UPJOKE
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I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said "I inherited a watering hole." Bewildered I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

My sister and I inherited our chronic bowel issues from our mother

Runs in the family

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<...

I inherited my uncle's deer breeding business worth 50 million bucks

That's a lot of doe

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

All the comic books I inherited from my older brother had their last pages missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

Why is diarrhoea, an inherited disease?

Because it runs in your jeans!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

I inherited hypertension from my granny.

She taught me to take everything with a grain of salt.

I just inherited a dairy farm

I dont like it but I'm going to milk it for all its worth!!!

I recently inherited an antique set of loaded dice from my grandfather. They used to belong to Al Capone himself.

In other words, we've been spending most our lives living with a gangster's pair of dice.

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My friend inherited a parrot when his brother went abroad.

So, My friend inherited a parrot when his brother had to go abroad. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. My friend tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer...

I've never really inherited anything...

But my best friend did give me an EpiPen before he died.

Seemed really keen for me to have it for some reason.

When a landless Czar inherited a kingdom it was found to contain serfs.

He was peasantly surprised.

Dad, I inherited my intelligence from you right?

Dad: That’s right, my smart little girl!

Daughter: That would make sense since mom still has hers.

A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He had three sons.

He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know, what each of them would like to have. He stressed that MONEY was no object.

His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. The father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in differe...

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

After Captain America died, The Incredible Hulk inherited the mantle.

He renamed himself 'The Star-Spangled Banner'.

Good news! I've just inherited an estate from my great grandfather!

Bad news, it's a 1975 Volvo...

A blonde and a brunette inherit their family ranch...

A pair of sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherited their family ranch when their parents passed away.

The ranch was in dire straits. To save it, the brunette sister decided to take a risk: she would put all the money in their savings towards buying a bull to repopulate the ranch.
...

Two sisters inherit a ranch...

Two sisters, a blonde and brunette just inherited a ranch. They thought that the ranch looked a little empty so they wanted to buy a bull, and together they had $500 to spend. The brunette found an ad in the paper that had a healthy bull for sale for $499, and together they decide to buy him. The br...

I inherited my great grandad’s underwear...

They were fruit of the heirloom

Movember just reminds me that i inherited the inability to grow proper facial hair from my father...

why couldn't i be more like my mom?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I inherited one of the paintings done by Adolf Hitler today.

I don't want to hang it in my house though. I'm afraid it's bad Jew Jew.

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what a conundrum

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby...

Carlos was the proud owner of a Mexican Bed & Breakfast in Cancun...

It was founded by his Great-grandfather in the 1800s. He had come to Mexico from Spain and bought the run-down place with a loan from from a businessman back home. Through hard work and sheer determination, he had built the place up to a relatively successful B&B.

After his death, he lef...

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:

First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.

Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.

With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2
dollars each.

Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Trump wins in 2020 and has a terrible term as President - don't blame him.

It's likely because he inherited a shit show dumpster fire from the previous 2016 presidency.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A rich man suffer from extreme arachnophobia, and is searching for a cure.

He calls the best scientist, psychiatrists and even folk healers, but no one of them is able to solve his problem.


Depressed, the man goes into a bar to drown his sorrows, and tell the bartender of his issue. The man begin to tell a tale he inherited from his grandpa: "Deep into the wo...

A Lumberjack is out cutting wood with his son

A Lumberjack is out working and has brought his son along to show him what he does, as he hopes the son will inherit the business one day. The following conversation occurs.

Son: Why do you do what you do, Dad?

Lumberjack: Well son, this is our family business! I inherited it from your...

Me: Hello is that the Samaritans?

Her: Yes, how can I help you today?

Me: I have just won the lottery, I am dating a 19 year old model and I have just inherited a brewery...

Her: So what seems to be the problem?

Me: No problem, I just thought you might wanna hear some good news for a change

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.

We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had b...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

An elderly man walks into a bar

The Bartender asks the man to tell him the story about how he became so rich, the man agrees and goes ''I had one orange and I sold it for 5 cents. With those 5 cents I bought another orange and sold him for 6 cents. I repeated that several times before my uncle died and I inherited 10 million''

What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas Eve!! :D


Sorry everyone. I no longer use FB so you have now inherited my yearly Christmas post.


Happy Holidays everyone :)

A man hears a knock at his door, and is surprised to see

a polar bear standing before him.

"Hi," says the white bear, "I'm the bear of good news. A distant relative of yours passed away a while ago, but it turns out he entrusted a large fortune to you in his will."

"Great," says the man. "Thanks for the good news."

Later, the man hear...

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