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Detectives Jokes

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”
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Three Idiot Detectives

Three idiots were training to become detectives. Their superior decided to test them by having them catch an escaped criminal.

He showed the first idiot a picture of the criminal and asked, “How would you catch this man?”

“That’s easy,” said the first idiot. “He’s only got one eye, so...
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What do detectives and alcoholics have in common?

They both like to crack cases
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Why do trees make bad detectives?

They always get stumped!
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Why do podiatrists make great detectives?

Because they can always sense when trouble is afoot.
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What sentence can be heard in an orgy of private detectives?

"It's all coming together"
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Where do Detectives park their vehicles?

Undercover.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 detectives are in an elevator

The first one asks the second detective what floor he has to go to. The second detective says to him “third floor” the first detective stares at him weirdly, then back at the buttons, noticing there were 8 buttons. He originally thought there were only 4. He turned to the second detective and says “...

Why do TV-detectives hate round buildings?

The solution is always right around the corner.
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I'm surprised how few artist branch out to become detectives.

Afterall, they're really good at drawing conclusions.
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I've often found that shoe salesmen make quite good detectives...

They always know when something is afoot.
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Will the detectives find the body?

Remains to be seen.
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Amputees make horrible detectives

The know they are missing something, but they just can’t put their finger on it.
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Hunchbacks would make great detectives

They can start off every investigation saying, "Hmm, I have a hunch".
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Why do detectives wear stripe shirts?

Because they dont want to be spotted.
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I'm in a band called Inadequate Detectives.

We're currently looking for a drummer, but we haven't found the right guy yet.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve designed a bathroom stall door that will open for everyone except British detectives.

It’s called a No Shit, Sure-Lock.

Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives?

They're called the Clue Clucks Clan
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Why do potatoes make good detectives?

They keep their eyes peeled...
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What do you call a fight between detectives?

Trench warfare
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Two detectives were trying to solve a murder

They found a dead body dumped in a ditch. Next to the body was a concrete block with blood on it. The detectives took the concrete block to run some tests on it.

Detective 1 said, “The blood matches the victim, and it seems like all fingerprints were wiped! This evidence is useless!”.
...
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Why do detectives look to a Will when searching for murder suspects?

Because a Will is a dead giveaway.
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My police department made all their homicide detectives enter a two-week quarantine.

>!They had coroner-virus.
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What do bed detectives solve?

Pillow cases
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Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick
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I hear they're building apartment buildings for detectives only

They're calling them Sherlock Homes.
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What do you call a group of White-Supremacist Detectives?

The Klue-Klux-Klan.
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Where do detectives go to have a drink?

The Search Bar.
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3 blondes walk into a police station...

And we're looking for jobs as detectives.

They meet with the police chief who says, "I'm going to show you a side mugshot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says, "He's only got one eye". The police chief...
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Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...
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The three blonde detective trainees

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stu...
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2 detectives were looking over Juan's murdered, lifeless body..

when one detective says " it looks like he was killed by a golf gun". The other detective said "what's a golf gun?" The other says " I dunno, but it sure made a hole in Juan."
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What do you call two detectives tracking down a ghost?

Pair-a-normal investigators.
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There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...
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