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Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg

The Gregorian calendar

I saw Sir Ian McKellan handing out leaflets about how Dumbledore and Merlin were fake clones of Gandalf

I had a look at one of the leaflets, and it turned out to be the usual propagandalf

What do you call a magician who's lost all his magic?

IAN.........

Which celebrity gets the most speeding tickets?

Kim Kar-dash-ian

What instrument does a pumpkin play?

An a-gourd-ian.

(I’m so sorry I had to get it out of my head)

How did Ian Malcolm's wife find out he was cheating?

Wife, uh, finds a way.

How did Ian Fleming become so wealthy?

By diversifying his Bonds!

Friends

I have a friend who's half Indian.

Ian.

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Ian's struggling with his vocabulary, so his teacher gives him a word each morning to use in a sentence.

Today, due to Ian's steady improvement the teacher decides to up the game. "Ian the word i have for you today is contagious, you have until the end of the day." Five minutes before final bell the teacher calls Ian in front of the class. Ian struts up confidently. "Well miss, I didn't even need the w...

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there, are furiously masturbating. She screams, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the men grunts, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry!"

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation!?"

One of the other businessmen gasps, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

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Little Ian

A teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church," she asked them, "would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children ...

A magician was working on a cruise

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every ...

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

If so you could be eligible for a personal Ian Dury claim...

Probably only people in the UK will get this. And of them only those of a certain age. I make no apologies...

CUT TO THE PAST

Ian is a barber and one day after servicing a haircut, a customer instead of money, gives him a crystal sphere and Ian, not wanting to argue and liking the sphere, accepts it.

He presses the Sphere and to his bewilderment, he's transported to ancient Egypt with all the scissor and blades.
...

What do you call a security guard who works at Samsung?

a Guardian of the Galaxy

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"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side is the most common answer, however this answer leaves a great deal of room for interpretation. As noted historian and sociologist Ian Ormwell stated, "A joke cannot be taken at face value; all jests are subjective in their appearance and impact." Contrasting this view, the p...

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This actually happened to me.

A few years ago I was working in a call center that promoted the use of "Pizzazz Greetings." Such examples ranged from "Thank you for calling XYZ! My name is Kandy with a K! What can I do to make your day as awesome as mine!?" To "Thank you for flying with XYZ, my name is Josh and I'll be your capt...

Im not sure who named the Gregorian calender ,probably some guy called Greg.

Or Ian.

The Memory Man...

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

"Who's he?" asked the Live...

The other day some guy came up to me, called me a Blockhead and then proceeded to hit me with his rhythm stick...

I though "That just adds insult to Ian Dury."

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Dave!

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
...

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Anna Freud, asks Sigmund Freud

Anna Freud, before she became a great analyst, is in Vienna, at home with her father. The two of them are discussing psychoanalysis, when Anna turns to Freud and says "There is one thing I have always been meaning to ask that I am not sure about: What is the phallus?" Freud says "Well, this is somet...

Whoever says that "all publicity is good publicity"

Has clearly never heard of Ian Watkins.

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