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I walked in on my boss vigorously masturbating

He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

I had a job interview today, so I started with some sweeping, after which I displayed my twirling, then a little peek-a-boo, and I finished with a most vigorous flapping

I don't think they were impressed with my cape abilities.

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You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation...

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

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A Bus Carrying Nuns to the Convent....

Goes over a cliff, killing all on board.

Being pious nuns, all are transported directly to the pearly gates where St. Peter, standing beside a font, is awaiting them.

He says to the nuns, "Our heavenly Father awaits you on the other side of the gates to welcome you to the eternal parad...

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking ...

Muhammad Ali has two boys.

Both of them head strong and talented like their father, vigorously passionate about their sport. But neither of them took a liking to boxing. They actually had an uncanny knack for driving, or rather, the opposite of driving. They could put a car into perfect position flawlessly every time, even in...

Acoustic guitar player was working a gig at an eatery

playing background music for the diners. As expected, he was ignored until surprisingly after one tune, he heard someone clapping vigorously. Of course, he looked around to acknowledge the person. That's when he spotted the guy pounding on the bottom of a bottle trying to get the ketchup out

Bean Disaster

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

Once upon a time, there was a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but unfortunately they had always had very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry he thought to hims...

A sodium atom undergoes a vigorous reaction with flourine...

How do you feel?" Asks the fluoride ion.

"Positively shell shocked" the sodium ion replied.

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A busload of catholic schoolgirls goes over a cliff. Everybody dies.

They're lined up at the pearly gates, and St. Peter is interviewing each girl in turn.

"Have you ever been impure with a boy, Caroline?"

"Yes, sir. I *looked at* a boy's privates once."

"Well, then. Go rinse your eyes in the Holy Fountain over there. Then come on in. Welcome to...

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A Girl was towelling her wet pussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until

the pussy cried "Meow" and ran away.

Moral Lessons

1. Be kind to Animals

2. Always keep your thoughts clean...

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Back in the Days Of the Empire, a missionary came to the aborigines.

He was picked up at the dock and driven to the church. After a short distance, he saw a native vigorously violating a kangaroo. He was stunned.

After another short distance, another man doing the same. He was shocked.

Another distance and there was a one-legged man, masturbating, le...

A lady walks into a bar...

A lady walks into a bar. A man is sitting at the bar and reaches into his bag to pay his tab and the woman notices it’s clearly overflowing with cash.

Intrigued, she asks the man where he had come across such a large sum. He holds up one finger, reaches once again into his bag, digs through ...

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A kid asks his father "Dad whats politics?"

"Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of you and your needs, so we'll call you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Futur...

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Guy gets called in for an interview...

... as he enters the manager's office, he doesn't say a word, nor does he sit down, and stares straight into the eyes of the manager. Then, without warning, and with one huge sweep of his arm, he knocks all the shit off the managers desk, papers, monitor, pen holder, etc. The manager, completely d...

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A husband and wife are copulating vigorously...

So this man and his wife are going at it with aplomb--making noise, screaming, and screwing each other's brains out. Their young son, hearing the commotion and fearing the worst, bursts into the room, sees his parents all naked and sweaty, and horrified, runs screaming down the hall. The husband tel...

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

American Indian female wrestling

A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique...

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An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

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A pompous student is taking a college course but never shows up to class. on the day of exams...

On the day of exams the student comes in and starts writing his essay with the rest as if he’s been there the whole time. The professor sees this and thinks how weird it is that the kid is taking the exam without going to the classes. Anyways the time is nearing the end and the professor announces t...

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A man standing at the urinal looks over and sees a Leprechaun

At the urinal next to his. The Leprechaun has a massively huge dick, the guy asks "Hey how did you get your dick so big?". The Leprechaun says, "I'm a Leprechaun, I can have whatever I want.". Pressing, the man says, "How could I make mine that large?". The Leprechaun replies, "If you let me put my ...

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[NSFW] Frank was happy in the old folks home with Charlotte always holding his member under the blanket on his wheelchair as they watched TV.

Then one day, Charlotte noticed that Frank wasn't around. When this happened, Charlotte went looking for Frank, fearing the worst had happened to him. After a bit of searching, Charlotte came across Frank, in his wheelchair, watching TV with another woman. Charlotte noticed the blanket vibrating vig...

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An attractive blonde walks into a gynaecologist’s clinic.

The doctor takes one look at her, and all his professionalism goes out the window. He quickly invites the blonde to undress and lay back on the examination table.

He starts by placing his hands on her ample tits and begins vigorously squeezing them. He then asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?”...

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A woman wanted to spice up her sex life

So she went down to the local sex store, and asked the the clerk "Do you have any dildos?".

"Why, of course" replied the guy behind the counter. She was shown around the store, and finally she was shown the magic dildo. "If you say, 'magic dildo' and the hole you want fucked, it will fuck it"...

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The Voodoo Dildo

A man is about to go abroad on a business trip, but he is worried about his wife cheating on her because she is has strong sexual cravings and has been known to be promiscuous in the past.

The man decides to go to an adult store to find her a sex toy to satiate her desires, and finds himself ...

Two blondes and a boat.

One day a blonde was driving her car down a rural road. She glanced off to the right and in an empty field she saw another blonde in a rowboat, vigorously trying to row herself through the field to no avail. The first blonde getting frustrated angrily pulled over and shouted:

" It's blondes ...

Traumatized son

A young boy, an only child no more than ten years old, wakes up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

As he is walking to the restroom, he opens his parents' bedroom door and sees them copulating quite vigorously. The boy screams in horror. The mom throws the dad off and attempts...

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Every year, Murray entered the state lottery hoping to win...

He never did.

One day, after praying vigorously and hoping for God's message, he headed out to the State Fair. A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Liz's carnival stall. She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties. He could see the number 7 written on each of her butt...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

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The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)

A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterp...

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Pop my Cherry

A man was driving down a remote road when his car broke down. There was no cell service so he walked to the nearest farm. He was approached by a farmer.

“How can I help you?” asked the farmer.

“Can I use a phone, my car broke down?”

“All the phones are down, I can drive you i...

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A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in.

The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour
why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says:"Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturba...

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Dion Weisler, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were in a crowded bathroom.

Dion left his urinal, proceeded to the sink, washed his hands, and aggressively brandished paper towel after paper towel to rid his hands of anything resembling moisture. Before leaving, he announced to the bathroom, "At Hewlett-Packard, our employers are trained to always be thorough and vigorous."...

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A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.

The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'

the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.

The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT OUT...

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An old man went to his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "W...

A horse walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the throat. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy h...

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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
...

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A man is depressed because he was born with half an index finger...

Everyone made fun of him in school and called him Half Finger. Depressed and tired of all the taunting, he decides to commit suicide. He finds the tallest building in his city.

As he’s about to jump, he looks down at the street and sees a man with no arms vigorously dancing. He says to himsel...

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Two firefighters are fucking

The chief walks in on two of his firefighters having vigorous sex.

He shouts: Hey what the hell are you two doing?

One of the firefighters: Chief, you don't understand, he suffered some serious smoke inhalation.

Chief: Thats not how you treat smoke inhalation. The first step ...

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An Older Couple Are Having Dinner At A Nice Restaurant

Coincidentally, it is their 30th anniversary, and is also the same restaurant where the man proposed to his wife. The man leans toward the his wife and quietly says to her, "Remember how we had sex in the alley behind this place when we got engaged?" "Yes." the woman replies. "Lets do it again." ...

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My Brother The Cripple.

My oldest brother was born with little use of his legs resulting in him using crutches. For his whole life we went through vigorous treatments and therapy. When he was about 14 we moved to a new town. The local kids made fun him daily calling him names and just being overall assholes. He was so fe...

A man ran out of his house with his dog in excitement....

"ATTENTION! ATTENTION EVERYONE! I HAVE AN AMAZING ANNOUNCEMENT!" He screamed to his neighbourhood.
Confused and intrigued, the entire neighbourhood came out of their house.
"What's going on?" One of them asked.
"After ten years of vigorous training, I've finally taught my dog how to speak E...

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A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead visit an old wishing well.

"What are you going to wish for?" the blonde asks the other two.

The brunette and the redhead ponder for a minute, rather ashamed that they didn't think of something beforehand. The redhead looks around for inspiration. When her gaze lingers on the well, she makes up her mind. She fishes a co...

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An 80 year old man goes into a brothel..

Picks out a young pretty woman, they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed. The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free. He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to ta...

The agent of a beautiful actress discovered that the actress had been selling her body for $100 a night.

The agent, who had fantasised about her for long, had never dreamt that she was so easily obtainable. He approached her and told her how much she turned him on and how he wanted to do her.

She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay the same $100 other customers...

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After suffering a stroke, a man was dragged into hospital by an ambulance

On the way to his ward, he passed a room where a man was vigorously jacking off; he asked the nurse "what's he doing?".



The nurse replied" he has a condition where he gets severe pain if he does not masturbate every 15 minutes"




"Oh, my bad."



Later ...

An engineer encounters a frog...

A Civil engineer, while doing field work, comes across a frog, who suddenly begins to speak to him.

"Sir" she says, "I know this must seem very strange, but I'm actually a woman, cursed to inhabit this frog form. But if you would help me, you could turn me back into a woman with a simple kis...

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Sign Language at a construction site

These guys were working at a construction site building a multi story building. A guy on the fifth floor realizes that he needs a hammer but doesn't have one. Going down 5 floor again is too much of a hassle. So, he wants a guy on the ground to bring it up to him. He yells, but because of distance a...

A friend came over to mine and my girlfriend's house.

As soon as we let him in, I could see by the shock in his eyes that he'd noticed my girlfriend's tremendous weight gain. He leant in and whispered to me, "What happened to her!? She must weigh about 7 tonnes!"

I just turned to him and shook my head vigorously in defiance.

I didn't wa...

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Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to k...

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NSFW. Bob is complaining about his sex life..

.. to his friend Joe.

"It's so boring, just one position, in-out repeat as necessary while Jane just stares at the ceiling."

Joe strokes his chin thoughtfully and says "you need to start being dynamic, spontaneous, dominant and innovative! As soon as she comes to bed just surprise her ...

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A gorilla that swung too far

A zoo was barely making ends meet. The head zookeeper was keeping things together, but it was a struggle. Instead of a pride of lions, they had one lone lion. Instead of a band of gorillas, just two. The rest of the zoo animals were just as sparse.

One day during a thunder and lightning storm...

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Life in a mental hospital

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to LA !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse ent...

Italian spy joke

A German spy, Italian spy, and Russian spy are all caught while on duty and are going to be interrogated. They are being held in a prison cell with no windows and barely any food. The German spy goes first. He is sat down in a chair with his hands tied. He resists being tortured for 2 hours, before ...

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A Brit, an American and an Italian are taken PoW

In the last year of the Second World War, the Nazis take a Brit, an American and an Italian as prisoner.
They torture them for information about allied plans. The Brit holds out for a few weeks, but eventually his stiff upper lip is beaten off of him, and he breaks; telling the Nazis everything...

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A boy walks in on his dad..

masturbating. His dad continues to vigorously masturbate while his son stands in shock.

The boy asks "Dad, what are you doing?"

His dad reponds "I'm masturbating, son. Pay attention to my form. It'll come in handy, cause you'll be doing it soon enough."

The boy asks "You th...

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Mr. Tilley is running a Christian book store in a strip mall. [Long]

And business is good. The community has been growing, both in economy and spirit, with community centers and parks, factories and research laboratories. A true mecca of modern civilization. Mr. Tilley knows everyone in town, and everyone knows him. When anyone sees him, they smile, wave, and say "Bl...

Have you heard about Terry the tractor lover?

He was the ultimate tractor enthusiast, his bedroom was plastered with tractor posters, his bed was adorned with a tractor bed spread, tractor toys littered the floor and tractor maintenance DVDs dominated his shelves.

Shortly after Terry's 18th birthday (where he of course had a tractor bir...

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The fire department gets a call about smoke coming from a barn... [NSFW]

The fire department gets a call about smoke coming from a barn. They break down the barn door, and find a young couple with a sleepy-looking Shetland pony. With one hand, the woman is holding a huge bong and blowing marijuana smoke in the pony's face. With her other hand, she is vigorously stroking...

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Tellum Time..

A US Calvary soldier was in route to deliver a message to his commanding officer when he caught sight of an Indian laying naked on the side of the trail flat on his back and with, quite noticeably, a hard on. He slowed his horse to a halt and called out to the man.

"You there! What in God's ...

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A crusty old sergeant major walks into a brothel in Korea...

He walks up to the receptionist and says, "I'm a sergeant major, I've seen combat in every major conflict for the last 35 years, and I want the best goddamn hooker you've got in this place!"

The receptionist nods and leads him to one of the back rooms. Waiting there is a stunningly beautiful ...

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Why is a genie's lamp like a penis?

The contents only come out when vigorously rubbed.

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A father is driving his daughter to school one morning

A father is driving his 7-year-old daughter to school one morning when they pass two dogs vigorously screwing on the side of the road.

Father, a little flustered, explains - "Isn't that nice. The one in back must have injured it's paws, so the one in front is giving him a ride home."

D...

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A chaste wife went to a pet store...

... to buy her husband a pet for their anniversary. All of the pedigree animals were too expensive and she began to pout, visibly. One of the store's tellers asked what was wrong and she explained her circumstances.

“Well... we have a specially trained frog for $24.99”, he said.

She ex...

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Two lines for this poor wife...

A wife was sure that her husband was
having an affair with their
housegirl, so she laid a trap for
him. one evening she suddenly sent
the maid to her home 4 weekend
without infoming her husband. She
latter went on and slept on the
maid's bed and switched off the
lights. Sudde...

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Sad Times

Just arrived home after seeing a good friend and fellow campervanner take his last, I was to honoured to have been there at the end. This was a man who had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland. A man who had walked away from a high speed motor...

A Frenchman, an Britton and an American are walking in the jungle when...

they meet a cannibal tribe. They are captured and the tribe leader says: "Finally, some fresh meat. And we can make some extra canoes with your skins. But we are not that cruel. We let you choose the way you die." The Frenchman may choose first and chooses to be beheaded by guillotine, he hoped the...

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A time traveler meets with an ancient Jewish Bibical author.

After a brief introduction, having convinced the scribe of his identity, the time-traveler launches into an excited speech:

"Rabbi, do you know that in the future, your writings will spawn off other religions that in turn would make most of the world's population adherents of the Abrahamic fa...

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An inspector is taking a tour of a hospital when. NSFW

She walks past a room with a man vigorously masturbating. The lady asks the doctor giving the tour what the hell is going on in there. The doctor explains to the woman that the man has a condition where his semen reproduce rapidly, and that if he does not do this every couple of hours his testicles ...

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Walking the dog

A man is walking his dog, a Rottweiler, through the forest on a hot summer’s day when he comes to a clearing. In the clearing there’s a natural pond so he sits by the water, just enjoying the view and the peace, his dog lying by his side. He hears a noise and turns round to see another dog, a Golden...

Monkey business

There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an 18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.

"Great lookin' monkey, mate," said t...

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Terrible accident

A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad accident.

A man and a woman both dead from a car crash. The accident seems to have no explanation but he looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms at him as if to say something.

The cop says, "hey monkey ... you know wh...

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An elderly couple celebrate their 50th anniversary.

A man in a restaurant overhears an elderly couple next to him celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Dear do you remember 50 years ago when I proposed to you right here in this same spot?" the old man asks caressing his wife's hand.

"Yes honey I do remember." she replies smiling...

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Don't ask...

So one fine day, a young boy is listening to the radio. He has very bad reception so the radio is sort of static, nevertheless, he catches something about a purple donut. His curiosity sparked, he meanders over to his mother and said, "Momma, what's a purple donut?" She then gets this wild look in h...

Downhill Skiing

3 rock climbers (Bob, Tim, Jack) were attempting to climb Everest. In a freak accident, Bob and Tim lost all of their supplies. Unable to progress any further, they decide to make camp and share jack's supplies. The three of them slept side to side, with bob and Tim on either side of jack. In the mo...

Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo

Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo. They roam the jungle, singing vodka songs and hunting their own food for weeks, when suddenly a huge lion jumps on one of them out of nowhere, crushing the elderly Russian to the ground, vigorously biting off most of his vital organs...

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Readydick

A single woman was getting less and less pleasure from her usual vibrator, so she decides to go shopping for a new one. When she enters the sex shop, she tells the cashier of her woes, to which the cashier says he has just the thing. He comes back with what looks like a standard dildo. He says, "Thi...

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Brewster the Rooster

Saw a post today about a kid with a rooster named Brooster and remembered this old joke.

A farmer decides he needs a new rooster so he can expand his chicken coop, so he buys the most virile one he can find and names him Brewster. Within a day, Brewster has impregnated every hen the farmer ow...

The Power of Prayer

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the historic Wailing Wall.

Everyday when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall and introduces herself...

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Speaking of Mental Hospitals (nsfw)

A nurse at a mental hospital normally doesn't interact with the patients but one night decided to get to know them.

She walks into Bob's hospital room and he's sitting in a chair, pretending to drive, putting his hands on an imaginary steering wheel and stick shift.

"Bob, what are you ...

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Ted and James are walking along the river and sees a pregnant woman drowning......... a bit NSFW

Ted and James are walking along the river and sees a pregnant woman drowning.........

They both jump in and promptly proceed to drag her to shore. Ted immediately start to to perform CPR. James proceeds to pull down her panties and vigorously dives in between her legs.

"What the fuck a...

The Wrong Condom

A newly married couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding.

The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby.

When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with a...

So an elf walks into an animal shelter...

...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.

On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk...

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