Ahem Jokes - 35 Hilarious Ahem Jokes

Libertarian knock-knock joke. Ahem. "Knock, knock!"

"Get a warrant."

An elderly woman visits the doctor for, ahem, a little problem.

"You see, doctor..." and she leans in to whisper conspiratorially... "I have flatulence. But you wouldn't know it because it makes no sound and it has no odor. In fact, I'm flatulent right now. Right as we speak, I swear. To be honest I'm not sure I should even bother to do anything about it, it's s...

What do you say to get a tailor’s attention?

Ahem

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My butt really hurts and I keep trying to get peoples attention but no one will listen.

I think I have Ahemorrhoids

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

A man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem with... ahem, silent emissions...

"Doc,' he says, 'I really can't help it, but I've been having this problem with these silent farts for a long time now. In fact, the other day, the wife and I were having dinner with neighbors and qui...

So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.

Sorry, that came out wrong.

Ahem.

So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

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A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

Mr. Zuckerberg how do you sustain a business model in which users don’t pay for your services?

Zuckerberg: “1010011010”.......Ahem

Zuckerberg: “Senator, we run ads”

What do you call a guy who just left cocaine?

"OFF-White" ahem ahem.

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A salesman was making the rounds in a neighborhood...

He knocked on a door, and after a while a teenage boy answered wearing a bra and panties, high heels and makeup.

The salesman said, "ahem, um, son are your parents home?"

The boy said, "What the fuck do you think?"

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I am a fucking idiot

Oh, wait.

*ahem*

I don’t vaccinate my children

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Silent and not smelly…

A man goes to the doctor’s office and waits for his turn to be seen. Once inside, the doctor asks him what’s wrong.

Man: I have a weird problem, doc. It doesn’t affect anyone else but is a minor inconvenience for me. I thought I should see you and get it checked anyway.

Doctor: Ahem.. ...

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Micky and Minnie Mouse are consulting their lawyer about planning a divorce.

Halfway through reading Mickie's statement, the lawyer finds something odd.

"So it says here," he inquires, eyebrow notched," that you want to divorce your wife because she's, ahem, 'extremely silly'?

"No," Mickie shouted, hardly able to control his anger. " I want the divorce beca...

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Two men are fishing.

One asks the other how his recent marriage is going.

"Not so well. We haven't been able to consummate the marriage. The wife has gonorrhea."

"Wow, that's bad. I suppose there's always oral sex?"

"Nope. She has a serious gum infection - pyorrhea."

"Is she up for, ahem, an...

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My talk with the Principal

I was a cocky little turd when I was younger. I remember getting called into the principal's office once when I was 9 years old.

"You're behavior is getting worse and worse each day. Standards really are slipping."

"Ahem, I'll do the talking" he said.

A pastor was complaining to another pastor about people in his service falling asleep

So the other pastor invited him to his own church. The Pastor began to notice some of his congregation nodding off and gave a nod to the visiting pastor.

"Ahem, I'd like to make an announcement, er a confession really" Everyone began paying attention, nudging each other, straightening up and...

Always Be A Good Listener & don't be in hurry...

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds, the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"
...

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding through the prairie

When all of a sudden Tonto stops and puts his ear to the ground. The Lone Ranger says, "What are you doing Tonto?" Tonto says, “Keemosabi, buffalo come!" The Lone Ranger then says, "How can you tell?" Tonto replies, “Ear sticky."

Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.

he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.

I would like a pizza please

-im sorry sir this is a chinese restaurant
-oh pardon me...ahem... i foud rike e pizzah prease

How can I draw attention to the fact this skirt is too long?

AHEM!

So a Scotsman gets drunk...

....And falls asleep outside the pub he was drinking at.

Well in the morning two English lasses happen by and see the Scot in the gutter and the first lass says to the second, "Mary, shall we see if it's true what they say about the Scots?"

So they pull his kilt up and sure as the su...

A zoo was having a lot of trouble with a female gorilla

The gorilla was in heat, but they had no male to couple her with. As she was getting more violent and aggressive by the hour, they tried to contact other zoos for a male, but none were available in a short amount of time.

Desperate, the zoo director calls John the janitor into his office.
...

Knock, Knock

My son told me this one. I hadn't heard it before.
Son: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don't know.
Son: He was going to visit the dummy.
Me: ?
Son: Knock, knock
Me: Who's there?
Son: The Chicken
Me: :/
Taps microphone:
In spite of my misgivings about the sear...

Time flies like an arrow...

...but fruit flies like a banana.

Probably, a lot of you already know this one. But I posted it from a -- *ahem* -- 'philosophical' consideration (not a really good idea for a joke subreddit).

But I think about this joke from time to time. Not only is it a complex double pun -- flie...

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A man and his makeshift turban go to see the doctor

"What seems to be the problem?"

The man slowly unravels his makeshif turban to reveal... a fully grown phallus growing out of the middle of his forehead.

"Ahem, how long has this being going on for Sir?"

"It's been growing for around 3 months. Can you fix it Doctor? What on Ea...

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This guy and his friend sit at the bar...

... and he sees an extremely attractive and busty woman enter. The guy says to his friend: 'Wow, would you look on the pair of boobs on her, I'd love to bite those nipples! I'm going over to see if I can convince her.' So he heads over and goes: Ahem, excuse me miss, I saw you from the bar over the...

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A man and an ostrich walk into a bar...

The man asks for a beer and the bartender obliges.

"Ahem," says the ostrich. The bartender looks up at it. It nods its head at the beer in front of the man and says, "I'll have the same." Bartender shrugs and gets a second beer for the bird.

After a few hours of drinking in silence, th...

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A Jamaican, an Italian, and Jew.

So these three long time friends meet at the pub every Sunday night for beers and a chat to close out the week.

One of these Sunday nights the conversation turns to sex, and as some bragging starts happening they decide to challenge each other to a sexual prowess contest. They agree to meet ...

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The bird who sought a purpose

Apologies if a joke like this was already submitted, I just discovered this wonderful subreddit and I'd like to chip in :)

A bird had long traveled the country side. He was never content with his meager life, and sought a purpose. One day, the bird came upon quite a sight! A massive clearing ...

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A little old woman walked into the bank...

A little old woman walked into the Bank.

She was carrying a large bag full of money. She insisted on speaking with the bank manager to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money.”

After a great deal of negotiating, the bank staff decided to humor her and finally ushered her ...

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

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A homeless man walks into a restaurant...

He sits down at a table and asks to speak to the manager. The manager walks over to the man and says

"Can I help you?"

"I'm going to be honest with you. I have no money to pay for a meal. But I want to make a little wager with you. I want you to take any spoon that you want and then I ...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

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