UPJOKE
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Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

The last joke I heard from my grandfather before he passed away. Paraphrased because it was so long ago. Still my favorite joke.

You know, I wasn't always the strong Christian man I am today. I was a little wild before I met your gram, but we all have club stories, right? Some better than others, but they're all an important part of our history. Anyway, one night I went out to a club. It was a weeknight, so it wasn't like it ...

The Ski Lodge

Three guys go to a ski lodge and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the gu...

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A very wealthy widow in NYC just bought a huge penthouse apartment...

It was gorgeous. Two whole floors of the building overlooking Central Park. The only issue was a big, blank, white wall. So, the widow decided to hire a muralist.

She found the perfect artist and told him what she wanted.

"I've always loved the rimanticized Old West. Westerward expansi...

Lucky Number 7

I had a vivid dream of the number 7, just a giant 7... and when I woke up, it was 7:00... so I get up and decide to go to the track, because I like to play the ponies.. and I get a cab, and the cab pulls up, and it’s number 7... so I get to the track and I ask what I owe, and it was $7.77... I go in...

My wife told me her dreams were in vivid, but weird colors.

I told her it was just a pigment of her imagination.

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

I have the most vivid memories from my infancy

They’re the breast.

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My Uncle Sal is gone 20 yrs today and he told me this joke when I was 5. I remember it vividly to this day (34yrs old), and still laugh thinking of him saying it in his quirky voice and animated gestures

Bear and Rabbit are walking in the woods together toward the stream.

Bear stops to squat and take a hot shit.

As Rabbit patiently waits close by, Bear finishes up and politely asks Rabbit:

"Hey Rabbit, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur??"

"Why no Bear, ...

So I guess there was this rancher who was growing a really weird breed of cattle.

They were a really vivid blue green color.  No one could believe it... They thought he was airbrushing them or painting them or using Instagram filters or photoshop.

Finally an fda inspector--Neal Beal was his name--wanted to go out to the ranch and see for himself whether these cows were re...

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

Two dwarf brothers are walking home with one girl each...

Two dwarf brothers are walking home with one girl each, to do you know what.
The first dwarf goes to a room and gets in bed with one of the girls, but things don't go their way and after a while they give up. But the first dwarf can clearly hear the second dwarf yelling: "I'm coming, I'm coming!...

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My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

Three men are hired to work on a ranch.

The first of the three was the youngest. He was told when he is craving a woman to use the barrel behind the barn.
He takes advantage the very first night and describes it to the others in vivid detail. The oldest of the group sat quietly and drank his beer.
The second night he goes bac...

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My grandfather was an amateur stand-up and used to run material by anyone who would listen.

From the time I was 4 until I was about 10 he would take me bowling with him about once a week with his fellow old-guys.

I have a vivid memory from when I was about 7-years-old of him telling ...

A horse walks into a bar.

A Horse walks into a bar.
The Bartender sees such a vivid depth
of despair and ennui in the Horse's eyes,
like the Horse has stared into the abyss
and found the infinite void of nothingness so deep
that the Horse could no longer believe
that he himself nor anyone nor anything else ...

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Lizard is walking through the forest...

and he comes up to a large tree along the path. He looks up in the tree and sees Koala sitting on a branch smoking a joint.

"Heyoo Koala, do you mind if I climb up and try some?" Lizard asks.

"Not at all Lizard, my dude, come on up!" Koala wheezed while exhaling a ripe puff.

Liz...

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Apparently, carrots are really good for memory.

10 years ago my uncle put one up his ass and I still still remember it vividly to this day.

I recently quit smoking meth

I've been having vivid dreams of using again. the upside is it's a free high with no real life consequences, the down side is, now I'm addicted to sleep.

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So this guy gets transferred to Norway through his job.

He’s pretty excited about it. He’s working his dream job, he’s young, he doesn’t have a wife or kids, he’s looking forward to the adventure. The town he gets transferred to is beautiful. It looks like a Christmas card! The people are so nice and welcoming. He loves this town. He’s there for almost a...

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The strange painting

John and Michelle are out on a date at an art gallery. They're walking around, looking at art, discussing the paintings, and generally having a good time. Eventually they come across a very strange painting that they can't seem to make heads or tails of. It's a large canvas called "Home for Lunch," ...

There is an old town...

And the town is built around its Catholic church. Both the church and the town have been around for a pretty long time. They've got a long history. There was an incident a long time ago that led to a citywide law against workers of the Catholic church opening flower shops. But it's a pretty obscure ...

Three guys go on a skiing trip.

The lodge they check into only has one room available, so they decide to all sleep in the same bed. They go skiing and have a lot of fun, and come back to the lodge and go to bed.
The next day the guy who slept on the right side of the bed said, “I had the most vivid dream that I was getting a ha...

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School tasks

Just before lunch break one day, the teacher asked all the students to go out an get inspiration for a report after break.

Afterwards little Sarah comes in and describes in very vivid detail a rose growing in mud, with water drops glistening in the sun. The teacher with a tear in her eyes ask...

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A woman is pregnant...

....And when her 5 year old son notices her belly is getting big he asks his mom what she has in her belly. The mother in a natural attempt to avoid explaining such a sexually vivid concept to her son replies to him, “It’s just air sweetie.” A few months later on the day of delivery the boy meets hi...

3 skiers

3 skiers arrive at the lodge to find there is only one room available. They reluctantly accept, and find that it has only one bed. Come time to sleep they agree to share the bed.

The next morning the 3 awake to which says, "last night I had the most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob." ...

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A Finnish WWII air force verteran was about to give a talk to an American high school.

He was stereotypically Nordic: pale skin, fair hair, and a heavy accent.


He introduced himself and began with a vivid description of his first dogfight in the Lapland War. "Literally the moment after we take off and got through the fog we saw them. Eight pesky Fokkers were spread out an...

The Mandela Effect walks into a bar

But I vividly remember him walking into a grocery store...

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