh yea, let's make some quick cash off this bimbo". This is how it ensues:

Lawyer: "Hi, we've got quite a long time sitting next to each other, so let's play a game, what do you say?"

Blonde: "Ok, sure, wha...

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[LONG]ish A man's trimming his hedges as the postman walks by...

He gives a friendly hello and then realises this is the perfect moment to ask a question that's been bugging him for some time.

"Is it true what they say, that you lot sleep with the housewives whilst the husbands are at work?"

"Ha! It is indeed. I've had every woman on this street, e...

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

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What language is universal to strippers?

Pole-ish

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[nsfw]-ish Three vampires enter a bar

Three vampires enter a bar. The first is small and nonthreatening, walks up to the bar and timidly requests a wine glass of the finest blood, AB- if it's available. The bartender serves him a glass of the '82 Shatner and recommends a cheese to go with it.

The second vampire is quite large and...

LF : Clean-ish jokes

Need new jokes that aren't dark so I don't scare away the girl I like. Engineering and soccer ones are pluses. Thanks for the help.

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A man finds a ladder, seemingly disappearing into the sky... [NSFW]-ish

He begins to climb, getting higher and higher not knowing where the ladder will go. He passes by a very average looking woman, who says "Keep on climbing to success" and he figures "Why not?"

He keeps climbing and reaches another woman, this time far more attractive than the first, she says "...

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What's the difference between Serena Williams and a shady Five Guys?

One serves you tennis balls and the other serves you ten-ish balls

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What do you call a powerful, asshole-ish potato?

A dick-tater.

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

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Milkman (nsfw-ish)

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.


When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.


T...

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Frank invites Tony and Vito to a party (nsfw-ish)

Frank, Tony, and Vito are 3 friends from Brooklyn. One week Frank is having a party at his house and invites Tony and Vito. It's a theme party; "dress as your favorite mood"

The day of the party comes and Frank answers a knock on the door. Standing there ass-naked are Tony and Vito, except th...

A little boy... Nfw'ish

So a little boy ran past a cop screaming bloody murder so the cop grabs him by the arm and settles him down.

Holding onto his shoulders he look in the boys tear stained eyes and asks

"son what happened?"

The boy snivels up a snot bubble and answers the cop

"Well officer ...

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A 40-ish lady is checking out at the grocery store.

The teenage bagger asks, "Would you like some help outside, m'am?" She looks at him and thinks he's cute, so she says, "yes."

As they are walking through the parking lot, she leans close and says in his ear, "I have an itchy pussy."

He looks at her and says, "I'm sorry m'am, you'll ha...

Two friends make a bet. (LONG-ish)

**Friend 1:** Did you know I'm excellent at spelling?

**Friend 2:** Really?

**Friend 1:** Yes, really. Probably one of the best there is. Yeah, yeah, I know you're thinking I'm full of it, everyone else does when I tell them this but here's the kicker: I can actually spell anything. *A...

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9 Inches [Long-ish]

A guy walks into the bar when he sees a man pull out his wallet, and from the wallet a very small man jumps up playing a piano and returns to the wallet. The guy, astounded by what he just saw, asks the man "How did you get that person into your wallet playing the tiny piano?" the man responds "well...

Time to pun-ish you all!

A rope walked into a bar. The bartender looked at it and said, "Hey! No ropes in here!" So the rope walked out. Once outside, it twisted upon itself a number of times, then rubbed it's short free end until it was just a bunch of fibers without any organization. Upon completion of this, the rope walk...

Whats an Australian Kiss? (nsfw-ish)

It's like a French kiss, but down under.

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Jake and Dennis were joking it up and getting drunk at the football game... [nsfw-ish...I guess]

...when Jake turned around and thought he saw a woman sitting about ten rows behind them with her legs spread open and black pubic hair showing deep between them.

"Jesus, God, Dennis, get a load of that broad back there with her pussy hairs showing!"

Dennis craned around and focused o...

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Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

Sean Connery arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter, who says:

Sean! We’ve been waiting for a while, sorry you had to leave, but the big man can’t wait to meet you. He’s gonna come a see you about ten-ish.
Sean thinks for a second an replies,
“Tennish? But I didn’t bring a racquet”


RIP Lgend. You were the best bond by far.

What's off-brand liqour?

Liquor-ish

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

My mate has invented an invisible vehicle (OC)

I asked him 'What, like a car?'

'Not really' he replied 'It's more van-ish than that'

In Honnery of Connery...

I present to you all, yet again, my favourite Sean Connery joke. So, I asked Sean Connery to meet me in the morning around 10–ish. He said, “Tennish? But I don’t even have a racquet.” Ok, I’ll be off now...

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My friends half jew

I guess hes jew-ish

When does Sean Connery arrive to watch the Wimbledon tournament?

Around ten-ish.

A guy, desperate for a drink walks into a candy store. He looks around and after a while the storekeeper says, "Can I help you with anything?"

The guy replies, "Yeah, I really need a drink! Got any liquor?

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this here," replies the storekeeper.

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

If a Scottish person got just a little upset every time he was mistaken for his Gaelic neighbors...

...wouldn't that still make him ire-ish?

(This was my first joke I wrote a few years ago. It's bad, but I wanted to post it as a cake day commemoration. And then never tell it again :D)

I tell my daughter Dad jokes when she is in trouble

to PUN-ish her

If you make fun of a comedian

there's a high chance of you getting 'pun'ished.

What do you call someone whos not fully british?

Brit...ish

What do you call a person who is half-british?

A brit....-ish.

Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.

Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"

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A biker walks into a bar.

As he made his way to the bartender, he spotted a 30-ish y/o man sitting in his table with a serious look in his face, staring daggers at the cup of drink before him.

Feeling great for the day, the biker made his way to the sitting man and directly took his cup, and drank the whole thing as a...

Why haven't I ever met a full blooded Jew?

All the ones I have met have been Jew-ish

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A guy goes out for some drinks at a bar with a coworker on a Friday night and they get shitfaced...

The guy goes to the bathroom and stumbles back to the bar with puke on his shirt...

"Oh man, my wife ish gonna kill me." he says, "I just puked on my shirt and she's gonna know I was out drinking all night!"

"Don't worry about it," slurs his coworker. "take $20 and put it in your shirt...

My friend is half Jewish

He's got a two skin

My mom’s a Jew, but my Dad isn’t.

So really I’m Jew..ish

What’s the coolest vegetable?

A rad-ish!

What do you call a Billie Eilish doppelganger?

Billie Eil-ish

What do you call someone who is only kind of from Britain?

Brit-ish

Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elf-ish Presley

Why did the Twizzler go binge drinking?

It was feeling liquor-ish

No Scotsman is ever fully Scot, why?

Because they are Scott-ish.

What language do bridges speak?

Span-ish.

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Man gets fired from his job...

...And dreading going home to his wife, he instead heads to a nearby bar. The man saddles up to the bar and orders a Jack and Coke. The bartender smiles, pulls an apple from under the bar, shines it against his shirt, and sets it on the bar.

"I said a Jack and Coke," complains the man. "Wh...

The Jewish Lawyer and the Rabbi

<Long-ish>

A Jewish lawyer, distraught and in a semi-panic, ran to his Rabbi pleading, "Rabbi! Rabbi! You must help me!"

The Rabbi, quite concerned, inquired, "What is it? What is wrong? How may I help?"

"It's my son. He just called me. He told me he and his family are con...

I’m proud of this joke, please don’t judge my work too harshly.

There once was a man named Ish. He was a curious guy, always trying to find out new things. He decided to take a trip all around Europe.

He went to France, Germany, Belgium, Portugal, and eventually ended up smack dab in the middle of Spain. He, being the curious guy that he was, immediately...

Dinosaur joke

What do you call a dinosaur who can control thunder?


Brachio-thor-rus


Sorry I thought of this and had to share, to find out if I had read it here or if it's the rarity of an original-ish joke

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My Mom is Catholic and my dad is Jewish.

Which means I was snipped *and* dipped.

They put me in a Jewish pre school so I thought I was Jewish.

Then they turn around and put me in Catholic Sunday school.

This was confusing for a little kid.

I told the Sunday school teacher,

“Teacher bear with me, up un...

I asked Sean Connery, "What sport will you be playing tomorrow and when?"

He replied, "Ten(n)-ish."

I was on my bed, relaxing and eating popcorn, when I noticed my pillow was missing it's pillowcase.

I started looking for it in the darkness of my room(I still had a little bit of light). I saw a blanket-ish shadow in my peripheral vision. I reached for it, thinking it was the pillowcase. However, after pressing down on it and hearing the loud, crinkly noise of a near-empty bag of popcorn, I soon ...

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So Ms. Delinsky is trying to get her 4th-graders to settle down for a quiz.

She's been having real problems with her newest year of students, who as always seem way rowdier than the year before them. She blames smart phones and internet memes for this. However, Ms. Delinsky a clever lady, and she thinks she has a plan. She's going to start a 'meme' in her class: Quiz Positi...

A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

The Compost Heap

I was raised in a fairly hippy-ish town. The kind of place that was always looking to do something ecologically friendly in the days before the internet made it easy to share tips and tricks on how to cut down your carbon footprint.

One of the things they did was expand the recycling collect...

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A man goes to the Doctor

A man goes to the doctor with a severe speech disorder, determined to discover it's origins.

After many, many tests the doctor comes in with a solemn look on his face.

"werp ducktor, waths da calls of my Airelments?!" The man asked.

The doctor replied. "It appears that your spe...

What do you call a bag of diet Swedish fish?

Sweet-ish Fish

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A lake and a cat.

There once was a lake. A normal, blue-ish lake. 60 centimetres above that lake, flies a fly. A normal fly. 30 centimetres under the surface of the lake, a salmon is swimming.

The salmon think, if the fly flies 30 centimetres lower, I'll jump and eat the fly.

Close to the salmon, standi...

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People often ask me what’s the difference between being a Jew and being Jewish. If you’re a Jew, you’re born into the ethnicity, and you probably practice the religion. If you’re just religious, you’re only kind of a Jew

You’re Jew*ish*.

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My friend is 1/8th Jew

He's Jew...Ish

Help! Please explain this silly kids joke to me...

This joke has been bugging me on and off for around 30-years. I read it in some kind of '1000 jokes for kids' type book - probably written around 1985'ish. The joke is pretty stupid - and i'm reasonably sure it would still be pretty stupid if I actually understood it - however for some unexplained...

What did the uncertain, Amish philosopher say?

I think, therefore I am-ish...

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