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A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:

A Traffic Cop pulls over a speeding vehicle:
“Name please.”
“Erm, it’s Johnny Wankenbrake.”
“Wanking-Break?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok, Address?”
“Well, my address is my work: Filthy Fingers Films on the Industrial Estate.”
“Right, look buddy, I’m not putting that in a report, take it easy - ...

For my wife's 30th birthday I got a man called David to visit our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, David walked around, looking at us occasionally.

"There's a definite tension between the two of you," David began, "but behind it all there's a certain desire, a lust. Yes, there's a craving for the physical. And there's friendship, too. Warmth, lots of warmth i...

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Two guys meet in a bar, and over drinks, one of them turns to the other and says, "Erm, I have to confess something, I'm a masochist, I like it when people hurt me."

The other guy says, "Really? I'm a sadist, I like to hurt people, want to come
home with me?"

They get to the sadists house, and into the basement, where the walls are
lined with whips and implements for causing pain, and the masochist is
overwhelmed with joy. He takes off his shirt,...

An husband and wife are on a holiday in Jerusalem

Unfortunately, the husband dies of a heart attack during the holiday.

The person from the funeral company says to the wife "We have two options- we can bring his body back home to the US, but because of the flights et cetera, it will cost you an expensive $10,000. Or we can go with the nice, ...

Who was that Austrian F1 driver, Niki erm Niki..

Lauda?

WHO WAS THAT AUSTRIAN F1 DRIVER?

Library

So this guy walks into a library. He approaches the librarian and says: “I’ll have a double whopper, medium fries and a diet coke, please”.

The librarian looks puzzled and responds: “Erm, sir, you are aware that this is a library...?”

The man: *whispers* sorry, so that was a double wh...

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Two guys in brothel

Two young guys come to the brothel, they knock on the door and sliding peephole opens

Man with gruff voice asks : What do you want?

Guys : To get inside

Man : How much money you got

Guys, after going trough their pockets : erm ... 20$

Man laughs : For that much you...

If I get the UK variant of coronavirus will my cough sound different?

Like instead of COUGH COUGH UGHH is it more like AHEM ERM His Majesty David Beckham has come to take your spices and subjugate your people AHEM AHEM

Two Math Professors in a Bar

Two professors, American and Soviet, are sitting in a bar in the middle of Moscow. They begin to have a heating conversation about levels of education in general population of their countries.

Soviet professor takes a break to go to the bathroom, and on the way there he stops their waitress a...

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God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

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A butcher and a vet are having a bit of freaky time.

The vet says to the butcher: Could you tug me off, because you have experience with sausage.
The butcher agrees and then tugs the vet off.
The butcher then asks: I’ve tugged you off what do I get in return.
The vet says: well whatever you want
The butcher responds: erm, I heard you have ...

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One Friend asks the other: "Does your wife also smoke after sex?"

His friend gives him a slightly confused look and replies: "Erm, no, but she's a bit sore afterwards."

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Here’s a Gaelic joke translated...

3 vampires are in a restaurant: rich, middle class, and poor. They asked for a menu, and later on told the waiter that they’re ready to order.

Waiter: What can I get for you?

Rich Vampire: Fresh blood please.

Middle Class Vampire: Blood pudding please.

Poor Vampire: Erm.....

"Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia" is the scientific term

For...erm...bear with me..

I came home from work early one night...

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"

My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."

As I walked out of the room, I he...

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[NSFW] A man sees a urologist due to an abnormal growth in his groin area.

Urologist: "It looks like, you've got a third testicle growing!"

Man: "Oh.. erm... it isn't that bad, right?"

Urologist: "Having a third testicle might have ill side-effects in your health and your sexual ..."

Man (interrupting): "Okay, allright. What can we do?"

Urolo...

We had a fire drill at the sperm bank today...

But everyone gathered in the car park before the alarm went of, it was a premature evacuation

The Professor's Lecture

Professor Drobkin was about to lead a lecture in front of a large group of students and fellows at the University, and he was terribly nervous. He had never been very good at speaking in front of large audiences, so he'd practiced at home constantly with a set of notecards.

When he was summon...

Pepper and salt shakers.

True story - happened at a restaurant this afternoon with my 4 year old daughter L.


L, pointing to the stainless steel shakers: How do you know which is salt and which is pepper?

Me: Look at the holes on top. If it is the letter S, it's salt. If it is the letter P, it's pepper.
...

A traveller has dinner at a monastery.

A traveller was walking through the mountains when he came across a great monastery, he was far from a town and so knocked on it's doors seeking shelter.

A monk came out and greeted him and the traveller asked for a place to stay for the night.

"Certainly" replied the monk "But first, ...

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Accidental Exposure

A man is walking down the street on a nice Spring day, casually gazing into the many shop window displays. Suddenly, he notices a woman walking in the opposite direction, and as she gets closer he notices that one of her breasts is hanging out of her blouse. She seems oblivious, and the man is in tw...

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Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:

" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"

The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories

" Alright Mr thoothill, this supposi...

Just went to the store and bought a pack of energy saving light bulbs...

As the woman scanned them, she asked, "Will you be putting these up yourself, sir?"

"'Erm, no." I replied. "What kind of sicko do you think I am?"

I asked a young chap what his life goal was.

He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'



'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'



He said, 'Swear down.'

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I was out shopping the other day and I really needed the toilet

I sat down and a guy in the cubicle next to me said;

"Alright mate"

"Erm, yeah" I replied.

"What you up to?" he asked.

"I'm just taking a shit, what are you up to?" I said.

There was a brief pause and then I heard him say:

"Let me call you back in a minute m...

A charitable organization noticed that the richest man in town had never donated.

A representative of the organization called the man. "Our research shows that you make millions of dollars a year, and we were wondering if you'd like to donate some amount to help those in need."

The man responded, "Did your research show you that my mother is suffering from a chronic illne...

"Mommy! Why were you bouncing on daddy's belly last night?"

Little Timmy's mom was taken aback by his question

"Erm.. I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat . Bouncing keeps him skinny"

"That's not going to work!", Timmy replied back

"Why not?"

"Because babysitter Tina keeps blowing him back up again!"

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A small coastal Australian church gets word the Pope is coming for a visit.

The church committee quickly gets together to discuss arrangements and the topic quickly turns to what food they will serve the Pope.

One of the nuns suggests a serve of fish would be appropriate. The committee agrees and one of the priests is nominated to source a fresh fish.

The pr...

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

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A duck walks into a bar,

the bartender greets him and asks: "what can i get you?"

The duck replies, "A slice of white bread please"

The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't have any white bread, I can offer you a fine selection of wines and beers though. What can I get for you?"

The duck replies: "A slice o...

I walked up to a girl and said, "Skittles, Starburst, Jelly Babies, Haribo, Wine Gums."

"Erm...what?" she asked.

I said, "I'm trying to sweet-talk you into dating me."

Pythagoras walks into a bar.

Pythagoras walks into a bar muttering, "If a right-angled triangle has a short side, X, a long side, Y, and hypotenuse, Z, then the square of Z must be equal to the sum of the square of X and the square of, erm... uh..."

[The barman says, "Y, the long face?"](/spoiler)

[Job interview]

"What are your strengths?"

Me: I fall in love easily.

"Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?"

Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

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it was nothing

A mother and her young son are taking a walk through the countryside when the son spots a horse with a huge errection raging between its legs.

"Mommy, what is that thing hanging between the horses legs?" he asks
The mother blushes and avoids the question "Oh, erm... that's nothing"
...

A redneck cop comes upon a traffic accident...

He sees that the driver has been torn apart and strewn across the highway. He proceeds to take down his report.

"Arm... On in the ditch..." <starts writing> "A... R... M... In the D... I... T... C... H..."

Walks a bit further...

"Torso... T... O... R... S... O... ...

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Barry got work as a sailor.

Barry got a nice sweet gig working on a boat, but the downfall was that they where six months at sea at time.

It was alright they pay was worth it but at the end he was horny as hell .
So as soon as they docked he quickly went to the most seedy bar he could find. When he arrived he quickl...

The Old Man and the Chef

One day, an old man is out for a walk. His walk happens to take him through the local farmer's market, where a chef had set up a booth to make the freshest seafood he could.

As the old man walked by, the chef pulled a still living fish out of a tank of water and set it on his cutting boar...

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A man went to a fancy dress party in just his underwear....

The host opened the door to see him there in his underwear. "Erm, yes?" he asked. "Can I help you?"



"I'm here for the fancy dress party." came the reply.



The host eyed him over. "Well, what have you come as? I need to introduce you."


"I'm here as a premature ...

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Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"..........

Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"

I hesitated for a bit then said, "Well, sometimes when I'm masturbating I like to stick my thumb up my arse. If I'm feeling really kinky I use my whole fist. How about you?"

She repl...

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